Report Card Day at Last!

It seems like it has been months in the making (well I guess it has) but Zack finally got his first report card of 6th Grade today.  I am very pleased with the grades he got through there is still room for improvement.

In the end run Zack got 4 A's, 2 B's and 1 C.  The C is the very frustrating grade as he got it in Gym - yeah PE.  Had he just shown up and participated the way he should have he would have gotten an A.  Oh well - there is lots to be learned from the first trimester of middle school.  Overall his GPA was a 3.4 which I don't think is too shabby.  It gives him lots of room to grow and improve in the second trimester.

Given the way this trimester started out, he did a great job coming back from some bad grades and doing an excellent job. After the first month of school he had 2 F's 1 D, 2 B's and 2 A's.  I really had to work with him to teach him some of the basics of how to study, so I am very proud of the progress he made.

I will make sure he gets something special this weekend for the effort he put.  It might be a video game or might be as simple as taking him out to see a movie.

Another Friday night and not much going on.  I am sitting here in the kitchen typing, Nancy is in her room and Zack is up playing in the computer room.  Tomorrow will probably be the busiest day of the weekend as I have my 8:30AM Team-in-training session at the Nazarene Church off of Hampden.  Cole is coming over for a good bit of the afternoon and evening.  Zack, Cole and I might go downtown to see the 9News Parade of lights - that should be fun.

We hope everyone has a great weekend!

Thanks and peace to all! ~J.

FYSRD

Trying to Work...

Today was the third day that I have gotten to take the new anti-depression meds that I started to take on Tuesday.  I will say they do see to be having an effect as I don’t seem to be as anxious as I was previously.  I always say – I can deal with depression but I can’t deal with anxiety, so thing are a little bit more bearable today with the anxiety being knocked down a bit.

I am doing at things for work trying to get a lot of things wrapped up as tomorrow is officially my last day on this project.  I have started to prepare some reports and documents for my new position but we will see how that goes per the discussion I mentioned in my post of yesterday.

I got our Christmas tree up yesterday.  I have a bit of re-wiring to do as one string of lights has burnt out.  But in comparison to past years that is not bad!

As I attempt to rebuild my life and recover from this depression I face such a horrible choice.  I will readily admit I like being in a relationship with a woman.  It has now been over 2 months since Shelly and I broke up.  I have not dated anyone or anything like that.  In many ways I want so badly to be in a relationship as I think it would make me feel so much better.  On the other hand – I just can’t do it!  Even though I know Shelly is never coming back to me, I am still deeply in love with her and I can’t get over her.

I have received many e-mails from loyal readers of my blog to forgive myself and move on.  I can forgive myself to some degree but to some degree I can’t.  I can’t because I love this woman so much and I screwed up so that I lost her.  So it is easy to say – forgive myself and move on, but it still hurts so badly that I can’t do it.  Maybe I won’t ever be able to move on – that is what I am starting to believe.  I have signed up for eHarmony and I get my matches and I read about them and I no interest.  Even if they request communication and I answer the questions, etc – I just have no interest.  All my interest remains with Shelly.

Oh well – I know much of these statements sound like whining and they perhaps are.  But as people always say – depression is a disease and I feel like I have to talk about this so that I can get through it.  I apologize if it is not a pleasant thing to read.

As for the leave of absence I discussed yesterday, I haven’t made any further progress in regard to that.  My new manager is going to be out of the country for most of next week so I think it will probably be until the following week I can have an in-depth conversation with her.

I managed to get in a very good 4 mile run today as I ran the entire perimeter of the Willow Creek neighborhood.  Our community is one square mile so each side is one mile long.  It felt good to get out and run and I have now run roughly 1/3 of how long the half marathon will be.  I can do this and I can succeed. 

Zack had a bit of a scare at school today.  They were playing a game in PE that involved the use of rackets.  He accidentally hit a kid in the head with a racket.  He didn’t get in any trouble or anything but with getting suspended back in October, he was very upset that this happened.  Once we talked about when he got home I managed to get him reassured.  (The gym teacher wasn’t even upset with him and used the phrase “accidents happen” but Zack was still very concerned he was going to get into trouble.)

Zack also continues his “biking” ways.  I have allowed him to change his routine after school since it is getting dark so early.  He can come home and ride his bike until 4:20PM before he has to start his home work.  Normally I always had him do his homework first.

Well that’s all for the day!

Thanks and peace to all! ~J.

FYSRD

A Big Decision in the Making...

Since the weekend I have been considering a big decision.  I have been considering taking a Leave of Absence from work for the next several months to get some things in my head straightened out.  I had the first discussion about this today with my direct line manager and we came to some preliminary agreement regarding it.

Given it is IBM I need to have several other conversations about this before anything is final, but as of now I do plan to move ahead with this decision.

Everything concerning this came to a head on Monday night.  I found myself in a very unhappy mental state.  It was so bad that I immediately made a doctor’s appointment for Tuesday as soon as the doctor’s office opened up.  (Let me be clear – I wasn’t thinking of killing myself.)  I just didn’t sleep for one second on Monday night/Tuesday morning.  I was in to see my doctor on Tuesday afternoon and she put me on a bunch more medication.  I am hoping that some of this starts to work.

My doctor thought the leave of absence idea would be very good for me.  She even indicated that I might quality for disability because of the severe nature of my symptoms (i.e. not sleeping for days on end, etc.).  I don’t think I will look into disability but instead just take the leave of absence option for the next several months.

As much time as I have spent talking to my psychologist, it isn’t helping.  Instead I really need the medication as my brain chemistry is severely messed up.  I think with some of the stuff my doc put me on it will help as it has already calmed down the “adrenaline dump” that seems to happen to my body several times a day.

Regardless, until I can get my mind worked through I am thinking the leave of absence is the best thing that I can do.  I figure if I keep trying to work while going through this hell I am eventually going to crash and burn and lose my job and potentially my sanity.

Yes – this is a difficult decision to make and in many ways it is selfish.  Much of what is going on in my head involves Shelly of course – other parts involve the death of Patty.  Shelly unfortunately doesn’t have the option to take a leave of absence for the hell she is going through as she runs her own company.  I wish she too had this kind of opportunity.

I have to realize too that I will never get Shelly back.  It’s not her fault – it’s my fault.  She deserves a man who is better than me.  Though I will remain devoted and in love with her, I know she will never re-enter my life.

Anyway – that is the latest for the day.

PS – Please remember I am in training for the LLS Team-in-Training.  Please going to my team-in-training website and make a contribution.  The web site address is: http://pages.teamintraining.org/rm/canyonld11/jkromer_LTN

Thanks and peace to all! ~J.

FYSRD