Thursday, January 26, 2012


There are days in which you feel nothing of the loss you have experienced.  Life continues and all is good.  Then there are other days in which the stupidest of things set you off and all the loss you have experienced comes rushing back into your head.  As the tears pour from your eyes and the hurt rips your heart apart there is nothing you can do to stop the pain.

This evening all the pain and loss was brought up in my head by a TV show of all things.  I was watching an episode of the show "Criminal Minds" and at the end, one of the main characters is shown talking with his son.  I had never realized it before but this character's wife had died.  In the episode the character is shown talking to his son and they were talking about his late wife and his child's mom.  I don't know why but it brought up every single solitary emotion I have experienced about Patty's death.  There was no way to stop the emotional tsunami that hit me in that moment.  All I could do was try and get my breath as my emotions exploded in a torrent of tears.  Why? Why? Why?  Why did she have to die?  Why wasn't it someone who didn't care about their spouse?  Why did it have to be Patty that died?  What a fucking horrible thing!  Did I do enough to help her?  Did I do enough to save her and prevent her from dying?  Why? Why? Why? Why? Why?

I can scream and shout as much as I like as I live in a house that is practically deserted.  It's just me, Zack and the dogs.  The dogs don't care what kind of sound I make and Zack is sound asleep.  So I can shout, scream, curse and yell all I want and no one is going to hear me.  NO ONE.  You get it Jerry - no one is going to hear.  No one is going to care!  All of that went away when Patty breathed her last - no one gives a flying fuck so you can rant and rave all you want at life's misfortunes and it isn't going to make a whit of difference.

So what do I do?  I can't call anyone - it is too late to talk to the few people that will care.  I can't sleep because I am now like a cat on a hot tin roof.  So I decide to drink.  But there isn't enough alcohol in the entire house that is going to make me forget what I am feeling.  So I turn to my f'ing blog.  Yep - put it all out there where a bunch of strangers for the most part can read about it and say to themselves - "Dear god, I am glad I am not that messed up individual".  Oh well - I am sure that's what many will say - but at least I get it out of my system for now.  Well - maybe I get it out of my system as I have been crying so hard that the snot is just running down my face and on to the key board.

(Was looking through old pictures last weekend and I found this picture of Patty.  She was so beautiful!)

As a friend of mine who lost her husband told me (yeah - Brenda that's you if you read this thing) you will never 100% get over it.  You'll think you are OK and then it will come raging back on you one day when you least expect it over the stupidest thing.  That's the truth!!

Now that I have written this maybe I will sleep - probably not as I think I need to finish my bottle of wine first.  Where ever you are Patty Rae, please look out for me as today is one of those days in which I just don't think that I can do it.  To this day I am not sure why you had to die.  I would have rather traded places with you 100 times over and died on that July day of 2008 then be here trying to raise Zack on my own.  It is the hardest thing I have ever done and I am failing miserably!  You should have never died - it should have been me as Zack would be doing so much better.  If it had been me who died, it would have been just like I was out of town on a long business trip.  He was used to that.  He wasn't used to you being gone.

(A picture I took of Zack a month after Patty died.  We were in downtown Denver waiting to catch the light rail home.  I think this picture captures a lot of the sense of loss he has felt since Patty got sick.)

And besides messing up Zack what have I done since you died Rae?  Not anything good that is for sure.  I fell in love with some one who doesn't love me anymore and it has made my heartbreak even worse. 

(Why didn't it ever work out between us Shell? I wanted to give you the world!  How silly am I as I still do?)

There is no peace tonight for me.  But for those who read this I hope you can find the peace that eludes me.

Good night.


Elasti-Girl said...

There are no words, just sending a little encouragement ((((hugs))))

NanaRose said...

You are doing more for Zac than you realize. I am so sorry that you lost Patty. I don't know you but my heart hurts for you and Zac.

Anonymous said...

I am sorry that things suck today but they will improve. My husband was widowed at 32 and there were many nights of the tears and snot. Every now and then he still has one and like you said, it comes out of no where. We have been together 20 years and while he loves me and the life we have, he still grieves at random times. Once when we spoke of it, he explained it as a sort of survivor's guilt. Her life anded at 29 and he went on living and created a whole new life. You will miss Patty but will move forward. You will meet the right person and when you do, they won't leave. You and Zack will both know when it's right. You are doing a great job with him, from what I read and please remember 12 year olds are HARD. I have one too. Stop doubting yourself, cut yourself some slack, finish the wine and geet some sleep. Everything looks better in the light of day.