Friday, December 2, 2011

Decisions, Decisions....

My post of yesterday expressed a lot of emotional that I am feeling about my current status in life.  Things are tough but my physical condition has really left me feeling in a dark and downtrodden mood.  But I am not one to dwell on the negative so I will pick up my chin from the ground and go on.

The other day I had lunch with my brother in which the discussion covered all that has changed in the last 6 weeks..  During the conversation we compared that to what happened between 2006 and 2008 when Patty was sick.  One of the things that I always used to tell myself during that time period was that "I could do anything".  Well - it is time for me to adopt that attitude again, because I do know myself and I know that there is nothing I can't do.  I made it through that horrible time of Patty's illness and death and I didn't crack up.  I didn't give in to the weight of all the things that weighed upon me then.  If I could do that then - I can certainly do it now - and I am going to.  I can make it through this unpleasant time, come out the stronger and figure out the big picture - what is the rest of my life going to be about.

I added that last point as it is something I have spent an immense amount of time thinking about.  From the time of my 22nd birthday it seemed like there was a plan for where my life was going to go.  Then all those plans went away when Patty was diagnosed with leukemia.  In the years since then there were several times when I thought I had a plan.  I particularly felt that when Shelly and I were together.  It felt like the plan was back and I knew where life was going to take me.  I really felt like Shelly was that person who I was going to be with for the rest of my life.  Now that we are not together, I lack a clear cut plan and goals that I had when Shelly was part of my life.  So it is time to get about figuring it out - at least temporarily or I will be like Moses and his band wandering through the desert - I will just be going in circles.

 (Not the design for our kitchen - just an example from kitchen remodeling website.)

Today I made one decision that is going to help clarify the situation.  I have decided that the next major house project is going to be the renewal of my kitchen and family room as opposed to the addition of the mud room.  I made this decision because I think it gives me the most flexibility if I decide to stay in this house or move.  Now that Nancy has moved out of the house, it is so empty it seems like a tomb.  That seems a bit strange since Nancy used to spend so much time in her room, but her presence added a sense of being to the place that doesn't exist with just Zack and me.  So I am questioning the need to stay in this large of a house.  (Yes - this runs exactly counter to what I was thinking a month ago.  But sometimes you have to live in the changed setting to truly understand what it feels like.)  If I get the kitchen and family room remodeled then I am adding clear value to the house if I decide to sell.  If I decide to stay then I will have one of the biggest problem areas of the house addressed.  Whereas if I add the mud room, it will address a problem for me if I continue to stay in the house, but it will do absolutely nothing to add value to the home.  Therefore I am doing the project that gives me the most flexibility and adds the most value to the house.

Another decision that I made today was that I am going to purge even more stuff.  Over the summer I purged about 1/2 of my clothing and a bunch of other stuff.  Most of it was given away, some was sold and the rest was useless junk that I threw away.  I am going to attack everything in this house with a very critical eye and get rid of another huge amount.  I have even secured the services of a professional organizer.  She will begin working with us on December 19th.  The first area she will be attacking is Zack's room.  There is a ton of stuff in there to be purged.  Most importantly she will be working with Zack to develop an organizational system that is going to let him be better organized.  This in turn will most likely result in Zack getting better grades as he won't be losing his school work.  All of this will be tough work, but we are going to do this and do it in short order.  (Though my leg and back won't allow me to get fully into the swing of it for a while, I am going to do what I can by sitting on the floor to sort stuff.  Whatever it takes.)

Change is inevitable and sometimes it is hard, but in this case I am going to force change down my own throat because I am tired of being where I am.  These changes will be good and Zack and I will be stronger and more flexible in life because of them.

Change is also coming to my work.  In a meeting yesterday I got confirmation that I will be heading to India the second week of January.  Though I will absolutely hate being away from Zack I am very excited.  The trip will be an operational assessment of my company's delivery centers in three cities.  This work will set the tone and focus of my work for all of 2012.  It will probably a 7 -10 day trip - which is good as I don't want to be away from Zack for that long.

Well - I think that is about it for the evening.  It has been a long day and a busy evening.  Not that the evening was exactly fun, I had to go to Littleton hospital at 6:00PM for an MRI on my back.  I never knew they scheduled things that late in the day on a Friday.  At least that is out of the way so that when I see the orthopedic doctor on Tuesday she will have the results of the test.  Based upon what I have talked about with my primary care physician if the problem with my back is a screwed up disc, it might be solved by a cortisone shot into my spine.  I hope so!!

We don't have anything else major planned for the weekend.  Tomorrow Zack has an appointment with his psychologist.  Then we are visiting Nancy at Cranbrook and going to the Greek Orthodox Church right near there to see their Christmas displays.  Hopefully we will come up with something to do tomorrow night but as of now - we don't have nothing planned.  The Steelers play Cleveland on Sunday so you can be sure we (well probably just me) will be glued to the TV set for that game.

We hope everyone has a great weekend ahead! 

Thanks and peace to all! ~J

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