Saturday, October 2, 2010

I am sorry...

This is probably one of the toughest blog entries I have had to write other than when Patty died. Today I am going to write of how I messed up and hurt a person who I love. The person is Shelly. Shelly and I have been together for a little over a year and we got engaged in late April.

Recently we broke up. The break up was horrible. Right after Shelly announced that she was ending our relationship, she found out during the first five months of our relationship I was still seeing some one else. I do not have an excuse for doing that. She dedicated to me after our first date. I lied about the situation for months afterwards and didn’t tell her I was seeing some one else. It was wrong. I was horrible to her.

Our relationship has never been easy as we really tend to look at the world through different lens. Regardless of that I was committed to making it work and was dedicated to her. Why I acted as wrecklessly as I did I do not know - probably because I wanted a “Plan B” if the “Plan A” didn’t work out.

Unfortunately for me, Shelly thinks I am much worse than this. She suspects me of cheating on a massive scale – which is not true. At one point she took my phone and got a list of every phone number in it. As far as I know she has called ever women in my phone book and she has not found the cheating on massive scale. She hasn’t found it because it wasn’t what I did. She is convinced of this because I carried on conversations with women who I had dated in the past and I took a liking to Craigslist personal ads. I acted utterly irresponsible and with great dis-respect towards her.

None of this displays a particularly flattering view of who and what I am. But it is the truth – there it is said. Many people may look at me in a different light and indeed they should. Right now I don’t deserve any positive viewpoints from anyone. I need to step back and reassess how I hurt Shelly. I am a fool.

I readily admit my transgressions and why it looks so bad to her. But regardless my heart was with her. I know she will not forgive and will not forget – so there is no hope between us. But I had to write this post to acknowledge my own failings and let the truth out.

The sad thing about all this...  Is that I think we both still love one another.  But we have done so much damage to relationship that is it not redeemable.  That is of course the perfect irony...  two people love one another and long for each other, but who can't be together.

I am very sorry.

Thanks and peace to all! ~J.

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