Monday, April 9, 2012

The Nose and the Rose

Wow!  What an interesting title for today’s blog entry!  It is a misleading title because the nose part has nothing to do with the rose part. 

I start today’s blog entry with “The Nose”.  Depending upon who their owners are dogs can have some pretty cushy lives.  They really don’t have any kind of major responsibilities other than to follow the rules that are set for them.  Most dogs know how to bend the rules to their advantage so that they can get what they want.  It all depends upon what they can do to play cute.  For some dogs they don’t have to do anything to be cute to us they just are.  We just look at them and we want to hold them the same way we held our stuff animals when we were kids.  Other dogs have their tricks down pat as to how to get their humans to do what they want them to do.  Some will do a little cute howl and get down on their haunches and wag their tails.  Pictures of puppies in those positions are just so cute.  For every dog, there is at least one special way that they have to make themselves so cute and lovable.

Finnegan has evolved one of these mechanisms that I call “the nose”.  To be 100 percent honest it can be both cute and annoying.  What Finn does is he uses his soft little black nose to poke when he wants your attention.  He loves to do when I am lying on the couch.  He will come up to me and use his nose to lift my arm or poke me in the ribs.  He has used his nose so much that the tip of it is changing color of pure black to this faded color.  I really have to a laugh how effective he is in using his darn nose to get exactly what he wants.  For the most part it is always cute except for in the early morning.  After he goes out of the first time he will come in and his nose is absolutely freezing cold!  Then he will take his nose and poke me in the back of my leg.  If I have just gotten out of bed I am still all nice and warm.  Brrrr…  is all I can say every time that cold nose of his touches my warm skin.

“The nose” is just one of those things about Finnegan that makes him so cute, adorable and lovable.  It’s wonderful to have the love and affection of this cute, wonderful puppy!

Because I was trying to be funny I decided to name the second part of today’s blog entry – The Rose.  I decided to name it the rose because I was going to write about sharp prickly things with thorns.  Of course I am just pulling everyone’s leg by saying.  Instead I am going to write of something of beauty.

If you all haven’t been able to tell by now I am a hopeless romantic.  In my younger years I never would have thought of myself as that, but I have certainly come to realize that is what I am.  Throughout most of my adult life I have been occupied with the thoughts of women.  I just can’t help – it is who I am.  But let be clear about that I have been gone wily-nily from one woman to another constantly falling in love.  That has not been me.  I become very dedicated to one woman and then I stick with her.  Before I met Patty there was only one person with whom I was involved and really loved.  Patty was destined to be my partner and life companion pretty much from the first time we met.  Once I met her was with her continuously until she died.  No – I wasn’t perfect about it, but there was nothing that was going to pull us apart.  Had she continued to live we would have been together.

Since Patty has died I have dated a number of women.  I guess if you were to count it up it comes out to about 10 women – and most of those 10 were only a handful of dates.  But of those ten only 3 have made a significant impact upon me in terms of my thoughts and emotions.  Nor have I jumped from one partner to another in seemingly endless fashion.  My heart becomes attached and even if I am rejected my thoughts, dreams and hopes remain with that person to whom I have become attached.

It has now been 1365 days since Patty was lost to this world.  And despite the mistakes that I have made along the way, I have found someone to whom I feel very unique attached.  Granted I screwed it up last summer when I left her and went back to my old girlfriend, but I know the feelings that remain in my head and heart.  For at least a short time in the late winter I saw glimpses of those same kind of feelings being replicated back to me.  Now those feelings are either dead or very well hidden – I don’t know.  But I can’t spot thinking about her. 

So why has Brenda become so special to me?  There are so many reasons.  I really think the thing that attached Brenda to me in the first place was her willingness to listen and understand.  Compassion, understanding and the willingness to step out side of your own skin to understand what someone else is going through is a unique gift.  If you look through the recent history of the world some of the people who have been the most beloved of all time have been people who were able to show intense compassion.  People like Sister Theresa and Prince Diana illicited the reactions from people because the put themselves in other people’s shoes and never judged – they were compassionate.  I loved how I could tell Brenda anything – even the worst side of myself and she could understand without judging.  To often during the time since August of 2006 when Patty got sick I have been subject to a lot of judgment by others.  Brenda was able to accept where I had been and understand the level of pain in my soul.  In many ways she had been there before as she lost her husband years ago.

Another connection point is that though she doesn’t see it she is very laid back.  Like me she isn’t necessarily laid back when it comes to dealing with her children, but when it comes to maintaining relationships with other adults, she is easy, going, happy and stress free.  There were never any expectations that you had to do a specific thing when it came to going out.  Even this past St. Patrick’s Day we had talked about going out to a fancy restaurant in downtown.  Instead at the last moment I thought why not change it up and indulge in St. Patrick’s Day craziness.  So we went to a dive bar along the South Platte River and we both were just as happy.

I really could go on and on.  There are so many things that draw me to her.  And yet I know my chances to re-build a relationship with her are minimal.  But regardless I still can’t help but be drawn to her.  I can’t help but want her to be in my life in some way, form or fashion.

I think too I could add to her life.  Perhaps I am totally mistaken, but I understand where she was when she had her life companion in her life.  I get it.  I understand that he occupies a place in her life that no one will ever replace.  I respect her so much for know the depth of her what he meant to her and never wavering from that.

Brenda – If you ever read this you are a rose.  You are as close to perfect as a person can come – at least as close as perfect as some one can come for me.  I don’t need to tell you how beautiful you are.  You are amazingly beautiful but that is the absolutely least of your qualities.

Oh well I will dream on and you will occupy my dreams for a long time to come.  You have never so much as said a cross word to me – how can I do anything but want to be around you and share your life?  You offer the people in your world so much – I hope you can understand why I care about you so much.

And so you all hear of my romantic, idealistic heart.  I only wish I could provide the substance and strength in my soul that would make me special to some one like Brenda.

As for the rest of our day, it has been work, work and more work.  I need to stay on top of my work e-mail until late tonight as I have been preparing a major presentation for my manager for tomorrow morning.  She’s reviewed several times but I need to see what she has to say about the final version that I sent her.

This morning I also got some news about my MRI from Saturday.  There isn’t anything dramatic to report there is just extensive damage and scarring to all the tissue around my L4/L5 vertebrae.  I got this information from my sister-in-law who went into the computer system and read the radiologists report.  So far there hasn’t been any word from the neurosurgeon.  Perhaps I will hear something tomorrow.  I hope there is something that we can change because right now the pain levels continue to increase and my sense of loss over the whole scenario continues to grow.  Zack and I were talking this evening about how much we would like to get out to Cherry Creek State Park and do some hiking around and just hanging out.  Right now with the pain I keep experiencing in my hip that doesn’t seem possible.

Well I guess that is it for the night.  It’s time go get back to my work e-mail and see if I have any feedback from my manager.  I hope every has a great week ahead!!

Thanks and peace to all! ~J.

No comments: