Only Me

I feel like my life has been stolen from me because of the issues with my back.  In the last several days my life has descended into a state of constant physical pain.  My entire rigght side from my hip to my toes has been enveloped in a mind-numbing pain.  It won't be so bad if it went away every so often, but this pain continues - eating through me and sending me into wave after wave of depression.

I had another MRI on Saturday and it showed a lot of scarring and wear and tear of my vertebrae, but there is no direct cause for the pain that is ripping through me.  There is no end to my frustration as everything I want to do is a pipe dream at this point.  If I stand up for more the 4 or 5 minutes the pain becomes so unbearable I have to sit down.  This is not the way I want to live.

Despite taking lots and lots of medication to stop the pain, it continues.  I am at the end of my rope in terms of what to do.  My neurosurgeon has ordered PT and has written a prescription for more pain medication.  I don't believe either of those is going to be the answer for me.  Regardless of that fact I will do both of them because I will try anything to make this all go away.

I feel relatively hopeless about this entire situation.  I wonder if there is something I did to bring all this pain and suffering upon myself.  I am just tired of it all.  This shit has gone on since I injured my leg in March of 2011.  I thought by June of 2011 it would be resolved.  But no - it is now April of 2012 and the pain continues.  What am absolute cluster.

The pain makes me feel like the life is being sucked out of me.  To some degree that is exactly what is happening.  My life consists of sitting at my kitchen table working, lying on my couch watching TV or sleeping.  My desire to go for a hike or a run is kept in check by the fact that once I stand on my feel the pain comes searing through me.

I do appreciate all the advice that my be offered to me.  But the hard core fact is that I have seen 2 neurosurgeons, 2 pain management doctors and my primary care doctor and no one has a really good plan to stop the pain.  So on Monday I will seek the opinion of yet another neurosurgeon.  I hope that he can bring some clarity to the situation.

Something that makes the situation worse is that I really have no one to talk to about all that is happening.  I think that is probably one of my biggest down falls in life.  What I mean by that is I have always kept my social circle small.  I relied heavily upon Patty to provide me the "social support" that I needed.  She was the same way as me.  She had a very small social circle and relied upon me.  Now that she is gone there is a huge gap in my life.  Yes - she has been gone for almost 4 years now so you would think that I would have developed a new social circle by now.  I had done that by having my relationship with Shelly.  But then that was destroyed.  I relied upon Shelly to give me the social and emotional validation that I needed and in the end run that burned me.

So here I sit - feeling like shit.  ((That rhymes if you caught it!  :-)  That made me chuckle to write that!)  What I mean is, so here I sit without much of chance of doing anything.  I can't really go out and hang out at the bars anymore because I can't stand for more than 4 or 5 minutes.  I can't really put myself into the dating pool for the same reason.  I can't even do my favorite activity of going for a hike or just a walk through my neighborhood. So I sit at home alone staring out our back window or at the TV.  Most of the time I just sit on the couch with the TV on mute and stare into the distance cursing whoever or whatever has put me on this path in life.

In times like this drastic change is often needed.  One of the reasons that I am spending huge amounts of money to have my kitchen re-done, is so that I could make that change happen.  Once the kitchen and family room are redone I could put this house on the market in a minute and just be gone from my current life.  I literally could pick up and move somewhere else and leave all the memories of the bad things that have happened in the rear view window of my life.  But....  As much as I wish that I know I really can't do it.  For the next 5 years I need to follow the basic direction that I am on because I need to make sure that I properly launch Zack into his own life.   I need to see him successfully through middle school and high school.  Once those activities are done he needs to take full ownership for his life and fly off on his own to his destiny. 

I hope no one takes my post as something it isn't.  This is just a statement of what my life is at this very second.  Basically my life sucks right now.  But I will soldier on.  I will deal with the physical pain I feel.  I will eventually put all the emotional baggage behind me.  Even if I have to do it with a social circle of 1 person I will push through this.  Yes - I am very weary and tired in spirit, but I haven't made it this far in life without fighting and battling like there is no tomorrow.  I will eventually succeed and put all this physical and emotional pain behind me.  I am strong and I can do anything - and I do mean anything.

When Patty was sick and in the hospital I definitely learned the lesson that I could anything.  Yes - I could raise Zack and look after Patty's well being at the same time.  I don't even want to think of all the things I did to help her when nurses weren't available.  You never think you will have to do those sort of things with your spouse but the reality is - unless you sudden drop dead of a heart attack or stroke, somebody is eventually going to have to wipe your butt as you fight through the final stages of life.  It's not pretty, it's not fun, but it is part of life.  And my participation in Patty's end of life taught me I am strong and I really can do anything.

And so I will suffer through my physical pain.  Eventually I will get it resolved - even if they have to cut off my leg to stop it from hurting - I will get it resolved.  As for the mental/emotional situation, all I can is "oh well".  I will at some point get back to dating and I will find the person who has it all.

And with that last thought I bid you all a good night!

Thanks and peace to all! ~J.