Trying to Work...

Today was the third day that I have gotten to take the new anti-depression meds that I started to take on Tuesday.  I will say they do see to be having an effect as I don’t seem to be as anxious as I was previously.  I always say – I can deal with depression but I can’t deal with anxiety, so thing are a little bit more bearable today with the anxiety being knocked down a bit.

I am doing at things for work trying to get a lot of things wrapped up as tomorrow is officially my last day on this project.  I have started to prepare some reports and documents for my new position but we will see how that goes per the discussion I mentioned in my post of yesterday.

I got our Christmas tree up yesterday.  I have a bit of re-wiring to do as one string of lights has burnt out.  But in comparison to past years that is not bad!

As I attempt to rebuild my life and recover from this depression I face such a horrible choice.  I will readily admit I like being in a relationship with a woman.  It has now been over 2 months since Shelly and I broke up.  I have not dated anyone or anything like that.  In many ways I want so badly to be in a relationship as I think it would make me feel so much better.  On the other hand – I just can’t do it!  Even though I know Shelly is never coming back to me, I am still deeply in love with her and I can’t get over her.

I have received many e-mails from loyal readers of my blog to forgive myself and move on.  I can forgive myself to some degree but to some degree I can’t.  I can’t because I love this woman so much and I screwed up so that I lost her.  So it is easy to say – forgive myself and move on, but it still hurts so badly that I can’t do it.  Maybe I won’t ever be able to move on – that is what I am starting to believe.  I have signed up for eHarmony and I get my matches and I read about them and I no interest.  Even if they request communication and I answer the questions, etc – I just have no interest.  All my interest remains with Shelly.

Oh well – I know much of these statements sound like whining and they perhaps are.  But as people always say – depression is a disease and I feel like I have to talk about this so that I can get through it.  I apologize if it is not a pleasant thing to read.

As for the leave of absence I discussed yesterday, I haven’t made any further progress in regard to that.  My new manager is going to be out of the country for most of next week so I think it will probably be until the following week I can have an in-depth conversation with her.

I managed to get in a very good 4 mile run today as I ran the entire perimeter of the Willow Creek neighborhood.  Our community is one square mile so each side is one mile long.  It felt good to get out and run and I have now run roughly 1/3 of how long the half marathon will be.  I can do this and I can succeed. 

Zack had a bit of a scare at school today.  They were playing a game in PE that involved the use of rackets.  He accidentally hit a kid in the head with a racket.  He didn’t get in any trouble or anything but with getting suspended back in October, he was very upset that this happened.  Once we talked about when he got home I managed to get him reassured.  (The gym teacher wasn’t even upset with him and used the phrase “accidents happen” but Zack was still very concerned he was going to get into trouble.)

Zack also continues his “biking” ways.  I have allowed him to change his routine after school since it is getting dark so early.  He can come home and ride his bike until 4:20PM before he has to start his home work.  Normally I always had him do his homework first.

Well that’s all for the day!

Thanks and peace to all! ~J.

FYSRD