Tuesday, October 19, 2010

A Candle at Mother Cabrini Shine

Before I write today’s blog I want to make sure people understand one thing.  I write this blog to put my life out in front of the world.  It allows me to connect with many people to whom I won’t normally connect.  I also use the blog to convey my emotions about life and the things I am going through.  I never use this blog to knock some one (well maybe with the exception of right-wing politicians.)   Today’s subject is a very highly emotional subject for me, but I really feel for my own emotional and mental health I need to discuss it.  My subject of today will not be easy to discuss, but it is something I have to do.

Today after work I took a different way home.  Instead of taking my normal route I went down highway 93 to Golden and then traveled to the Mother Cabrini Shrine perched on the hillsides above Denver.  Though I have been to Mother Cabrini Shrine many times the journey I made today was special.  I went to the Shrine to purchase a candle, light it and then pray in the Shrine asking forgiveness.  

I have only ever done this 4 times before.  The first was when my mom was sick and dying.  The Mother Cabrini Shrine was one of the places she loved and I asked God for my mom’s comfort and peace.  The second time I went there was with Patty.  At one point in our marriage we struggled and we went there and prayed together and asked God for help.  The third time I went there was the weekend after Patty was diagnosed with Leukemia.  Zack and I went there and prayed for her success in beating the disease.  The fourth time I went to the Shrine was after Patty had died and I went and prayed for her, for me, for Zack, for Nancy – to allow Patty to have peace and for those of us who were left behind to find our own peace.

Today I went there to ask for forgiveness.  I went there to ask God to allow Shelly, her family and her friends to forgive.  I asked for forgiveness for myself for how I have hurt her and the people she loves.  In asking for forgiveness I realized I need to put something out there that I have hidden for so long.  It is a source of shame and tremendous regret.  But I must admit to it now.  When Patty was in the last part of her fight for her life I gave into temptation and was unfaithful to her. It was both a physical and emotional infidelity.  Despite the fact that I was working so hard to help Patty to survive, I was unbelievably selfish and horrible in my actions. I can cite reason after reason as to why I did what I did.  But none of it matters – what matters is that I did what I did. Let me be clear...  I loved Patty and did everything I could for her survival, but I also messed up.  It is just the truth of the situation.

For all who read this blog and many of you are people who read my daily updates on Caringbridge – all I can do is ask for forgiveness.  I know some of you might think I am a horrible person – rotten through the core and I will accept your judgment.

Why did I put all of this out there?  I did this for two major reasons – first and foremost I need the truth to be known.  The truth is important and for a long time I have denied that.  I can only move forward into the kind of life I want to live by confessing my sins.  I know it will come at a great cost to me as I am certain most people will now look at me in a very different light. 

The second reason I am doing this is for love.  I love Shelly and I want her in my life.  I am willing to sacrifice everything for her and hopefully my confession of my actions will show her and her family how absolutely serious I am. Shelly has asked me to "walk in the truth" and that is what I wanted to do.

There are a lot of things I haven’t learned in life, but there is one really important lesson that I have learned and it is pretty simple.  If you love someone, nothing else matters.  Yes – you can disagree and have tough times, but if you love one another anything and everything are possible.  

Shelly and I did not become partners until recently (15 months ago) and had Patty not died we never would have happened.  But we did happen and we connected in a way that I don’t think is the standard kind of connection.  I know I screwed it all up.  But I love Shelly to the absolute core of my being.  I really think she feels the same way about me too.  For two people who share that kind of love to be separate is tragic.  I know I will not find anyone like her – every other person will end up being a compromise.  I think she knows that no one else is going to love her the way that I do.  I have my flaws but in the end run it was her I loved and wanted more than anything else.

I know the cards are now stacked against us as families on both sides think the other person is not good. (It is rightly so that Shelly's family thinks that of me.  In my case my family is defending me.) Family connections are always so very strong and the members of either family don’t want to see the people they love get hurt.  Regardless of this, I know we could be strong together and show everyone that we would be good together.

To Shelly’s family and friends – please read this and see the sincerity of what I saying.  Please see that I am willing to sacrifice anything for her because she is the woman I love with my entire being.

Please comment and tell me what you think - good or bad.  I want to hear the judgment of those who read this blog.  I am not looking for sympathy - I am looking for judgment.

I can not say anymore.  I have forever put the truth out there.  Now that it is on the Internet it will never go away.  I will live with the consequences of my actions for the rest of my life.  I am glad I have done this and let the truth out.  I let the truth out for me, but I also let it out for my love of Shelly.

Forgive me.



Peggy said...

Jerry, Oh my how I can feel your pain in your blogs. I do believe that you know you messed up royally so I won't even go there. It is not mine or anyone else's place to judge you anyway. None of us are perfect, not a one of us! Only God can judge us and you are asking for forgiveness. God has said that anytime we repent & ask His forgiveness then the slate is wiped clean. I do hope that maybe Shelly can find it in her heart to forgive you too.

