Monday, February 23, 2009

Something on my mind...

When I started this blog back in November, I set it up as a specific place where I would talk about the life that Zack and I were leading since Patty left us. Rarely have I referred to Patty in this blog except in passing reference or when I have posted a story from the past – like the story about Devon a couple of days ago. Today I have something very specific on my mind that I want to share regarding the last several years. This will probably be one of the very few times that I specifically address this kind of issue on this blog. I am writing this because of several things that have happened in the last week or two. I am only going to relate one of these things. The other things that have occurred have weighed heavily on my mind and I don’t wish to post them here. The one event that I will relate is a conversation that took place last Friday with Zack’s psychologist. Dr. J (as we call her) had to cancel the last several appointments with Zack because her mother was very ill and in her last days. Last Friday’s appointment was the first time we had seen her in almost a month. The first thing that both Zack and I did when we entered the office on Friday was offer our condolences upon the passing of Dr. J’s mother. In the conversation that followed, Dr. J expressed her thanks and said that her experience of the last 2 weeks had made her understand better what we had been through during the last 2.5 years with Patty’s illness. She said that the week while her mother had been in hospice care was so exceeding hard. I could definitely understand what she was expressing! Dr. J then went on to say, she could not possibly understand how Zack and I had survived what we had enduring from March of 2006 when Patty first became ill. As a psychologist she couldn’t understand how both Zack and I had survived the level of trauma we had and yet had held things together as well as we had. I was taken aback by what she said in a lot of ways. I have never viewed either Zack or I as victims in this situation. I have viewed as participants in the life of a person we loved dearly, but not victims who should be traumatized. Though I was shocked by the depth of her feelings what we had been through – I was proud of myself. I was proud of myself in the fact that I have survived this trauma and I have pulled my child through it relatively intact. It was one of the toughest times in my life and I had to make some horrible choices and decisions along the way. I am not happy about all that occurred during those 2.5 years. But I can’t change the past. I am not happy about the thoughts that raced through my head. I am not happy about all the actions that I took. But I did what I could to help Patty and to help myself survive. Would I do it differently if I had to do it again – that’s a tough call. But I can’t change where I am now. I made the decisions I did, said the words I did. It is all in the past, I am stronger for it and I am going to go on and I am going to thrive! So with all that said… what is the point of this post? The point is this – I fought a horrible battle during those 2.5 years. The details of that battle are horrific and I want to put it in my past. I hope those people around me who care about me – will understand this and accept it for what it is. I am sure this post does not make sense to most people – but it was something I had to write and put out there as it important to me. I will post another update this evening. For whatever reason, I am in a “bloggy” mood. I just have this need to put a lot of stuff here on the blog. Thanks and peace to all!

No comments: