Wednesday, February 8, 2012

Stirring the Pot of Controversy

As I started out the day, I had no plan to write a blog entry this evening.  I had my mind set on writing a blog entry for tomorrow - February 9th, because it as anniversary of something important.  Though I didn't plan on writing this post I decided to write it after glancing at MSNBC.Com late this afternoon and finding two very interesting articles about the same subject. 

I really had to really think about whether or not to write this blog entry as the whole topic is somewhat controversial and puts a lot of my personal life out there under a microscope.  But I don't care about that.  I think it is an important enough subject to write about.  And yes to my friends I can hear you all saying - "oh dear god, what is he going to write about now!"  Really it isn't too bad, I am just going to write about sex - well, more specifically the lack thereof.

I decided to write about this today because the articles on MSNBC that I saw were about 2 two celebrities and the fact that they have been celibate for a long time.  The celebrities are Courtney Cox and Tim Gunn.  (If you have never heard of Tim Gunn - neither had I.  He is a "mentor" on the Project Runway TV show.)  Courtney Cox, in an interview with Howard Stern of all people said that she had been celibate since she and David Arquette broke up.  The address for that article is:

 (Picture courtesy of Wikipedia Commons.)

I don't know how long Courtney and David have been broken up, but if my memory serves me correctly it has been awhile. So kudos to Courtney for standing up for something that she thinks is important.

In the second article Tim Gunn revealed that he has been celibate for 29 years.  Yes, that is correct - 29 years!   The article about Tim Cunn can be found at this address on MSNBC.

(Tim Gunn photo courtesy of Wikipedia Commons.)

They both had different reasons for their celibacy, but the key point was they were very happy with the approaches that they had taken regarding sex.  In our over-sexed, highly glamorous society it is surprising to hear to voices from Hollywood say what they did.  And what was refreshing about it was they weren't driven to their decisions by some kind of rabid religious thought process.  I have a problem with reaching those same conclusions through a religious line of thought.  My problem with that is that the people who choose that lifestyle are doing it because it has been dictated to them by their religious leaders as opposed to their own thought processes.

As I started thinking about these articles in the light of my current status in life, they put a lot of thoughts into my head.  The first thing it made me think about was what was the longest I had gone without being with a woman and what was my motivation for doing that?  I had to sit down and think about this one and I realized that the longest I had probably gone was when Patty was sick.  After Patty was diagnosed sex really wasn't something that I thought about too much.  Life at that point was just about survival.  As I have told the story several times before on this blog I did finally give in to the desire - but if you want to read about that you have to go way back into the archives.  I think I wrote about that back in October of 2010. 

My motivations back then were driven a lot by just the need to survive.  Sex wasn't something that was important for my survival nor was it going to help me be strong for Patty.  So I didn't even need to think about that as a result.  All I needed to think about back then was taking care of Patty as best I could, raising Zack and being there if Nancy needed me.  But after I adjusted to the reality of what I was dealing with, my thoughts became a lot different and I let the weakness of my own being take over.  That was pretty darn silly of me I will admit.

My thoughts then wandered to the question of how do so many people survive when they are in situations where it isn't possible to fulfill that desire.  In particular I thought of all the soldiers that have spent year-after-year deployed to either Iraq or Afghanistan.  What do they do?  It is silly but in some ways it helps you put in perspective what the people who serve in the military are sacrificing.  Heck, most of these guys and gals are in the army in the years when their peers are having the most sex and here they are out in the middle of god knows where not able to do anything with that desire.

All of this lead me to a thought of how lucky I have been throughout my life.  Ever since I went to college at the age of 18 I have been so fortunate to have had wonderful loving women in my life as partners.  In some ways it is kind of scary to think that pretty much there is an unbroken string of relationships I have had since September of 1984 when I started dating my college girlfriend.  I have tended to date very few people but the people I dated, I dated for very long periods of time.

