Saturday, November 20, 2010

Range of Motion

Today I watched part of a movie called Range of Motion.  I just happened upon it this afternoon.  Zack and I had taken Nancy to Target to do some shopping and when we came home I did my normal routine of putting away groceries, etc, and then I plopped down on the couch and turned on the TV.  I started with my normal channels and then I flipped to Channel 9 – the local NBC affiliate in Denver.  I was expecting a college football game but instead I found this movie.

The movie was about a woman who was dealing with a husband who was in a comatose condition.  Initially I wasn’t too into the movie but then like a moth to a flame I was drawn in closer and closer to the intent and purpose of this movie. 

As I watched the movie I realized how much it paralleled my life and what had happened with Patty.  There were two major differences – first was that the woman’s husband was comatose as opposed to the situation we had with Patty and second in the end he woke up and survived.  (In some ways the situation with Patty was worse as she was mentally awake, but she really wasn’t there as her mental condition after the first 4 months in hospital got to the point of her being a child.)

I can’t describe the feelings I had as I watched this movie!  I am sick inside continually about how life transpired for us and this movie just showed it happening to some one else – with slightly different results.  I know – that sounds entirely like a victim mentality, but it sucks!  I know it has been 2.5 years since we lost Patty but everyday there is some reminder of the loss.  The whole situation with Shelly has just re-ignited everything that I felt back then.  Actually I think the situation with Shelly has made the loss feel 10x times worse.  Back when we lost Patty we had support.  People were interested in helping, now – rightly so, everyone else has moved on.  So I am stuck here in this horrible place suffering the loss of a wife and the loss of a person who was so, so important to me – Shelly.  I really can't describe the intense feelings of loss, pain, isolation and anxiety that I feel each day.  Agh…  I wish I could flush all of these feelings out of my head forever!

That is enough on that subject!  Today was the first day of the LLS’s team in Team-in-Training for their “spring session”.  The weather conditions for this first run were not exactly optimal at the beginning.  The temperature was hovering around 25 degrees and there was a moderate fog in the air that made ever breath cut like a knife as it flowed down your lungs.

Today’s run was a 5K along the highline canal starting at Mineral Avenue and then heading north past Windmere street and eventually turning around and coming back the same way we had started.  I really didn’t know if I would be able to make the entire run without stopping – but I did it!  That was the first time in several years I had run this distance but I was determined to do it without stopping.  Today’s wasn’t about doing things in a specific time it was about just going the distance and finishing the run.

I am very much looking forward to this whole experience.  I know it will steel me and I know in the end run I am going to come out of it a better person.  Besides raising funds for LLS that is my deepest desire – to use the experience to make myself a better person.

Peace! ~J.

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