What we do with our pain

Alright - I realize that I am in a place in life that isn't exactly normal.  It's not normal in anyway shape or form, but unfortunately it is where I am.  The place in life that I am seems pretty darn desperate to me.  It's a place in which I am searching, hoping, grasping at anything to hold onto to make sense of it all.

If you've read this blog for more than a month or so, if you heard the story.  Wife gets sick and dies and leaves me alone to raise a wonderful little boy who has been traumatized by seeing his mom gets sick and die.  I find love, but the love turns into a mess as I do stupid things and cheat on her.  I fight to get that love back and have it come back only to blow up because of things that I don't think either of us can really control.  So here I sit, alone, sad and feeling somewhat desperate.  Not desperate to the point of doing stupid things, but desperate to the point that I do what men always seem to do when they are hurting like crazy - find comfort in the worst place - a bottle.  So I take to drinking vodka by the liter.  It's probably not that crazy but I buy a 1.75 liter of vodka and I can drink my way through it in between 7 and 10 days.  Which probably isn't that bad, but of me - it's bad enough.  (I think it is not that bad because when I used to work in Poland for a couple of months back in 2005, I had a good friend by the name of Olek who would sit down and drink an entire BOTTLE of vodka in an evening.  And Olek used to do that most nights of the week!)

No I haven't reached the point that I am an alcoholic as I can stop and not drink anymore.  That is the one good thing about my family's genes - we don't have an addictive tendency the way others do.  Yes - we are totally and completely neurotic when it comes to anxiety but we don't get addicted to things.  I guess that is a huge blessing because if I were an addict I am sure I would be going places that I don't even what to image with the pain I am feeling.

Lots of you are probably asking - why the pain?  The pain exists because the person I love more than anything is no longer part of my life and in all likelihood never will be part of my life again.  What makes the situation even worse is that by writing about it, I am pushing others away who could be part of my life.  I know some of the people who read my blog religiously and I wonder if I stopped writing about "my love" if they would enter my life and take away that wound.  But I guess the fact is, though I really care about some of those people my love for whatever reason stays with Shelly.

I don't know all that motivates her, I don't know all that drives her, but she is forever in my heart and mind and I can't get her to leave.  Each second of everyday is painful as I wonder what she is doing, I wonder how she is feeling.  Does she miss me at all, or am I like road-kill tossed to the side of the road and forgot?  How I wish I had these answers but I don't.  And so since I don't have those answers I get through my work day and then as soon as the clock hits 5:00PM I start to drink - so that I can forget.

What is the solution to this problem?  I really can't say at this point.  I am a firm believer in love and the importance of love in any relationship.  I have that love for Shelly and despite where she is right now I am pretty dam sure that she shares that love for me.  If she would come out and say "I don't love you" and explain why her feelings have changed so drastically then I could understand the situation.  But she refuses to contact me - leaving me uncertain of all that she is thinking.  Agh...  When will I find peace?  When will I find happiness?

More than anything I want contentment and happiness and I want to be over this pain.  The question is how?  I don't want to rid my heart of my love for Shelly.  But given all that what can I do?  I am sure I sound like a big fat whiner.  But sometimes your feelings are important - loving someone is important.  In this case it is important.  More than anything I want Shelly to know that she is worth it.  I want her to know that despite the pain we have felt, despite all the difficult times - she is wanted by me just the way she is!

Is all this work and effort to try and bring Shelly back to me worth it?  Yeah - it is.  I don't care what anyone tells me - she is worth it.  And I can only hope someday, whether it is tomorrow or whether it is a year from now, she comes to understand this.  You're worth it Shell and you will always be worth it.

Moving on then....

My pain levels associated with my herniated disc are doing much better.  The pain in the small of my back is gone, however there is still a lot of pain associated with my left hip and the actual site of the incision.  My Physical Therapist Jenna tells me that is good progress as we are now actually working with the real issue as opposed to the secondary issue caused by the herniated disc.  So we are making progress which is good!

I am woefully behind on my Christmas shopping.  I know what I am getting people but I actually have to do all the shopping yet.  Thankfully almost all of it will be done over the web.  So I think tonight I am going to sit down and start pumping some of it out.  What will make this really easy and nice is I will have it sent directly to my brother's house in North Carolina where we will be for Christmas.  That way I won't have it shipped here and then have to pack it up myself and ship it there.

School is really starting to wind down for Zack.  He is having a lot of tests in most of his classes between now and the end of the week.  So he has been busy studying and getting everything ready for the tests.  He has some ground to make up on some of his grades, but I think he might actually come away with his best report card ever.  It would be very nice that is for sure!

Plans are really starting to come together for my trip to India.  We have the agenda all laid out and I know where I will be on most days.  I am definitely going to get to see some parts of India that I have never seen before as I will be flying into Delhi and flying out of Mumbai.  I have never been in those parts of the country before.  I am a little bit worried about how all of the travel will play out on my injured back as the flights to and from India are roughly 22 hours.  On the way to India I might leave a day early and layover in Frankfurt or Dubai.  I don't think I will do that on the way home as I will just want to get home at that point.  Additionally you normally have a 5 - 7 hour layover in Europe on the way home.  Just getting out of a plane for that long can make the rest of the journey OK.

Well - I guess that is it for a Wednesday.  I hope that everyone has had a great day!

Thanks and peace to all! J.