Tuesday, November 16, 2010

A Tug of War of Emotions

I finally managed to get a good nights sleep on Monday night!  It had been weeks since I had been able to sleep at least 8 hours or more.  It felt wonderful.  I awoke on Tuesday morning feeling like a new person.  Much of the ongoing anxiety was gone from my system.

Despite getting a full night’s rest and feeling somewhat better my mind is still occupied by much discord.  The discord is simple.  I continue to feel strongly in love with Shelly.  Yet I have done enough damage to our relationship that it is not easy to repair.  In all likelihood I will never be able to get Shelly back.  I do have confirmation that she loves me – that I know.  However, it doesn’t mean that we will ever be back together.  So for now I have to accept the beautiful fact that she loves me and move on.

So what does this all mean for me.  I think it means the following:  I must do things that make me be the best person I can.  I need to grow as an individual.  I need to deal with all the grief that I still harbor from Patty’s death (and also the loss of Shelly).  I need to mentally grow and change.  I need to be the best parent I absolutely can be.  

So for now I am going to give up the pursuit of Shelly.  I am going to go about living a separate life and doing the things I need to do.  I will not be dating other women.  I am in love with Shelly and that precludes me from even thinking of dating someone else.  I will focus on me, my family and growing a circle of friends.

I won’t write much about Shelly in this blog going forward.  I will still add a personal statement to each blog post, but I will not make her the focus of what I write.

With that said, there isn’t much more to write on Tuesday.  It was busy day of work as I am trying to wrap up things with my current client.  Zack is actually doing wonderful these days. 

Lex is proving to be a pain in the butt as for whatever reason he just wants to be outside.  I don’t have a problem with that except when he starts to bark.  Most of the time he is quiet but at other times he barks and barks.  It is a pain in the butt when that occurs.

Thanks and peace to all! ~J.


1 comment:

NanaRose said...

Don't be too hard on yourself. Concentrate on being an awesom Dad which it sounds like ou are. Moving on sometimes takes care of hurts and helps them to heal. Best wishes.