It’s Wednesday and that makes it half way to the weekend already – yippee!! I will be so glad to get these next several weeks of work and 2010 behind me and look forward to the promise of 2011.
The day has been of moderate busyness and intensity. Work has been very intense of recent as we are trying to get a significant area of work completed by November 30, 2010 when I leave this project. The personal life today was all about having stuff done to my house. Today was the “every-other” Wednesday so we had our cleaning ladies come today. Not too big of a deal but I usually spend some time “de-cluttering” before they come. However, with all the cleaning I have done of recent there is a lot less to de-clutter these days. Additionally, I had 2 gentlemen here working on my privacy fence as it is in desperate need of repair. I am very glad to have that work done as I believe it will cut down on the amount of time Lex spends barking at the dog next door!
Though yesterday I indicated I was going to spend less time talking about Shelly and I certainly will as time goes forward, I had a specific thought on my mind today. The thought was all centered around something very special and specific to tell her. She would be the ONLY person in this entire world who appreciate it because it was something that only the 2 of us had shared.
With the end of our relationship things have gone from 60 mph to 0 in a period of one day essentially. In most cases when a couple divorces – as that is the way I have thought of this, this is usually a period in which things wind down. That was not the case with us. Everything ground to a halt in 24 hours. I really do not understand. I do not understand how Shelly can survive this kind of immediate withdrawal. I know for me, it has been unbearable. I can only imagine who unbearable it has been for her. Not only has she lost my companionship, but she has lost the companionship of her “step-son” and all the members of our household. Now the same could be said of me, and I do certainly miss Shelly’s family greatly. However, Shelly lived her in this house with us as opposed to vice-versa.
I just don’t know… The further in the past the event of our breakup seems to be, the more in pain I seem to be. I don’t know if Shelly is recovering more quickly than I am, but at this rate things are getting much worse for me. I can’t even imagine what it will be like in another month. I know much of what today’s post has been about sounds so very self-centered and I am sure it is. But I just can’t begin to get this situation figured out and get my life healed. And in fact it seems like the hurt is growing exponential each day.
I think I have figured out the pain now that I have written the rest of this post. The pain isn’t so much for being alone. The pain is caused by the fact that I have realized I have found the absolute perfect person for me and we can’t be together now. That is the source of the pain and that is why it is growing. As I become more and become convinced that Shelly is the person for me, the pain grows greater and greater. Oh well – I have to lie in the bed that I made for myself.
Once again – if you read this (which I don’t think you do any more) I am so sorry!
Thanks and peace to all! ~J.