Monday, December 12, 2011

Disrobing Myself in the Full View of the World

 I am sure I will get tons of hits to the blog when people see the title of today's entry!  hehehehehe....

No there will be no nudity or disclosing of deep dark secrets.  Yeah - that would NOT be a pretty sight...  A picture of Jerry in his birth day suit!  LOL!  I am cracking up just thinking about it.  Nor am I going to tell you that my deepest darkest fantasy is to be immersed in a tub of whipped cream with Kim Kardashian.  Ahhhhh - no...  that doesn't fit anywhere on my fantasy list! 

What I meant by disrobing myself in the full view of the world is writing about every aspect of my life so that everyone understands me.  In the past I have been told that I use this blog to "selective" describe who and what I am.  To some degree I think that is true, as I do not go into full details about things, nor do I describe EVERY aspect of my life.  There are lots of things that I have held close to my vest of which I haven't talked.  I really struggle with this aspect of the blog.  I don't want to come across as a whiner, nor do I want to come across as some kind of superior, snotty asshole.  I am left with a dilemma as to how I describe myself and what I do.  Well - I suppose that mean I could be a whiner and/or a snob.  Umm...  not a good assessment of myself.

There have been occasions in which I have opened a window into the true depth of my soul and all the things that have happened in my life.  There are some memorable blog entries out there which have absolutely rocked my world to write.  I would say there are probably between 5 and 10 blogs entries that I have written bawling my eyes out and having a need to get a shot of vodka when I completed them.  For the most part it has been good to write those entries and the completion of them has felt like I just did an hour long mental dump in a therapists office.

What am I saying by writing all this?  I am saying that there is a lot churning in my head and heart that in the coming days and weeks I want to put out there.  I realize that it might cost me and might cost me something significant.  Just one example that of something my blog cost me was that it cost me the opportunity to begin a relationship with someone on Match.Com.

I started on Match.Com shortly after things ended with Shelly.  Though I am able to get lots of contact with women and lots of dates from Match.Com, I am coming to realize that it just isn't my thing.  My blog entries cost me the opportunity to meet and develop a relationship with a widow who has 2 kids.  I never made any effort to hide my blog from anyone and she read it.  She couldn't handle the words that I wrote about Shelly in here and decided she didn't want to go out with me.  I totally respect that.  She knows exactly what my feelings are and realized that I couldn't commit to her because in my heart I still love Shelly.

What do I do?  I really want to put everything in my head and heart on this blog, but I also wonder who it will harm or hurt, as I don't want to hurt anyone.  What would you do if you were in my position?  Would you put it all out there or would you "selectively" put stuff out there?

The answer lays in my heart and I know what I have to do.  I have to put it all out there.  I have to stand behind what I believe.  I have to live what I believe.  So what does it all mean?  First it means the next several months are going to be lonely as hell.  My heart is still with Shelly.  I can't freaking deny it.  Going on dates and trying to entertain woman (who though nice - aren't Shelly) just isn't fun.  So for now, I am going to work on spending time with friends and making more friends - forget about dating.  Either in time I will forget about Shelly or we will eventually be together.  I think the last idea is a pretty big long-shot, but you never know sometimes one persons love does prevail.  Second, I am going to own up to all that I am doing to blunt the horrible feelings of my loneliness.  It isn't pleasant, it isn't good, but it is the reality.  Third, I am going to be honest about all my feelings.  It isn't going to be easy to put it all out there - but it will enhance all that I tell the freaking therapist.

Trust me - I will "dis-robe" myself further in coming weeks.  I don't want to be seen as being selective as describing myself.  I want the world to know - because I don't want to hide anything I want the world to know.

Today I had a medical procedure performed on my back to help with the herniated disc.  My brother took me to the surgical center at 1:00PM this afternoon.  Everything was done and I was home by 3:45PM.  Though this was rated as a risky procedure they still performed it at a surgical center and it was done very quickly.  It is rated as a risky procedure because if the surgeon messes up it could cause a lot of pain and I suppose in some cases even kill people. (There is no way it could have killed me because it was so far down my spine.  It wasn't at all near anything too important.  Though I guess the other risky thing is I could have had an adverse reaction to the medication like the late owner of Kacey Fine Furniture here in Colorado.)

(Image of my spine with two needles being inserted into it to inject the cortisone.  Neat pix huh?)

Once all the paperwork was done, they took me back and got me ready for the procedure.  Most of the time was spent doing this.  They put an IV in my arm and had me change into a medical gown.  I did get to keep my skivies on which is always good.  Once in the OR, they had me move over to the OR table.  The anesthesiologist was already in the room and as soon as I was positioned on the table he hit me with propofol.  I was surprised that they were using that drug, but they were.  Within 20 seconds of the drug being put in top of the IV I was out of it.  I always tell myself that I am going to fight it and stay awake.  Ha!  It never happens.  I was out of it so fast.  In what seemed a second or two I was waking up in the recovery room and my back didn't hurt.  I spent the next 40 minutes or so hanging out in recovery room.  By the time I got up and got dressed my back was starting to hurt again.  But as the doctor told me I would probably feel good for a while and then it would start hurting again.  Before they injected the steroid in my back they inject a fair amount of pain killer.  That wears off after a while and the steroid takes several days to take full effect.  As I write this at 6:30PM I don't have much pain if any.  I am hopeful this is going to make a big difference in my life!

Moving on to another subject - this evening after the dogs were fed I gave them each a rawhide retriever roll.  Lex has run off with his and is chewing on it like there is no tomorrow.  Though Finnegan has had retriever rolls before for whatever reason he doesn't seem to know what to do with this one tonight.  He keeps walking around the kitchen and family room whining very quietly.  He loves having it in his mouth as I tried to take it away, but he just doesn't know what to do with it.  It is really cute.

I think that is about all I can write for the evening as I am tired and sleepy from the fact that I had the procedure today.  Even though it was pretty simple it did take a lot out of me.  Hopefully it was worth it!

I hope everyone is doing well and starting to get the Christmas spirit in their hearts.  It might take me a bit but I will get it there.

Have a great evening everyone!

Thanks and peace to all! ~J.

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