My Life Revolution

I believe in the goodness of people and of life.

2012-02-16T22:54:00.000-07:00

It has been a long day that started over 1000 miles away from where the day is ending for me. So I am tired. I am tired physically but I also feel an extreme mental and emotional weariness.

I had more conversations today that I have had in a long time. Yes some of that was driven by the fact that I met and entirely new delivery team at my company's delivery center in Daleville, IN. Additionally, I spent over 4 hours in Indianapolis airport waiting on my delayed fight.

Whe you wait for a delayed flight you tend to have lots of conversations - either with the other people who are also stranded. Or you spend time whiling away the hours talking to your friends on your cell phone - which I did a lot of that.

What did I learn from all this talking today? I had a reaffirmation of some of my deepest held beliefs. Those beliefs are that people are good and life is good. I am not going to explain why I was feeling this, all I want to do is reiterate the point. Life is good! People are good! That's it!

Hope everyone has a great weekend ahead.

Thanks and peace to all ~ J.

Memo To the Powers That Be

2012-02-15T20:46:00.000-07:00

Please note: Today’s blog post is written entire in jest. I do not believe in a superior being who determines our fate. My personal spiritual system believes in a benign creator who takes no active role in our lives nor does he care about us personally. I know that might be a controversial view but it’s just what I believe. Of course when I am scared out of my wits that I am going to get killed or I need something to happen really badly I am know to mutter a “prayer” or two under my breath.

**********************************************************************************

MEMO

From: Jerry Kromer

To: The Powers That Be

Subject: Knock off all the Bad Stuff

You! Yeah you! Yes you! God, Allah, Buddha, Jupiter, Apollo, Jehovah, The Force, Ahura Mazda, Yahweh – whatever you want to call your (selves). You superior being(s) who control our fate – that’s who I am talking to!

I am tired of you messing with me. It’s time for you to go and pick on someone else for a change. I think the all the challenges, stress and strain you have put me through has been overdone and now it is time to let me have some good luck.

Yes that’s right you big superior snotty being, I want to have some good luck. How about you let me win the next Powerball lottery that goes above $200 million? Or how about letting me have the girl in my life that I really want? Or at least let my kid get over the anxiety stuff. There’s plenty of good luck things that you could grant me – how about it?

If you feel that I am over reaching by any one of those requests I will even settle for less. I will settle for just no more challenges or stress. For example – let’s just look at yesterday and see what kind of challenges I had. First I wake up groaning in pain because my back hurts so much. Second, my eight year old chocolate lab manages to get his big mouth on a box of cookie dough pop tarts. The fact that Lex ate 6 cookie dough pop tarts really isn’t a big deal when he eats them at 7:00AM, however it became a really big deal at 2:00AM this morning when he is whining and whimpering to go outside and do his duty because his tummy hurts from eating all that stuff. The third thing was a stroke of genius for you boneheads. You had me go to the hospital, get an MRI and then find out I have to have more surgery on my back. That was really good. One of you supreme beings must be a real jokester because you really left me laughing at that one. Then just to make sure there is a topper to them all, you made sure Nancy couldn’t fully pull her car into the driveway so it’s back end is in a perfect spot for me to hit it with the Explorer when I am pulling out of the driveway. I liked the last one, as it was a really good one. That one keep me laugh so hard I ended up crying into my dinner. You guys sure know how to work a crowd.

So big guys in the sky – what ever flavor of religion you truly are how about lying off of me for a little bit and just letting things go my way? What do you say? If you want I’ll go find a chicken somewhere and sacrifice it to you – is that a good enough payment to get all these challenges to end? I am sure you will have no problem finding another poor schlep like me to torture with some really good challenges!

Sincerely,

Jerry

Which God is yours?

That was just a little bit of humor to highlight what a great day yesterday was. Today has definitely been a little bit better. The only challenge I have had all day is that my flight to Indianapolis is running about 1.5 hours late. .

This trip to Indianapolis will be really quick and straightforward. The meetings tomorrow are with our service delivery team for a client. The purpose of the meetings is to do an operational review of our work for this client and see where new processes and systems are needed.

I am meeting my boss at the Indianapolis airport. We are then getting a car and driving to the work site which is about 70 miles away. Hopefully this will be a good visit with the project team. By this time tomorrow night I will already be on my way home.

