I awake in the pitch blackness of night, the sudden jolt of a thought wrenching me from the soundness of sleep into the panic filled world of consciousness. The bedclothes hang on my sweat drenched body as my heart continues to heave with the feeling of panic, despair and sadness.
Like a cigarette addict I reach along my nightstand for something to try and calm me and to hold back the terror that fills my thoughts. Instead of the tobacco sticks of death I find my phone and look at the time. Still very early - 4:38AM but the worst thing is the screen of the phone is blank. No one is there. No one has cared enough to leave even a simple message of greeting. How long has it been since the phone made a sound – a day, a week – I don’t know. A single tear runs down from my left eye and stains my face as I put my phone down and let the darkness embrace me again.
There won’t be any more sleep tonight. Whether it is the steroids I am taking for my back or the horrors of the continuous loneliness I try and drift back asleep among the sweat covered ruins of my bed. But it isn’t going to happen.
So I do what I have done for the last two weeks when the anticipation and optimism go away. I pick the phone up and I read all the messages. They go back almost two months. For the first month they are filled with promise. They are filled with words of tenderness and love. There are the words “honey”, “baby”, “sweet”, “can’t wait to see you”. They are repeated over and over again. No, they never quite say it exactly but it is there - tenderness, caring and love. So many times I didn't even have to start the conversation. So many mornings you were there with a message waiting for me. And then the great change happens. The change doesn’t even start subtly. It is there as soon as the physical distance sets in. At that point I put out the questions and no response ever comes. Just a total and complete ignoring of my questions and words. At that point I start to see that what I feel and who I am don’t matter.
The questions in my mind get worse – was it all imagined? If there was always some one there in that other place, why did you attempt to care in the first place? And the questions bounce around in my head and ring in the emptiness of my brain. There will of course be no answers. My reality is what is, and I will be let to stew in it while life goes on. I am alone. To be honest the being alone doesn't even hurt any more, it the fact that I asked and asked and asked. I spelled it out so many times but you just won't say the words. They were easy words to say, yet they never were said - for whatever reason I don't know. Was it because it was hard for you to say the words and so I had to bear the hope and then the pain? And so no words are ever said. None. It just fades away and instead of a warmth of remembering what was, there is nothing but cold silence and hurt.
Mainly there is just a ton of sadness in my heart. But I do feel frustration too. There was a time back in summer when everything was on the line – a fortune was at play. I didn’t hesitate in my offer and you were ready to take me up on it. In that time that you needed help I was ready to put it all on the line and have faith in you. Now that I ask for some faith in me to even have a conversation it can't be. You have no faith in me because I made a mistake once and because of the words of someone who is mean and cruel. It is like you are afraid of the words we might exchange - or is it because you are afraid of your feelings and you don't trust yourself to engage in that conversation.
Today will be a long hard struggle. Once the clock strikes 5:00PM and my day job is done I’ll work overtime with my friend Mr. Sobieski to forget. Now Mr. Sobieski doesn’t launch a thousand ships with his beauty, but he does an effective job of helping me forget for the time being.
So for now I’ll try and put the paint of normalcy back on my face. I’ll think with great promise about that thing that I am going to do in 11 days. Not quite sure if I can do it alone, but I guess I will have to. I thought you would be there when I did this. But I realize I will likely face this alone.
I just wish you would have answered the questions. They were put out there so many times and just left hanging. I really don't understand it, because now there is a lot of heart ache and frustration. Maybe I am being too analytical. Time will tell I guess - perhaps I will yet hear from you again. Perhaps not!
I look again at what could have been and realize that it’s going to be a long time before the optimism of what I wrote about yesterday can really take hold. It's going to be one day at a time I guess.
Have a great day everyone! ~ J.