Tuesday, April 3, 2012

Back in the Box

I awake in the pitch blackness of night, the sudden jolt of a thought wrenching me from the soundness of sleep into the panic filled world of consciousness. The bedclothes hang on my sweat drenched body as my heart continues to heave with the feeling of panic, despair and sadness.

Like a cigarette addict I reach along my nightstand for something to try and calm me and to hold back the terror that fills my thoughts.  Instead of the tobacco sticks of death I find my phone and look at the time.  Still very early - 4:38AM but the worst thing is the screen of the phone is blank.  No one is there. No one has cared enough to leave even a simple message of greeting. How long has it been since the phone made a sound – a day, a week – I don’t know.  A single tear runs down from my left eye and stains my face as I put my phone down and let the darkness embrace me again. 

There won’t be any more sleep tonight.  Whether it is the steroids I am taking for my back or the horrors of the continuous loneliness I try and drift back asleep among the sweat covered ruins of my bed.  But it isn’t going to happen.

So I do what I have done for the last two weeks when the anticipation and optimism go away.  I pick the phone up and I read all the messages.  They go back almost two months.  For the first month they are filled with promise.  They are filled with words of tenderness and love.  There are the words “honey”, “baby”, “sweet”, “can’t wait to see you”.  They are repeated over and over again.  No, they never quite say it exactly but it is there - tenderness, caring and love.  So many times I didn't even have to start the conversation. So many mornings you were there with a message waiting for me.  And then the great change happens.  The change doesn’t even start subtly.  It is there as soon as the physical distance sets in.  At that point I put out the questions and no response ever comes.   Just a total and complete ignoring of my questions and words.  At that point I start to see that what I feel and who I am don’t matter.

The questions in my mind get worse – was it all imagined?  If there was always some one there in that other place, why did you attempt to care in the first place?  And the questions bounce around in my head and ring in the emptiness of my brain.  There will of course be no answers.  My reality is what is, and I will be let to stew in it while life goes on.  I am alone.  To be honest the being alone doesn't even hurt any more, it the fact that I asked and asked and asked.  I spelled it out so many times but you just won't say the words.  They were easy words to say, yet they never were said - for whatever reason I don't know.  Was it because it was hard for you to say the words and so I had to bear the hope and then the pain?  And so no words are ever said.  None.  It just fades away and instead of a warmth of remembering what was, there is nothing but cold silence and hurt.

Mainly there is just a ton of sadness in my heart.  But I do feel frustration too.  There was a time back in summer when everything was on the line – a fortune was at play.  I didn’t hesitate in my offer and you were ready to take me up on it.  In that time that you needed help I was ready to put it all on the line and have faith in you. Now that I ask for some faith in me to even have a conversation it can't be.  You have no faith in me because I made a mistake once and because of the words of someone who is mean and cruel.  It is like you are afraid of the words we might exchange - or is it because you are afraid of your feelings and you don't trust yourself to engage in that conversation.

Today will be a long hard struggle.  Once the clock strikes 5:00PM and my day job is done I’ll work overtime with my friend Mr. Sobieski to forget.  Now Mr. Sobieski doesn’t launch a thousand ships with his beauty, but he does an effective job of helping me forget for the time being.

So for now I’ll try and put the paint of normalcy back on my face.  I’ll think with great promise about that thing that I am going to do in 11 days.  Not quite sure if I can do it alone, but I guess I will have to.  I thought you would be there when I did this.  But I realize I will likely face this alone. 

I just wish you would have answered the questions.  They were put out there so many times and just left hanging.  I really don't understand it, because now there is a lot of heart ache and frustration.  Maybe I am being too analytical.  Time will tell I guess - perhaps I will yet hear from you again.  Perhaps not!

I look again at what could have been and realize that it’s going to be a long time before the optimism of what I wrote about yesterday can really take hold. It's going to be one day at a time I guess.

Have a great day everyone! ~ J.


Johanna said...

At the risk of sounding like I'm preaching, I am going to say...it's in these kinds of times that I really count on God. There is a verse in the Bible that I try to live by... and I don't always do so well with it, because I tend to worry and have anxiety.

But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.
Matthew 6:33

"These things" speaks of food and clothing, but I like to think of it in a broader sense - where you will live, who you will love, etc. And so if I put God first, then he takes care of the rest, bringing into my life what I need. Since trying this, I am having more peace and have seen him doing his part.

We're still praying for you and hoping things get better for you :)

Me, My Life and I said...

Smile. I am thinking of you. I wish you well.

Jerry Kromer said...

Hey Johanna - thanks for you comment! I know you have been reading my blog for a bit but not that long. My views on religion are complicated to say the least, but I always appreciate what those who truly believe in their religion have to say.

I see wisdom in the verse you have chosen. But in some ways that is what everything comes down to for me. You see "those things" in my life were all set and established - I was living a very happy life with my family. And then the key element of "those things" - my wife was taken from me long before her time should have come. And for the last 3.5 years I have been struggling to understand what "these things" should be for me in light of my new life. If I had that strength of belief in God maybe it would be easier for me. I definitely suppose it would be, but I don't have that belief and I don't think I ever will.

Thank you so much for your comment! It is really appreciated in both the content and the intent! Thanks so much - Jerry

Jerry Kromer said...

Johanna - Sorry I didn't clearly finish a thought in my previous comment. I said you have been reading my blog for a while but not that long. The reason I have said this is because it has been a while since I talked about my religious beliefs. The more I think about I might not have ever talked about my religious beliefs in this blog. I think it was only on my late wife's Caringbridge site that I talked about religion.

Elasti-Girl said...

I'm sure I'm not the only one emphatically shaking my head has you describe the anxiety you woke up to; while it is not for the same reason, I'm all too familiar with that gripping fear & racing mind. I don't have anything helpeful to say, but just another understanding nod.
I think you're right, about it taking strength to have belief. It is not always easy if you truly believe in what you believe- as you will be tested. On the other hand, having belief is worth it, because it give assurance and strength in return. I have a different interpretation of the passage that Johanna chose (if you'd care to know), Seeking First the Kingdom of God & His righteousness is also putting a mirror in front of faces and talking to God about what we see. He cares what you think about what you see- I believe that, and if we don't like what we see He wants nothing more than the relationship with us that is close enough to allow Him to help us become who we want to be. That's just my two pennies worth.
Peace to you Jerry. :)