Regret

Many of you who read this blog know the story so I am not going to go into details.  But in the last 12 months I have had literally dozens of new followers so I wanted to offer this brief explanation.

Three years ago this summer my wife Patty died.  In past years I have noted her death by one simple post.  This years there have been lots of thoughts going through my mind about Patty and all that has happened since she died.  So I have decided to write several blog entries about her and all that happened during those horrible days of July 4 - July 14th.  For those who don't know the detailed story you can check out Patty's Caringbridge Site for a complete telling of the story.  That address is: http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/pattykromer.

Today's blog entry and several more over the next 2 weeks is dedicated to Patty and her memory.

Back in the day New Order was the one and only musical group for me.  I loved anything and everything that had to do with New Order.  Back in 1987 I actually got to see them in concert at the Pittsburgh Civic Arena.  It was the highlight of the summer!

So I have embedded this song on my blog for two reasons.  The first is simply because it is New Order and it was something that Patty and I shared together.  We loved New Order and other artists of the 1980 and would listen to this kind of music for our entire marriage.  (I can't totally remember but I think we used a New Order song for the first song at our wedding reception.  Not because it was real classy or anything, but simply because it represented us.)  Anyway - I wanted to post this today as we are entering that period of the year - from July 1 to July 14 when Patty was in the final battle for her life.  Three years have passed since those days but I remember them like the were yesterday.  So I am putting this song up on the blog for her.

The second reason that I put "Regret" on the blog was a question that Allen asked me when he visited 2 weeks ago.  From June 21 - June 28, 2008 I took part in Bicycle Tour Colorado with Allen.  It was a time in which Patty looked to be pretty stable and it was the first respite I had from being Patty's care taker in almost 2 years.  I could do the bike trip and not have to worry about anything for a week as I had others looking out for things for me.  Of course I didn't know at the time Patty only had 3 weeks left to live.

Allen asked me if I regretted or felt guilty because I was gone for the entire week only a short time before Patty died.  I answered him with a distinct "NO".  To this day there is only one thing I regret or feel guilt about concerning Patty's illness and death and that is because I didn't question the decision to have a bone marrow transplant hard enough.  Had Patty not had that transplant there are 50/50 odds she would still be alive.  That is a hard thing for me to think through.  At one point in December 2006, Patty was wavering on whether or not to go ahead with the transplant.  We talked about it for a long, long time but my general response was "The doctors are telling you that you need to this transplant to be cured.  I think you have to go ahead with it because they have the best set of knowledge and really know what needs to be done."  Oh my - if only I could have toned down those words a little bit.  If only.....  If only....   But I didn't and as a result it is something that I regret to this day!

I hope everyone has a great safe and fun weekend ahead!