Sarah said...

Only someone that is without sin can sit in judgement. We never know how we would react in the same situation you were and are in. Prayers for you to find the peace you are seeking.

Mjs said...

Jerry: You are to be commended on opening your life to the world and admitting your flaws. Having been raised in church and believing in the almighty has been my rock and brings to mind a hymn I love. The words are so meaningful and goes:
What a Friend we have in Jesus, all our sins and griefs to bear!
What a privilege to carry everything to God in prayer!
O what peace we often forfeit, O what needless pain we bear,
All because we do not carry everything to God in prayer.

Have we trials and temptations? Is there trouble anywhere?
We should never be discouraged; take it to the Lord in prayer.
Can we find a friend so faithful who will all our sorrows share?
Jesus knows our every weakness; take it to the Lord in prayer.

Are we weak and heavy laden, cumbered with a load of care?
Precious Savior, still our refuge, take it to the Lord in prayer.
Do your friends despise, forsake you? Take it to the Lord in prayer!
In His arms He’ll take and shield you; you will find a solace there.

Blessed Savior, Thou hast promised Thou wilt all our burdens bear
May we ever, Lord, be bringing all to Thee in earnest prayer.
Soon in glory bright unclouded there will be no need for prayer
Rapture, praise and endless worship will be our sweet portion there.

Hoping you find some consolation in the days to come....

Stars said...

None of us can judge you, we have not walked in your shoes. I hope Shelly can afford you the grace now that is afforded to her daily. You have walked in truth as she asked. Forgive yourself and move forward. I enjoy your blogs, you have shown me many things I would have not otherwise seen and envoked many thoughts and conversations I would have not otherwise had. Stay strong with your head high. I woudl like to dhare with you a saying that I cut from the paper years ago that hangs in my office "Though no one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending". Peace and comfort to you.

Mjs said...

Jerry: Have to add a P.S. Bob read your blog and was quite impressed with your bravery on revealing what has occurred. He said that it takes a "strong man" to tell the world and to ask for forgiveness. Wouldn't it be a great world, if we all could do the same?????

Anonymous said...

It takes a strong person to admit to the world that they were wrong or wronged another person.

I hope that your blog helps in your healing, mentally and emotionally. I can only hope that Shelly can see how much she truely means to you and that you are willing to do whatever it takes. I hope both of you find happiness.

Family and friends may be holding her back...I hope that her heart leads her in the right direction.

Stay strong

tcsTenor said...

I only know you from Caringbridge and followed you here to this blog and have kept up with you ever since.

Let he without sin cast the first stone. That would only be Jesus (without sing) who walked this earth and He would not cast any stones. He washed away all our sins and my hope is that you come to know Him. You can still have a personal relationship with Him, it's not too late.

I pray that Shelly forgives you. I also pray that she follows what God wants her to do.

What you did was very difficult. You must love Shelly mightily. I'm also praying for you, Jerry.

At Mjs: I LOVE that song!

Anonymous said...

WOW- I am not at all shocked at your admissions although I am a little surprised at people's reactions. I think it is easy for some people to go the religious route and admire you for being honest and asking for forgiveness. I, on the other hand, have a different perspective. I am a leukemia and bone marrow transplant survivor so I look at your life from Patty's point of view, sorta. I identify with her, although I am much more fortunate since I am still here. Also, when I was growing up my mother had ALS and my father cheated on her when she was dying. I guess I can see why you cheated on her, but it still hurts for me to see that, as both a child of someone who did what you did and as a wife who had the same illness as your wife. People are praying for you to find peace- I am not there yet. I also would advise you not to share your indiscretion with your son, even when he gets older- he will hate you for that because that was his mother and he will hate the woman. Trust me on this one. So I guess I just don't know what to think. In one respect, I understand, but in another respect it makes me angry. I guess I th ink too much that it could have been me. Please know I am not judging you- only sharing how I feel.

Angie said...

You know, all of us have secrets and things we wish we didn't do, I used to be so judgemental of people, now I say, if you and your family are happy, who cares how you live your life. You need to be able to lay your head on your pillow at night and be comfortable with the decisions you have made and learn from the ones that you were not comfortable with. We are all flawed. My opinion of you will not change Jerry, you went through a difficult time with Patty's illness with all of your family at a distance. While I don't agree with your choices, I do understand your need for human connection. Lest we all forget, we are human and we are flawed.

I had the same issue after my divorce, I loved another man that I would have done anything for, but it was not to be. I still love him, it was an all consuming love and I thought I would never be able to live without him, but you know time heals the wounds. I found a whole different relationship with Shawn and I don't feel like I settled at all, I know he is my soul mate and I will grow old with him. Is it the same all consuming love that I had with the other man, NO, but looking back, I think it would not have worked anyway. So things work out, just approach life with an open mind, you never know what will come your way.