It will be interesting to see how Zack does this evening. Often when I am not around he will give whoever is there with him a very hard time. In some ways he doesn't mean to, but in other ways I think he knows that he can take advantage of someone else. Nancy is staying with Zack while I am gone. She came over to the house on Tuesday because she was afraid it was going to snow today.

Since Nancy moved to Cranbrook I think we have done this kind of arrangement about 4 or 5 times. If I am going some where in which I am going to be getting home really late, instead of getting some one else to stay with Zack, Nancy will volunteer to do it. She seems to enjoy coming and staying with Zack. The move to Cranbrook has made her appreciate the time she spends with Zack that much more. Whereas before she moved, she got to see him every day. So she never really total advantage of the time to really spend time with Zack and understand him. She is doing a lot more of spending quality time with Zack. So that is very good.

Oh - I got to meet my boss for the first time this evening. I am writing from this paragraphy onward in the hotel once we reached here this evening. I have spent enough time over the last year talking with my boss on the phone that I really wasn't surprise by how she looked. I had seen one picture of her before on my company's Intranet, so that helped me not to be surprised.

I suppose I should wrap things up for the evening. I am tired from my traveling and right now I am kind of out of it because I took my pain pills just a little while ago. There is one big downside to the pain pills - they make you itchy. Of times they make my nose very itchy which drives me insane!

Have a great night!

Thanks and peace to all! ~J.

Keep It Positive

2012-02-14T20:01:00.000-07:00

Sometimes when I have something on my mind that is important or close to me, I will write a blog entry and then never post it. I tend to use the blog like a diary and write about what ever is on my mind - but it doesn't mean I post it all the time. That is exactly what I have been doing the last several days. I wanted to get my thoughts down "on paper" if you will, but I didn't feel like having everyone read them. A secret of mine is that I usually go back and then publish those entries several days or weeks later. Those posts publish out onto the web with the date and time I originally wrote them instead of the current date and time. You can choose different settings for how the blog entries post to the web. My default is to publish the article with the date and time I wrote it as opposed to the time it posted. Given that Blogger.Com stores everything by chronological order the posts I add that way look like they were published a long time ago. There might be all kinds of things that I have written and people don't know about..... I might have some pretty interesting secrets out there. :-)

All fooling around aside, I did write a bunch of stuff over the last 5 days and I just haven't published it. My mind has been in non-stop action but most of what I have written has been stuff that I keep pretty close to the vest. Maybe I will publish it, but not this week.

My blog title speaks to an important goal that I must meet. I normally don't have any problems keeping things positive, but this week my resolve and my general upbeat demeanor is tending to break down a little bit. The major reason for me having to work at keeping it positive is the situation with my back injury. It has now been 2 weeks since I had the surgery on my back and the outcomes my surgeon and I sought from the surgery have not been achieved. The key outcome that was sought from this surgery was the elimination of the "radiating" pain that originates between my L4 and L5 vertebrae and then travels through my left gluteus maximus and gluteus medius (my butt) muscles, into my left thigh, through my knee and goes into my left calf. The elimination of this pain is important because the pain is debilitating and prevents me from living the type of life that I want as it makes it almost impossible to walk and move. The only way I can manage the pain is through the use of extensive amounts of Advil and the pain killer oxycodone. I really don't want to be on either of these medications for any kind of duration.

Today was the 2 week follow up appointment with my surgeon. So that he could understand what was going on, I first had an MRI. I arrived at Littleton hospital shortly before noon so that I could be processed and have my MRI. I know some people have a hard time with MRI's because it is somewhat of a claustrophobic setting. You have to enter a tube that is only slightly bigger than your body and then you have to lay there for between 20 and 30 minutes while images are taken of the desired parts of your body. The output of MRI's is really cool looking as the doctors can see just about everything that makes up your body. It helps them see all kinds of detail that otherwise they could only see by cutting into you.

