Throughout the entire time I have been blogging I have used my blog as a basically a private diary that I have put in the public eye. I haven't put everything out there, but I feel that I have put a lot of my life out there in this blog. I have a question I would like to ask my readers - Do I put too much stuff out there? So either post a comment or send me an e-mail at firstname.lastname@example.org with what you think - as I would love to here it.
I know I have put a tremendous amount of stuff out there about my relationship with Shelly and my love for her. In some ways I have used the blog to communicate this information to Shelly as it has been one of my only ways of communicating with her. I know for a while she used to read the blog, I am not sure that she even does that anymore.
My life must seem extremely messed up to most people who read my blog. I guess in some ways it is. I do keep life for Zack very ordinary and even keeled. He unfortunately did have to see a lot of the conflict between Shelly and me at the end. There probably wasn't any way to avoid that, but had I been a better parent I probably could have prevented that.
One of the things that frustrates me the most with blog is that I tend to put things out there about myself in the most negative light as I have been seeking forgiveness from Shelly - and lots of people have judged me based upon this. I know I have said in many of my posts "Judge as you will". But it is frustrating to have people judge you when they only know one side of the story. (And by that I don't mean my side of the story versus Shelly's side of the story. Instead I mean I have never portrayed some of the good things I have done - always the negative.) I purposely haven't been to forth coming in which I have done good things. As a result of the judgment I will say I feel very isolated and depressed. The depression of course goes far beyond the judgment. Much of it comes from the way the situation went down with Shelly. But I do feel I have gotten a short side of a stick.
(I have read and re-read the section above and it didn't come out the way I wanted. I was just saying I feel down trodden and I feel that some of my friends and people in my life have judged me in ways that are necessarily true. Let me be clear - I am not placing any responsibility on Shelly. I am taking the responsibility on myself. I just feel sad that people who I know and love can judge so harshly.)
Argh.... I will definitely write more about this entire subject later as there is just so much to say. There is so much hurt bundled up in me. I hate feeling this way. I hate feeling that people hate me and think so little of me. I have tried to be honest with what I have posted on this blog. I am just very frustrated and depressed right now.
Peace to all! ~J.