I finally managed to get a good nights sleep on Monday night! It had been weeks since I had been able to sleep at least 8 hours or more. It felt wonderful. I awoke on Tuesday morning feeling like a new person. Much of the ongoing anxiety was gone from my system.
Despite getting a full night’s rest and feeling somewhat better my mind is still occupied by much discord. The discord is simple. I continue to feel strongly in love with Shelly. Yet I have done enough damage to our relationship that it is not easy to repair. In all likelihood I will never be able to get Shelly back. I do have confirmation that she loves me – that I know. However, it doesn’t mean that we will ever be back together. So for now I have to accept the beautiful fact that she loves me and move on.
So what does this all mean for me. I think it means the following: I must do things that make me be the best person I can. I need to grow as an individual. I need to deal with all the grief that I still harbor from Patty’s death (and also the loss of Shelly). I need to mentally grow and change. I need to be the best parent I absolutely can be.
So for now I am going to give up the pursuit of Shelly. I am going to go about living a separate life and doing the things I need to do. I will not be dating other women. I am in love with Shelly and that precludes me from even thinking of dating someone else. I will focus on me, my family and growing a circle of friends.
I won’t write much about Shelly in this blog going forward. I will still add a personal statement to each blog post, but I will not make her the focus of what I write.
With that said, there isn’t much more to write on Tuesday. It was busy day of work as I am trying to wrap up things with my current client. Zack is actually doing wonderful these days.
Lex is proving to be a pain in the butt as for whatever reason he just wants to be outside. I don’t have a problem with that except when he starts to bark. Most of the time he is quiet but at other times he barks and barks. It is a pain in the butt when that occurs.
Thanks and peace to all! ~J.