As soon as I was completed with my MRI, I headed over to the surgeon's office for my appointment. The first step in the appointment was to talk with the surgeon's assistant or secretary. (She's not a medical assistant, she just takes notes and does his scheduling.) She wrote up notes about how much pain I was in, how the incision had healed, etc. I could tell from reading her body language that she didn't like hearing what I was telling her. After that assistant, the surgeon's nurse practitioner came in to talk to me as the surgeon was busy with another patient. I described everything to her about how I had at first felt relief from the pain and then how it came back early last week. She presented everything I knew from the previous conversations and then she got to the kicker - the findings from the MRI I had just before arriving at their office. The news from the MRI certainly wasn't good - it was down right disturbing, upsetting, infuriating and unbelievable. This MRI in comparison to the MRI I had done immediately after my surgery showed that the herniated disc had reoccurred. Basically this last MRI looked like the surgery had never taken place. When I heard that my jaw pretty much hit the floor.

The odds of having a "recurrent" herniated disc are only five percent. The odds of having a "recurrent" herniated disc within 2 weeks of surgery are unbelievably low - but that is exactly what happened to me. There is no known rhyme or reason as to why this has happened to me again and in such a short amount of time. Regardless of the odds it has happened to me and now I have to deal with the ramifications from this second herniated disc.

After I had talked to the nurse practitioner for a while, the surgeon came in and gave me a few more details about what the MRI had shown. Then the conversation switched to "what are we going to do about this". There are basically 3 different paths that I can follow to resolve this problem. The first path is to do nothing and just deal with the pain through medication and tolerance of the pain. The second path is to do a variation of the surgery I had 2 weeks ago. The third and last path is the most radical and invasive option - it would involve surgically stabilizing the juncture of my two vertebrae with steel rods and screws.

The question becomes what am I going to do? The first path of just meds and living with the pain isn't going to work. The lifestyle that I choose to live is full of activity and doing lots and lots of things. The ongoing pain or pain pills that I would have to take is something that I just do not want to bear. So this option is not even a real choice for me. The third path just seems way to invasive and risky to me. This option is what is normally referred to as "fusing" the vertebrae. This procedure adds a tremendous amount of stability to the effected area and ensures that you do not have to deal with a herniated disc in that exact place. However, there is a twenty percent chance that at some point you will have to deal with another herniated disc at one of the anchor points. In the end run, this solves your problem for a time but in the long run you might be dealing with bigger problems. That leaves option two which is a variation of the procedure I had done two weeks ago. This procedure is called a laminectomy. If you want to read more about what a laminectomy is here is a link to a Wikipedia article about it. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Laminectomy In this situation the surgeon will do a lot more than just take out the portion of the disc that has herniated. Instead he will take out a much larger portion of the disc and more of the vertebrae itself. Supposedly this will give the disc more room to expand without herniating.

To cap everything off, the surgeon wants to do this surgery as soon as possible. His viewpoint is that the incision from the last surgery hasn't totally healed and the area hasn't formed any scar tissue yet. If he operates before scar tissue forms then the surgery will be easier and he will have an easier time maneuvering around the vertebrae. Based upon what I know of his schedule - he only operates on Mondays and Wednesdays, I think it will be at least until next Wednesday for Surgery Take II.

I am definitely not feeling happy with all of this. I am just tired of living with the pain and all the complications that have occurred from this injury. Unfortunately this is currently my lot in life. And so I have to make the best of it that I can. There is no use in getting all down on my luck and feeling sad and depressed. It will take work to avoid feeling that way, but it is something that I really have to do. No one else is going to help me be happy. So I need to do it all myself.

It's been 5 days since I have posted and to be honest there hasn't been a whole heck of a lot going on. Obviously the issue with my back has been the primary concern for me. Last Friday we went to see the Cirque du Soleil show Dralion at the 1stBank Center in Broomfield. That was a very enjoyable time! The rest of the weekend was about working and getting things done.

Though today is Valentine's Day I don't have any social plans. I could have if I wanted to as a female friend of mine wanted me to go out, but I made the decision not to partake in Valentine's Day. My heart definitely wasn't into it. And then the real kick in the pants was getting the news from the surgeon. As I have sat here and thought about it throughout the evening, I have grown more depressed about the situation. Oh well - I guess time to put on my big boy pants and deal with it.

Tomorrow I head out of town for the next two days. I am flying to Indianapolis and then I am meeting up with my boss and driving another 70 miles to a small town called Daleville. Thursday is filled with business meetings all day and then a late evening flight back to Denver. I am hoping this will be a good visit with our client as I feel I will be doing this trip quite a few times in the coming months. Zack will be staying here at home and Nancy will be coming over from Cranbrook to spend the time with him.

