An Anniversary of Sorts

I have realized that my old way of doing blog posts probably just isn't going to work anymore. In the past I would spend considerable amounts of time writing each blog entry. I just don't have that kind of time anymore. I am so busy with all the various things going on in life that rarely do I have the time to sit down on an evening and write a lengthy blog entry.

Therefore my blog writing needs to change. What I am going to try and do is write more frequent, shorter entries whenever I have a few moments. This entry is being written during the last 10 minutes of what should be my lunch hour. I say should be my lunch hour as I have been on a conference call the entire time and shoveled down a bowl of soup between snippets of conversation.

Look for more frequent blog updates but much shorter ones.

With all that said, today is an anniversary of sorts. Today is the 8th anniversary of my father's death on February 9, 2002. It is hard to believe it has been that long! My Dad lived to be 86 so he had a good long life. But it was kind of cut short by a medical mishap. He had to have an endoscopy to deal with some issues in his stomach. Unfortunately at the end of the procedure the surgeon punctured his stomach - which of course led to him dying a couple of weeks later.

It's one of those days that I will always remember. (But then again I did forget about the 10th anniversary of my Mom's death back in August! I might have forgetten because I was distracted by the events that were taking place at the time, as Zack was in the middle of his emotional/mental meltdown.)

Hope everyone is having a great day!

Thanks and peace to all! ~ J.

The End of the Dream

This post is not about anything personal. It is not an end of a dream for me. I am talking about something much larger. I am talking about the American Dream. It may be that the continuous dirge of bad news I keep hearing about the economy and the state of the nation that made me want to write this blog. But after reading an article on the USA Today website it really struck me hard that we have reached our apex as a nation.

The article I read on the USA Today website was how some counties to save money are starting to convert paved roads to gravel roads. All the locations cited in the article were in rural areas, but think of it, we are leaving a sign of progress behind because of the cost. Have our muncipal and state governments ever done this before? I don't know, but my guess is since the time of The Great Depresssion, we haven't seen governments cutting back the way they are now. Abandoning paved roads for gravel... it is a remarkable change and a remarkable step backwards. (Personally I kind of cheer it because it might be better for the environment, but I realize what it means in terms of a step back from prosperity.)

On top of reading articles like that, there are numerous articles out there stating that the Federal Government may be heading towards default on it's loans. Moody's is actually considering cutting the rating of US Government debt. For the last 80 years the word of the US Government to pay back it's debt has been without doubt. Now for the first time in history there is serious doubt whether US Government backed securities will be paid back.

I am not trying to make a political statement by this post. I think there is a lot of blame to go around between people on both the right and the left. My point in writing this is just to point out the dream is gone. The American dream of your kids being more prosperous and well-off then you is just that - a dream and it is gone. Soon the debts will catch up with us and we will have to cut the tools of our empire - the military, foreign aid, economic programs, etc. With 2011 we will lose our manned space program and with the recent government budget announced we will not get the capability back until some private company starts sending people in to space. Yes - the trappings of empire are fading and the glory of our country will slow dull and blur. Just like we think of past world spanning empires - Rome, Byzantine, Spain, Great Britain and many others, the US of A will be consigned to the dust bin of empire. So... any one taking Chinese lessons yet?

Now that I have that off my chest, a quick personal update. I am working like a fiend on my project in Boulder. Work is crazy, crazy, crazy, but it has to be done. Nancy is out of the hospital and is doing so-so. She continues to experience some dizziness but she is hanging in there. Zack is Zack! He continues to be a complete unique one and only little man who tries his Dad's patience. All other aspects of life are going well and keeping us happy! :-)

As always thanks for reading my ramblings!

Thanks and peace to all! ~J.

A Resurgent Zack!

This evening Zack and I had one of the most amazing conversations that we have ever had! It started on our way home from the hospital and our visit with Nancy. During our short visit in the hospital, I had given Zack a pretty hard time as he was totally self absorbed and just wanted to play his video game. I scolded him because his grandmother was laying there in the hospital bed wanting to talk to him and he essentially ignored her. I told him that he was being selfish and he needed to get outside of himself. Though this was harsh criticism, I think this caused him to start to think outside of himself.

After we left the hospital we had a number of errands to run and since it was late I decided we were going to eat out. Shortly after we got in the car, Zack surprised me by saying something that I am sure has been in his head for years but he has never verbalized. He said... "Dad, when Mom was sick, I sometimes imagined the worst case scenario happening. (i.e. Patty dying) I am worried that my thoughts caused Mom to have bad mojo". Wow! Something like that had never come out of his mouth before. He had always sought to drive away his thoughts of Patty's sickness and death. This was the first time he had acknowledged his processing of these thoughts.

I figured it was time to really try and crack open the thoughts in Zack's head and really get this subject out in the open once and for all. I proceeded to tell Zack of many of the thoughts that had passed through my head during Patty's illness and subsequent death. I told him of my anger. I told him of my sorrow. I told him of the blame I had placed on Patty for not trying hard enough. I told him as much of what I could remember.

This became a great opening to talk to him about what else he had felt. Had he been angry at Patty? Had he been full of sorrow? While we ran our errands and then went to dinner at Claim Jumper, we talked. A lot of it was me talking and then asking him questions. But he answered for once and didn't melt down into his own anxiety and fear. In the end as we sat in our booth at Claim Jumper, the tears fell from both of our eyes.

(Yes - you can tell Zack is being raised by me! He's two fisting his meal! Drink in one hand and slab of pizza in the other!)

Right before our food came I suggested we head to the restroom to wash our hands. Zack because he has been suffering from a really bad cold for the last several days went into the restroom and blew his nose over and over again.

When we got back to the table Zack said to me. "Wow Dad we sure got a lot out of me". He then burst into laughter as he had was referring to two things at once. He had gotten a lot of snot out of his nose in the bathroom and he had gotten a lot of emotion out on the table about Patty's death. After we both finished laughing about what he had meant, he said in a very serious voice "I really feel better Dad". I was totally overwhelmed by this as it was really the first time Zack has been able to verbalize so much about Patty's death. I can only hope this is the beginning of him finally coming to grips with what has happened and forever leaving his fear and anxiety behind him.

As I lay here in my bed tonight typing this, I am so very proud of my son!

For those of you who want to know how Nancy is doing, here's a quick update. She should be getting out of the hospital tomorrow. She was going to come home tonight, but then she started experiencing a severe headache. Given she has just been placed on a blood thinning medication, her doctor wanted to have an MRI of her brain performed to ensure that she wasn't experiencing any bleeding in her head. Given that I didn't hear anything from either Nancy or the hospital, I would assume the test came up negative. I will assume she will be getting out of the hospital tomorrow - which will make for an interesting day as I need to be in Boulder for work for the entire day.

Thanks and peace to all! ~J.