Sunday, October 17, 2010

What Defines a Person

I originally wrote this last night, but I have gone back and edited it and reposted it under another title.

What defines you as a person?  Have you ever thought about that?  I had a catharsis concerning what defines me today during a discussion with Zack.

Let me give some background.  The background is only a day old.  On Friday in this blog I mentioned that Zack had a difficult day on Friday.  He had a bad day at school that ended up with him getting suspended for a day. Yeah – I know, great achievement for me as a parent to have my child suspended for day before the first trimester of sixth grade ends.

What happened is that Zack was running into the cafeteria after being outside at lunch.  Someone told him to slow down.  For whatever reason he thought he had to act out in a very silly manner.  He turned around and went plllllll…  (raspberry sound effect) to the girl who had said it.  Now here is where the story that Zack tells diverges from the story that the dean of West Middle School tells.  Zack says he was at least a foot away from the girl, the dean say that Zack practically had his face against her chest.  Trying to put some objectivity to the story, I’ll say it was somewhere in between which still puts Zack squarely in this girl’s personal space.

Needless to say I am not happy about this situation.  However instead of screaming and shouting at Zack I have taken a different approach.  I haven’t screamed, I haven’t yell – I have just taken away every single privilege he holds dear – no TV, no video games, no reading books, no anything – just being in his room cleaning and studying.  I am trying to use this incident as a learning experience for him.  

So during a conversation we were having about the situation today – I told him very simply – “Zack you cannot let the tragedy you have experienced in your life (i.e. the loss of his mom) define who you are.  You must break free from this and define your life for yourself”.

I don’t know if that got through to him, but it sure as hell got through to me.  After the words came out of my mouth I sat there in silence and thought of the same thing for me.  How long have I let what occurred between February of 2006 and July of 2008 define who I am?  I am still letting it define who I am!  I can’t let that happen anymore.  I need to fully move on and adopt a new viewpoint on life.  Have I been stupid in my thinking?  Have I failed to acknowledge the powerful impact that Patty’s illness and death had upon me?  Yes – I think I have failed to acknowledge that.  Yes – I think I have up to this point failed to move on.  I think I have grieved her death, but I have failed to stop thinking of myself as a victim in this situation.  I am not a victim for gods sake.  I need to shut up and get my stuff together.  I have had enough of being an idiot.  I screwed things up significantly with someone I love and care about because I was looking at myself as a victim.  What a mess I have made of things.

Time to face the music Jerry and get your butt in gear!!  I’ll make this as public as I can…  I am not perfect by any stretch of the imagination – but Shelly read these blog posts and know that I love you and want to be with you.

As equally important as Shelly - those who love her, please read my words and please try and understand I truly love Shelly and want to be part of her life.  I can't convince you to like me but give me the chance to make up to Shelly the harm that I have done.  Give me a chance to convince you of the sincerity of my feelings for Shelly.  Please don't let the pain of the past overwhelm the possibility of a future for us.  I know you can't possible understand all that has gone on between us.  Nor can you see the words that we have exchanged in the last 3 weeks, but please seek to understand me as a person who loves Shelly - not as some horrible person who set out to cause harm to her.  I never meant to make Shelly feel bad. 

Thanks and peace to all! ~J.

1 comment:

Mjs said...

Jerry: I know how hard this latest blog posting had to be for you to do. But, I know that you have tried earnestly to turn things in the right direction re your life with Zack and hopefully, your life with Shelly. Sorry for the pain you are going through and pray that you will find peace in the days too come.