So what to say to all of this? More than anything right now I want to two things. The first is I want to be free of this pain. The second thing I want is just to be happy. I think just maybe it is time for these two things to come true.

Hope you all are having a great week so far.

Thanks and peace to all! ~ J.

Ten Years Later - We Still Miss You Dad

2012-02-09T19:24:00.003-07:00

As we journey through life we build up anniversaries of things that have happened to us or affected us. For me, I seem to remember anniversaries of just about everything because I am very good with remembering dates. If you were to give me a date I can pretty much tell you what I was doing on that day. I am not 100% accurate or precise, but I have a high-level idea of where I was (which is a big deal since I used to travel so much for work), what kind of work I was doing for my company and what was going on in the lives of Patty and Zack. In general, I just have a thing for remembering what happened on what date - it is weird but it is who I am.

I mention the topics of anniversaries because today is one of those anniversaries. Today is the 10th anniversary of my father's death. He died early in the morning of February 9, 2002. Unlike when my Mom died I was not there with my father when he passed away.

My Dad was eighty-six when he died. Because of his age and issues with his heart, he was on the blood thinner Warfarin. Additionally, he had other issues that made him susceptible to gastrointestinal bleeding. Sometime during the day of January 15, 2002 he started to have some GI bleeding from his stomach. Since he was on the blood thinner, this meant it would be very difficult for the bleeding to stop without some kind of medical intervention. So he went to the hospital to be treated for this issue.

To stop the bleeding he had to undergo a GI procedure that would allow a surgeon to go in and cauterize the area of this stomach that was bleeding. The procedure was pretty much an endoscopy except with an instrument that would allow the surgeon to stop the bleeding. One of the stated risks associated with a procedure like that is that the patient's stomach could be punctured. As the procedure was ending and the surgeon was withdrawing the instrument, that is exactly what happened - he punctured my father's stomach. This is a bad thing to have happen even if you are young and health. If you are old and not in good health this is pretty much a catastrophe. Once this happened, the surgeon had no choice but to cut my Dad open and fix the puncture he made. To a large degree however the damage was already done because of all the trauma that had occurred and the fact that my father's abdominal cavity had been infected with content from his GI tract. All-in-all, it was a really, really bad thing to have happen.

Despite all of that, my Dad managed to hang on for another 24 days. He was in the ICU for that entire time but he showed a lot of strength and determination to make it through this horrible situation. I don't remember if he was kept in an induced coma or whether he just never regained consciousness after the surgery. Regardless he was not awake at all during this time.

When all of this went down I was working for a client in California. So instead of flying home to Denver for the weekend, I took off a day earlier and flew to Pennsylvania to be there with the rest of my family. As the next week approached I made arrangements so that I could be in Pennsylvania for a longer period of time. That Sunday I flew back to California and arranged things with work so that I could leave mid-week, fly to Denver and then get Patty, Zack and the dogs and drive to Pennsylvania as I had no idea how long the situation was going to go. On top of that Patty and I had been talking that she wanted to spend a good chunk of time in Pittsburgh visiting with her parents. So it made for a good situation - by driving our car out there Patty would have our car and it also allowed up to take our dogs with us.

Then after spending 3+ straight weeks away from home I really needed to go to Denver for a weekend and check on the house and make sure everything was alright. So the weekend of February 9th I flew from San Jose to Denver and was going to spend the weekend around the house taking care of things. I had arrived home late on the evening of February 8th. When the phone rang the next morning around 6:30AM, I knew exactly what the phone call was about - my Dad had passed away a short time before. I wasn't there with him when he died. I do wish I could have been there with him as I think being with someone when they die is a very special thing for both the person leaving this world and for those who will go on in this world.

It has now been 10 years since he died - what should I say about my Dad? First I guess I should write just a little bit more about who he was. His name was Paul Frederick Kromer and he was born on May 1, 1915 in the small town of Aspinwall, Pennsylvania. Like many births at that time, he was born in his parents house. The doctor had been called for but my grandparents lived half way up a very steep hill and the doctor lived down along the river at the base of the hill. So by the time the doctor got there my Dad had already entered this world.

