Today’s update on activities from Costa Rica is actually pretty brief. Early this morning we left Puerto Viejo and made our way back to San Jose. Originally our trip back to San Jose was going to go another direction but unfortunately, this much long road has been closed for repairs and no traffic is getting through. So we returned to San Jose by the way we came – route 32 from Limon to San Jose. Once again we marveled at the rain forest and enjoyed all the scenic views along the way.
Once we returned to San Jose, Zack and I checked into our hotel and then I made several calls back to the United States to check up on things. I had talked to Nancy very briefly yesterday only to find that she was sick, so I wanted to make sure that things were OK with her. After my phone calls we hit the city streets to see what we could see. We ended up running into another American and sharing some lunch with him in a small café.
This afternoon some very bad news came our way. During our time in Puerto Viejo, Ruben had been receiving calls from his family about a situation that going on involving a sick uncle. This afternoon as I was sitting here in the room, I received a text message on my phone from Ruben indicating that he couldn’t continue on with Zack and me on the trip. He could help us get to the next stop but then he needed to be in San Jose to deal with his family situation. So basically unless I could immediately come up with a car or some other form of transportation we couldn’t go forward with the trip. So Zack and I need to return home tomorrow. Needless to say I am not happy. There are many feelings running through my head and I truly understand the pressure that Ruben is under from his family as I witnessed some of the phone calls when we were in Puerto Viejo. It’s has just added to my downright unhappy mood. I so wish so many things in my life could be different.
Now it is time to move onto my major subject of the day. This subject was the point of a post that I made on Facebook earlier today. On Facebook I wrote the following: “The hurtful and not good things we do in our life out live our good deeds. We can't do bad and hurtful things to the people we care about because sometimes we never get a chance to fix them.”
I have always tried to believe in my heart that I am relatively good person, but I am starting to understand that may not be the case. Why do I say that? I say that because deeds of the past to which I take full responsibility continue to haunt me and drive the goodness out of my life. Instead of the life that I want lead, my life is continually being pushed into directions that I don’t want because of my hurtful behavior.
Perhaps I am not a good person is what it all boils down to. It’s hard to look your self in the mirror and admit that but that is the truth. The sins of my past continue to come and haunt me years later. I think that is the only thing that it could mean.
So what do I specifically mean? What I mean is that the harm that I did to Shelly in 2010 has continued to pay dividends. The impact of my decision to go back to her again in the summer of 2011 has once again cost me to the opportunity to start a new relationship with someone who is quite important to me. And it is all my fault. It is my fault that the pain I caused continues to do me harm today. It was my fault that I went back to Shelly in the summer of 2011. It was my fault and only my fault and my actions in that moment destroyed the hope of a future today.
For me I once again feel forlorn and in the depths of depression. I believe in the goodness of life and I want to believe that I can make good things happen in my life, but the reality is different from what I hope. In reality life continues to chew me up and spit me out in the element of life that I consider to be one of the most important – my personal relationships.
But I guess once again I need to step back and look at the good things that I do have. Despite his not so hot grades, I have a son who adores me and loves me. I have a wider family that accepts me and loves me for who I am. I have a good job that pays well and allows me to do the things with life that I want. So despite the fact that my relationship “life” isn’t what I want it to be, life can be OK. I just need to find the acceptance within my heart to move forward with life.
Oh well – it has been a trying day and you aren’t supposed to have trying days on vacation. Bren – if you ever read this – all I can ever say is sorry for the choice I made. It was forever the wrong choice and I am sorry. Though you say I made you the second choice, it was forever the wrong choice! You are so much better of a person!!
Thanks and peace to all! ~J.