Sometimes there are no words to really describe where I am. This morning is one of those days. Sleep did not come easily last night and it did not last long. And now my entire world seems wrapped in anxiety. Though I can normally apply the face paint that makes me look normal and happy, there is a tide of anxiety roiling around inside my head and heart that is debilitating. The anxiety stops me cold in my tracks in my ability to do anything or it leaves me doing things that drive others away.
I feel as though the anxiety is closing in from all sides and there is no where to run. I am boxed in and can't escape the trap of my own mind and my own worries. So I lay wake all night in the dark and I think of my worries and horror stories. What are my horror stories - pretty simple, my horror stories are the life that I live - being alone and trying to make my way through this world. I am so tired of being alone. I am so tired of the constant hours of silence ringing in my ears. There are times in which I long for some kind of accident or medical emergency to take me so that I can be in a coma and just sleep through it all until it is my time to go.
But despite it all I have to go on. I have to raise this young man of mine to be some one who is good, caring and driven. I have to try each morning to forget about the sleepless night and put the face paint of normalcy on so that I can function in the "real world". Yet what is my real world? Most of is defined by the walls of 8642 E. Otero Place. As time goes by I don't want to leave this little world of mine. I am becoming like one of those characters in the movies who doesn't ever leave their home. For example, I should be looking forward to next week with joy and happiness, instead it is producing anxiety and trepidation in my heart.
To make all of this worse, I have absolutely no one to talk to about all of it. The one person who I might be able to talk to about all this I keep driving away because my anxiety makes me so needy. I don't know if everyone understands chronic anxiety and how it makes you want to grasp and hold onto security. You want that reassurance that things are OK. I need to add a very specific message - Brenda, I hope I haven't driven you away. I think you are one of the few people who can understand where I am. I think you are stronger than me because you faced the same situation with a lot more grace and dignity than I have ever faced it. I am sorry for being such a pain in the ass.
So for now I am in a box. A box that has been made in my mind. I feel desperate and utterly isolated. There seems to be absolutely no way out. All the medications, short of the ones that knock you out are useless to me. They don't do any good to still the anxiety that cause my heart to beat so loudly and quickly.
Right now I don't have any answers to the questions I have posed. My mechanisms for currently dealing with the pain and agony - medication and alcohol are not effective. I haven't a clue as to what I am going to do in the long run.
Thanks and peace to all! ~J.