The really funny thing about this is what we think in our heads and how our imagination about being single is so very different than the reality.  For example, at times when Patty was ill I imagined what it would be like to be single and I had all these thoughts that it would be one wild party after another.  I imagined I would have so much fun going out and dating all these different woman.  The reality is the exact opposite.  There is nothing like being in a committed dedicated relationship.  The being single part really sucks!

After the November end to my last relationship, I got into this mode that I thought I just had to be out there dating and trying to find another relationship.  This lasted about 5 weeks before I realized how absolutely wrong that was.  But I did what comes naturally in this day and age - I signed up for an online dating website - in this case Match.Com.  Sure enough within a very short period of time I was out there cultivating relationships.  I did go out with one woman several times before I realized that I just didn't want to get into another relationship.  The woman who I went out with was very nice, very attractive and she was into me.  It wasn't that I couldn't have been into her, it's just that I realized that it really wasn't the right time to start another relationship.  I really needed to let my mind and my heart figure out where I wanted to go.  So I am glad that I didn't get involved in any kind of intimacy as it just won't have been right for either of us.

So where am I going with all of this?  I am going to the conclusion that runs counter to what every red blooded male is supposed to want.  I am reaching the same conclusion that Courtney Cox and Tim Gunn have reached.  Though I think that Tim Gunn has taken it a little too far - 29 years, that just seems extreme to me.  The conclusion is it is better to be celibate and abstain from having sex than to entangle yourself in ways that become harmful to yourself.  Just because you are single, it doesn't mean you have to be out there involving yourself in meaningless relationship after meaningless relationship.  It is far better to wait and find the right relationship. 

It's funny but I actually feel proud of myself for abstaining and not getting involved with someone.  This is probably the first time in my life that I have done this but it feels good to know that I have had the strength to go without needing to do that.

Given that I didn't intend to write a blog entry at all today, I think that was a pretty profound and deeply thought out entry about a controversial subject.  Yes - I am patting myself on the back.  LOL!

The specifics of the day were pretty boring.  This morning I woke to intense pain in my left hip and leg from my back.  After I got off to school I had to take 4 Advils and a bunch of oxycodone to get the pain to settle down so that I could be productive for the day.  By late this afternoon the pain was back so tomorrow morning I am calling the neurosurgeon's office and see what he wants me to do.

Zack had a great day at school today.  I can't believe some of the changes I am seeing in him regarding his anxiety and taking responsibility for things.  I hate to go on about it, because I am afraid that I will jinx the situation, but I am very proud of the accomplishments he is achieving. 

Today was also cleaning lady day, so the house is all nice and clean.  I felt bad for my cleaning lady Kathy as she was on her own today.  Normally her daughter Kelli works with her, but today Kelli was home with sick kids so Kathy was on her own.  It took her the best part of 8 hours to clean my house and my neighbors house.  All I can say is Kathy works her butt off!!

Even though I am still struggling with the pain from my back, I am moving ahead with some of the big projects here at the house.  Tomorrow I am having the kitchen designer who I am going to work with come in and take measurements.  We are then going to start talking the design.  Which means hopefully I can get with my friend who is the interior decorator to help me lay out some ideas about the style and colors that I should use in this remodel.

I think I have covered a lot of ground with this post tonight.  As always thanks for reading and staying interested in the stuff I put out there.

Thanks and peace to all! ~J.


Rilly said...

"To each his own" is this females opinion. I know there are seniors out there who need the companionship of another mate when their spouses die and I think it's great, but for me, after 47 yrs. with one man I could not imagine myself with anyone else so I'm 10 yrs. celibate and quite content. I do miss him terribly!!!

JoHanna said...

Hi, stumbled upon your blog last night (came back today) and although we probably are coming from two very different places, hope you don't mind my commenting here. I am a Christian, haven't always been. For me, I wouldn't follow a religious leader, but do try to follow the Bible, because it just makes sense to me. Also if I had had the boundaries the Bible teaches, I would have been saved a lot of misery early on. The ideal and healthiest thing is to be in a committed and loving relationship. Thanks :)