A Tug of War of Emotions

I finally managed to get a good nights sleep on Monday night!  It had been weeks since I had been able to sleep at least 8 hours or more.  It felt wonderful.  I awoke on Tuesday morning feeling like a new person.  Much of the ongoing anxiety was gone from my system.

Despite getting a full night’s rest and feeling somewhat better my mind is still occupied by much discord.  The discord is simple.  I continue to feel strongly in love with Shelly.  Yet I have done enough damage to our relationship that it is not easy to repair.  In all likelihood I will never be able to get Shelly back.  I do have confirmation that she loves me – that I know.  However, it doesn’t mean that we will ever be back together.  So for now I have to accept the beautiful fact that she loves me and move on.

So what does this all mean for me.  I think it means the following:  I must do things that make me be the best person I can.  I need to grow as an individual.  I need to deal with all the grief that I still harbor from Patty’s death (and also the loss of Shelly).  I need to mentally grow and change.  I need to be the best parent I absolutely can be.  

So for now I am going to give up the pursuit of Shelly.  I am going to go about living a separate life and doing the things I need to do.  I will not be dating other women.  I am in love with Shelly and that precludes me from even thinking of dating someone else.  I will focus on me, my family and growing a circle of friends.

I won’t write much about Shelly in this blog going forward.  I will still add a personal statement to each blog post, but I will not make her the focus of what I write.

With that said, there isn’t much more to write on Tuesday.  It was busy day of work as I am trying to wrap up things with my current client.  Zack is actually doing wonderful these days. 

Lex is proving to be a pain in the butt as for whatever reason he just wants to be outside.  I don’t have a problem with that except when he starts to bark.  Most of the time he is quiet but at other times he barks and barks.  It is a pain in the butt when that occurs.

Thanks and peace to all! ~J.

FYSRD