Thursday, October 21, 2010


Two days ago I placed a very personal message on this blog.  I even linked the blog to my Facebook account so that everyone I interact with could see what I had written.  In the two days since I have done this, I have received feedback from a bunch of people.

I have accepted whatever comment a person wrote about me and ensured that it posted on the blog. Everything that everyone wrote is posted there under the comments section. I don’t want to make any further comments about what was written with a couple exceptions.

One of the more interesting aspects of all this is that the people who were closest to the situation and closest to my late wife, have been the most understanding.  Most of that feedback has come in one-on-one conversations with Nancy and the closest of Patty’s friends.  Does any of this make me feel better or think more highly of myself – no, it does not.  I must accept the harshest of the judgments I have received and accept that for the reality of the situation.

One of the comments that I heard several times in regard to the situation that has resulted with Shelly is “time heals all wounds”.  To some extent I do agree with this statement.  Time definitely does lessen the impact of a wound.  However I do not feel that time will heal this wound for me.

Sometimes you find that person who is just the “one”.  Shelly is that person for me.  I cannot think of her without thinking of the love and affection I feel for her.  Shelly is a very strong and determined person.  But when you really get to know her, you find that she is unbelievably loving and giving.  I love the contrast in her in the fact that she is so strong but at her central core she is so sensitive and loving.  I could go on and on about the things that I love about her. The bottom line is this, I am flawed yet I love every single thing about Shelly - everything.

It is so hard to sit here and realize that I ruined this great relationship. I ruined the future that we had planned out and charted for ourselves.  Though I continue to work for redemption, I don’t know if she will allow us to resume – I can only hope that she might.

I wish so much I could convey to her that what occurred in the past is past and I am so in love with her and want to be 180% loyal to her and only her.  I am a different person today on October 21 then I was back then.  I have learned so much and will never take her for granted again.  I wish so much I could tell her this with my voice instead of posting this words on a blog!

This situation has knocked me for an immense loop.  Besides getting the bare basics done of what I need to do – i.e. work, take care of Zack, etc.  I have done nothing.  Even getting the basics done has been a tremendous struggle.  Because of all this I have been seeing a therapist to talk through everything that has occurred and how I have to change to improve my life.

There are many messages that the therapist has given me.  I am trying to process through each of them and implement positive change in my life.  I will readily admit that change up to this point has been hard because I have been so down and out because of what I ruined.  But the core of me is forever changed.  I am a better person because of all that I have freed from within me – now I am going to show the rest of the world that I am a better person.  I am going to do the hard work for making up for the things I have done.

Today was a busy day around the house.  Zack was supposed to have a swimming lesson after school.  We arrived at Goodsen Recreation Center on time only to find his swim instructor was not there.  We waited for about 15 minutes and then I got a call from her.  She had car troubles and was stuck at the car dealership getting her car fixed.  Oh well – we re-scheduled for next Thursday.

Zack’s fall break starts after school tomorrow.  We have no distinct plans at this point.  I think we will go to the mountains on Sunday afternoon once the Steeler game is over.  We will probably stay there until Tuesday evening or Wednesday morning.  On one of the remaining days we are planning to journey to the Great Sands National Park in Southern Colorado.  It is about a 3 hour one way journey from our home so it will definitely be a full day of travel.

Thanks for listening to all my ramblings.  I know I have been putting out so much stuff in recent days, but I feel I need to release so much and I need to try so hard to win back Shelly.

Thanks and peace to all! ~J.


1 comment:

tcsTenor said...

You may "dis" me for saying this, but I feel the need to share with you. Why not try Church vs. therapist? It certainly couldn't hurt, now could it? If you attend and you don't like it, no harm done, right?
I encourage you to give it a try. There are lots of men and women there who have experienced heartache of the same magnitude you have recently. Go for it, Jerry!!! What have you got to lose??