Taking a break today from the details of the wonderful trip we had to Yellowstone. The flow of the vacation has been interrupted by an event from this evening - we went to see Harry Potter 7.2. It wasn't our plan to go see the movie, it was suggested by my brother and sister-in-law. So Zack and I, along with Tim, Celinde and Cole went to see Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2 at The Meadows 12 this evening.
Seeing this movie was very bittersweet to me. Harry Potter had been one of Patty's favorite things in life. She must have read the books (with the exception of number 7) at least 20 times. She never had the opportunity to read number 7 because by the time it came out her eyesight had deteriorated to the point that she really couldn't read. Numerous attempts were made to read the book to her - even playing it for her on CD, but she never could really get into it. Before she died, I did tell her the end of the story, but I think by that time she was no longer aware of what was going on.
As I watched the movie tonight it brought a lot of feelings of mine into perspective. It made me realize that perhaps there isn't that much of a future for me. My future was always aligned with Patty's and now that she has been gone for 3 years I am starting to realize that starting a new future isn't that easy. Perhaps we only get one real chance at a good future with a partner and that is it. My chance was with Patty not with anyone else and so it is gone now.
I haven't let on to a lot of this, but there has been a ton of things happening in my personal life. However they haven't turned out in a positive way and so for most nights I find myself alone in my office working until late hours of the night. Yes - I do have my bottle of wine most nights that keeps things liveable, but nothing seems to occur of recent that connects me with people. Instead most activities seem to drive me away from people - especially the people who I thought cared about me.
All I can do at this point is give a big sigh and say "Oh well". Harry Potter in the end turned out OK though he went through a lot of pain - maybe the same can be said for me. I have strong doubts about that, but it is best to keep a stiff upper lip and move through life as best as you can.
On top of all that there is a very good chance that foreign travel is once again in my future. My boss has lined up a number of overseas projects that she wishes me for to take part in. The first is in Brazil and work is currently underway for me to get my Brazilian work visa. This is obviously not the most happy of events for me, but sometimes you have to do what the job requires.
Sometimes life changes in ways that you never expect and you realize that life will never be the same again. It is surely one of those times for me!
We hope everyone is having a great week so far and is looking forward to the weekend. I know I am!
Thanks and peace to all! ~J.
Life is what you make of it. Be happy, love a lot and have ADVENTURES!
2 comments:
I came upon your blog by chance and read your post. I don't know exactly what to say but I feel you deserve a response to this.
I can't imagine the pain you go through, as well as what your son is going through. I just wanted to ask you to have, if not faith so at least giving it the benefit of a doubt. Sharing love with another person makes you grow, grief also makes you grow. Allow yourself to mourn, but know that there will be an end to it. Maybe not now, maybe not in many years but eventually the pain will not be the only, or even the biggest element of your life.
It is heart warming to hear how you've commited to give your son the best possible life. I just had the thought here, that maybe one thing that would open up a new perspective would be to volunteer, to find something where you not only look for good experiences, but where you give to something outside of yourself, to find something that is more important than yourself. Of course, your son is that, but he can't be the only meaning in your life, that is a heavy burden to bear.
I'm sorry, I don't even know you, I don't have any right to tell you what to do. But, as I said, your words spoke to me, and I needed to respond
Wishing you well
/atma
May God bless you and your son.
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