Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Atonement rather than Redemption

During the last 1.5 months I have written a heck of a lot of stuff on here about my relationship and the damage I have done.  I know throughout this period that I have been tremendously depressed but for the first time I think I have really started to “get it”.

I can sit here and whine about how I hurt – blah, blah, blah.  I have touched a little upon the harm that I have caused Shelly but I really didn’t get it.  I was so fundamentally stupid it is amazing.  Throughout all this I was still thinking of me.  I was thinking of how I hurt and how Shelly was probably out re-connecting with all kinds of friends – going to dinner, having fun, seeing movies.  What a stupid ass I am.

I didn’t understand the impact on HER.  I ruined her life as she knows it.  Whereas I am still in my same house with my kid, Nancy and Lex she has had nothing other than upheaval and discord.  God – I tried everything to explain how sorry I was but I still missed the fundamental impact to her.

Could you imagine giving up the place that you have called home – that was somewhat familiar and comfortable to you and having to move into an apartment on short notice.  Could you imagine having your heart ripped out and having to go through all the upheaval at the same time while still having to work.  Since Shelly is her own boss there are no days off, she can’t afford to take a mental health day and crawl under the covers and do nothing.  Her company is always on her back.  On top of that she was/is dealing with so many other things!

How stupid could I have been not to see all this.  Yes – I apologized and apologized but I fundamentally didn’t grasp the cost and price that Shelly paid for my stupidity.  Shelly lost so much out of everything that transpired.  She lost everything in the here and now and she also lost so much of the future.  I was her best friend and stomped on her heart.  It was so absolutely heartless and cruel of me.

I so wish I could have been a better person and not caused her all this chaos and ruin that I have brought about.

I will write more of this later because I think it is important.  I think it is important for me to constantly think about it so I am slay the selfishness and narcissism that have inhabited my soul.

Redemption isn’t possible so I can only do what I can to atone for my actions.


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