Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Leaving nothing on the table....

There are some times in which you have to go over and beyond.  You have to give everything you have inside you to reach the goal that you want to reach.  When Patty was sick and dying, I put it all on the table and did everything in my power to help her survive.  When the battle was finally over, I knew there was not one more thing I could have done to help Patty.

Since that time it seems like my life has been one challenge after the other.  Some of them are clearly the results of my actions - others have not been.  So for the 20th or 30th time since Patty died in July of 2008 I feel like I reached rock bottom. I never understand why I can't climb out of this titanic black hole in which I feel that I have fallen.

For the last 6 weeks my life has been one hellish roller coaster.  Unfortunately the general direction that it has been headed has been straight down.  The first thing that triggered it was the surgery on my leg.  Throughout the 7 months that I lived with the stress fracture in my left fibula I was in a fair amount of pain.  The pain grew over time and by September when I sought a second opinion it was pretty damn bad.  I thought the surgery to repair the break would be easy and simple.  Which in fact the surgery was - as I was totally out of it for the surgery and I didn't feel a thing.  The real challenge started with the recovery.  I had no clue that I would be as immobilized as I was.  I had no clue how much pain I would suffer during the recovery process.

It is six weeks after surgery and my leg is fixed but I am barely able to walk.  Because of the constant use of crutches and staying off of one leg for so long, at least one disc in my back has compressed and now I am experiencing the worst pain in the world.  There doesn't seem to be any end in sight concerning this pain.  So I need to step up my game to go through PT despite the pain.  I need to work through it day and night just so I can do the things I need to do.  Whenever I heard of people having back pain and being on disability because of I always thought it was a scam.  Now I can tell through my own experience it ain't no scam.  I do have a high pain tolerance level, but the back pain is pushing me over the edge.  As a result of the pain it has changed my general outlook on life and my view of things is so very dark.  It is not a place I am used to being.

In addition to the pain related to the outcome of the surgery, I have reached a point where I am just exhausted by the amount of work that is needed to provide Zack with the direction he needs to go.  Don't get me wrong, Zack has made tremendous strides to overcome his anxiety and OCD issues but there is still a long way to go.  But I will never stop working with Zack and ensuring the expectations of him are the same as the expectations of any 13 year old.  I can never give up.  I have to put everything I have into this effort to get him where he needs to be.  I love my son so much - I can't allow myself to do any less!

Then comes an issue that I wish so much I didn't have to write about.  As many of the readers of this blog know I have had an on again/off again relationship with Shelly.  In the last three weeks a few very difficult things occurred in our relationship.  I don't want to get into the details but the issue was significant.  As a result of this issue we are now at a point where we are broken up yet again. 

I am a strong believer in the strength of love.  I don't believe that there are that many chance you get in life for a deep true lasting love that can form the basis of a long term relationship.  I have that love for Shelly and despite our discord I believe she has that same love for me.  I believe that we were made to be together, as I understand Shelly and what motivates her.  In the same way Shelly understand the most important aspect of what makes me tick.

So for now we are not together.  But I unconditionally love this woman and I am so willing to put everything on the line for her love.  It is going to take a lot of effort but I will win her back yet again.  I believe in the goodness of Shelly and the believe in the goodness of our relationship.  Yep it's been a difficult run of things, but there are reasons for why that has occurred and if we love one another enough we can resolve those issues.  Perhaps many people will call me stupid for this belief in having a relationship with Shelly.  But sometimes you need to really show your devotion and love for a person even when it is so hard.  Yes Shell - if you ever read this, just know I still love you and I am willing to fight and work for you, because you are worth it.  I believe in the grand scheme of things that love is one of the most power forces in the universe and I believe that true love will always win!

I am going to stand behind those words with my actions.  Perhaps I am stupid as I am sure I am overlooking other opportunities that won't be so hard or so difficult.  But this is standing for what I believe in and what I know is right.  I may be emotionally and mentally destroyed in the end run, but I am going to put it all on the table and do everything in my power to show Shelly that she is loved without condition and without exception.

And so...  I will climb out of this rock bottom that I have hit.  One way or another I will overcome.  By the time that spring comes (Spring is only about 110 days away) this rock bottom that I have hit will be a memory that is fading fast and is filled with the hope and promise of a new season and the coming of warmth.

I don't ask for this often - but please keep Zack and me in your thoughts (prayers if you say them) because we do need the inspiration and support!

Thanks and peace to all! ~J.


Mjs said...

Sorry about all your unhappiness & despair. I can relate to your back problem - have been there and know the pain involved. And, as you said, unless you have the problem; it's hard to comprehend how painful it is....

The devil sure is busy working in your life...

Anonymous said...

I am so sorry you are having such a rough time. I hope you and Shelley work it out. It is clear that you truly love her and I hope she can find a renewed trust in you for your mistakes. I know that I met my husband after his wife died and he did some dumb things too, Different but equally dumb. We are now together 20 years and I see that it was all part of the grieving process. PTS manifests itself in weird ways. Good luck to both of you.

Elasti-Girl; Kris said...

So sorry you're in such a valley; having physical pain makes the emotional pains of life so much more difficult to get through. I am certainly praying for you & for Z It's clear that you & Shelley are worthy of each other's love, and I am hopeful that in time your relationship will work itself into something stronger, but for now I am praying for both of you individually to become who it is you're supposed to be. (((gentle hugs)))