Wednesday, December 1, 2010

A Big Decision in the Making...

Since the weekend I have been considering a big decision.  I have been considering taking a Leave of Absence from work for the next several months to get some things in my head straightened out.  I had the first discussion about this today with my direct line manager and we came to some preliminary agreement regarding it.

Given it is IBM I need to have several other conversations about this before anything is final, but as of now I do plan to move ahead with this decision.

Everything concerning this came to a head on Monday night.  I found myself in a very unhappy mental state.  It was so bad that I immediately made a doctor’s appointment for Tuesday as soon as the doctor’s office opened up.  (Let me be clear – I wasn’t thinking of killing myself.)  I just didn’t sleep for one second on Monday night/Tuesday morning.  I was in to see my doctor on Tuesday afternoon and she put me on a bunch more medication.  I am hoping that some of this starts to work.

My doctor thought the leave of absence idea would be very good for me.  She even indicated that I might quality for disability because of the severe nature of my symptoms (i.e. not sleeping for days on end, etc.).  I don’t think I will look into disability but instead just take the leave of absence option for the next several months.

As much time as I have spent talking to my psychologist, it isn’t helping.  Instead I really need the medication as my brain chemistry is severely messed up.  I think with some of the stuff my doc put me on it will help as it has already calmed down the “adrenaline dump” that seems to happen to my body several times a day.

Regardless, until I can get my mind worked through I am thinking the leave of absence is the best thing that I can do.  I figure if I keep trying to work while going through this hell I am eventually going to crash and burn and lose my job and potentially my sanity.

Yes – this is a difficult decision to make and in many ways it is selfish.  Much of what is going on in my head involves Shelly of course – other parts involve the death of Patty.  Shelly unfortunately doesn’t have the option to take a leave of absence for the hell she is going through as she runs her own company.  I wish she too had this kind of opportunity.

I have to realize too that I will never get Shelly back.  It’s not her fault – it’s my fault.  She deserves a man who is better than me.  Though I will remain devoted and in love with her, I know she will never re-enter my life.

Anyway – that is the latest for the day.

PS – Please remember I am in training for the LLS Team-in-Training.  Please going to my team-in-training website and make a contribution.  The web site address is:

Thanks and peace to all! ~J.


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