Thursday, March 19, 2009

Why I Write

Has anyone wondered “Why the hell does Jerry write this blog?” Sometimes I wonder that. As I was running around this morning doing a very early conference call, trying to review spelling with Zack, get Zack his breakfast, get him to school and get to a final appointment with the oral surgeon I spent a lot of time thinking about that – why do I write this thing? I am a relatively simply person. There aren’t a lot of hidden agendas or strategic thoughts that go through my head. I say what I mean and I mean what I say. So you get the unvarnished “it is the way it is” kind of writing from me. Ok – yeah – I use “hidden agendas” to manage my dogs. I’ll go outside and yell “Bye-bye in car car” to get Lex inside when he is barking his head off. No – I don’t have any intention of taking Lex in the car, but he thinks I do and he comes running. That is the extent of me having a hidden agenda. So with that said – why do I write this thing? Sometimes it is a hassle. I occasionally have to deal with the e-mails about something stupid I have written. My readers do appear to be vocal and if I say something stupid – I hear about it – rightly so! Plus there are some days – like yesterday where I am exhausted but I feel the need to write. It is worth it to write this blog. When I think about it I guess there are a couple of key reasons why I write this. First – I write because I want to keep a record of the life that Zack and I lead. When someone leaves this existence what do they leave behind? It all depends upon the kind of life that they have lead. If you are famous, infamous or just well known, someone might write a biography of you. Or you might even write an autobiography of yourself - but what about the 99.9% of the rest of us? There aren’t books written about us. When we leave this world there isn’t much left except for the love and the feelings of those you have left behind have for you. So one of the reasons I write is just to have a record of what has happened. Maybe when Zack is an old man and has grandkids sitting on his lap, he can use whatever technology exists at the time and read stories about his childhood to them from this blog. Second – I like to share. One of the things that was so very difficult about the 2.5 years of Patty’s illness was the feeling of isolation. The Caringbridge site helped in a lot of ways. But from all of that experience I had the realization that you really have to work very hard to have a large, strong social support network. We had family and friends who were there for us during the whole episode. But many people stayed away because of the situation. I have heard from many people that they were really afraid of Patty’s situation. They didn’t know what to say, they didn’t know how to act. So this blog is my attempt to share my life (warts and all) with a larger audience and continue to build a bigger social network for Zack and me as a family. Third – I like to write. I’ll be honest - I really don’t like what I do for a career. Yes – I appear to be pretty good at it. But intrinsically it is not something that I wake up every morning and say “Boy I am happy to be a project executive”. That isn’t any slight to my employer and it doesn’t mean that I don’t work really hard – as I do. It just means, I will not continue doing what I do for the rest of my working career. I am 43 years old and if I follow in the footsteps of both of my grandfathers and father – I would tend to think my working career has another 40 years or more. (OK – provided I don’t get killed climbing a 14er or by a tooth abscess run wild!) I have to find something that I want to do career-wise. There are a couple of things I am considering – one of them is trying to become a nature photographer/writer along the lines of John Fielder. (Just as an FYI… I took the picture at the top of the blog. So I feel I at least have some rudimentary photography skills.) For those of you not from Colorado, John Fielder is probably the most accomplished nature photographer/writer that this state has. I make no claims that I would ever reach that level. But if I could reach the level of being able to pen articles for the local publications and self publish a book or greeting cards that I could sell in the art stores around the state – I would be very happy. My writing here, though it sucks and is full of typos, is a small attempt by me to look to the future and what I am going to do. That future isn’t that far off. Zack will enter high school in only 5 more years. As he makes that transition into high school, I will begin to make the transition out of my current line of work. Fourth and for now most importantly – I write for my own redemption. I want my life to be out there. I want to show who and what I am – I don’t want to be characterized by my own misstatements or the words of others. There has been a lot of water under the bridge during the last 3 years and I want it all behind me. For now it is a hope and I will keep working towards redemption. (T Enzo – that is just for you.) So that is why I write this. I am sure I am silly for putting as much of my life out there as I do, but I guess I am just an exhibitionist! Our day has continued along the same path of the prior days of this week – BUSY! I had to be up and on a conference call at 7:00AM this morning. Calls at this hour or earlier always make for a tough start to the day. It means I have to get Zack up early and then juggle getting him ready and doing work. Today was especially rough as we also had to do a spelling review. Zack has a spelling test every Thursday and normally we do the review on Tuesday and Wednesday – however with all the other things going on this week we didn’t have time. I had my final appointment with the oral surgeon this morning. It was kind of funny as he maybe looked at me for 20 seconds and then pretty much said “Don’t let the door hit you on the way out”. OK – that is an exaggeration, but he made it quite clear that my recovery has been quick and near on one hundred percent. I feel very good about that. I feel strong with how my body has handled the whole situation. I know I am no longer a 20 year old, but knowing that I could make it through something that was viewed to be “potentially life threatening” and bounce back as quickly as I did makes me very happy! On top of that I took the last dose of the really nasty antibiotics (Clindamycin) at noon today. This antibiotic is the one that causes C-diff, so I can not tell you how freaking glad I am to get off of this thing!!! One unfortunate event from today’s activities – Zack broke his glasses at school. This pair has survived since September, so it last 3 times longer than his first pair. So this weekend we will be heading to LensCrafters to get another pair. From what he said it was a total and complete accident. I know my little man and I can’t get angry with him over something like this. Bottom line – little kids and glasses often mean broken glasses! The rest of the day was filled with conference calls and then I had to leave for Boulder. My Thursday evenings meetings in Boulder always make for a long day. Despite the length of the day, I always feel good when it is done because then I usually have a light day of work on Friday. I arrived home about 1 hour ago and now the calm of night time has settled over the house. Zack and the dogs are tucked away in bed and now I have a few moments to myself to finish my writing and then relax. I did have a pleasant surprise when I walked in the door – I got a call from my college roommate. We didn’t have much time to chat because of getting Zack to bed, but we will catch up more over the weekend. It’s always good to hear from Allen! I hope to pick up on my writing on the Caringbridge site again. There is a lot more I want to write about. There is a lot more of the story I want to tell. I will probably post more there this weekend. Til later - thanks and peace to all!

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