For the times my father's family was relatively well off. His father, Wilhelm Frederick Kromer has immigrated from Germany in 1903 for a job in Pittsburgh with the HK Porter Steam Locomotive Company. Over time my grandfather rose through the ranks to become the Chief Mechanical Engineer of the Company with the corresponding pay that went with a job like that. Even during the depression, my father's family did relatively well and didn't experience any significant downturn in their fortunes. After graduating from Aspinwall High School my Dad went onto to study (History - I believe) at the University of Pittsburgh. While there he played in the school's marching band and was a member of ROTC. At the conclusion of college he went on to study at the University of Iowa for a master's degree in Political Science. Somewhere along the line he was also called to active duty in the US Army as a Second Lieutenant. Fortunately for his family he didn't last long in the army as he was discharged due to a medical condition. They didn't have the technology for it then but in later years it was found that he had a hole in one of the chambers of his heart. This caused all kinds of issues for him throughout his life. But back in 1940 this medical issue kept him from being shipped off to the Philippines to be part of the American military force there. Had he gone to the Philippines in 1940 in all likelihood I won't exist as the vast majority of those soldiers who were part of that army task force were captured by the Japanese when the Philippines fell in early 1942. And we all know what happened to them - The Bataan Death March. So though I am sure it didn't feel good to my Dad to be discharged from the Army at that time of national crisis when all his buddies were serving it at least kept him alive.

(My Dad in his early years - most likely before high school.)

(My Dad's college graduation picture)

(My Dad at our home in Norvelt, Pennsylvania. He is holding my oldest brother Paul in this picture.)

(My Dad teaching one of his classes at Seton Hill College.)

(My Dad with my Mom - I think shortly after they met.)

(My Dad on his 80th birthday - May 1, 1995)

During the war he worked at variety of different jobs. He taught at this university or that university. When school wasn't in session he spent time working in the steel mills of Pittsburgh doing quality assurance on the steel and other metals that produced for the war effort. Before the end of the war he landed a full time teaching job at a little Catholic Women's College by the name of Seton Hill in Greensburg, Pennsylvania. Once he got that job, it was the job he held for the rest of his life until his retirement in 1981.

My Dad didn't marry until he was forty-one years old in 1956. My parents waited another 2 years until they had their first child - my oldest brother Paul. After that they had 3 more kids in the next 4 years. Then they waited until 4 years until I appeared on the scene in 1966.

I did love my father though there were plenty of times he which he and I strongly disagreed about things. In retrospect the things that we disagreed about are pretty darn silly now, but back then neither of us could see that it was silly. We both held our ground and of course this caused for some great amounts of hurt and pain to evolve between us. As the youngest in the family however, I think my relationship with my Dad was pretty good.

After my mom passed away in 1999 I tried to make it a habit to talk to him every day. Some days the conversations were difficult as he did have a little trouble remembering things and he could be cranky as all heck. Regardless I also think all those conversations were special. I used many of the conversations to come to understand about his life and the things he had done and accomplished. It is difficult to realize that he has been gone for 10 years now. I have a hard time comprehending that. I think the good thing about 10 years having passed is that my thoughts about my Dad are much more positive. The difficulties and arguments we had when I was a teenager and a twenty something are now long in the past. Instead of thinking of those things when I remember him, I now think about all the positive things I learned from him and all the good things that he did.

Even 10 years on you're still missed Dad. As I have aged since your passing I have come to appreciate many of the things that you taught me. I am glad you were my Dad.

It is hard to believe it is already Thursday! I can't believe how quickly the weeks are flying by. It seems like it was just yesterday that we were celebrating New Years and now one entire month of the new year is already complete and we are already 1/3 of the way through February!

As the days have passed since the surgery on my back the pain has been playing a game with me. There have been days like Saturday and Sunday in which there has been no pain. Unfortunately for the last 2 days I have had extensive amounts of pain. Unless I take the Advil and my pain pills every 3 - 4 hours I am feeling as much pain as I felt before the surgery. Bottom line is that this stinks. My next scheduled appointment with the surgeon is for next Tuesday so I am hoping to have some answers at that point. I talked his PA today and they are having me get another MRI on Tuesday before the appointment. My gut is telling me that I will have to undergo another round of surgery. I don't know if I have continued to bleed into the my spinal column or if there is still some piece of the disc that is floating around in there. Regardless if I have to undergo another round of surgery that will really stink!!

Zack has continued to amaze me and his teachers at school. It is like he is finally "getting it". Don't get me wrong he is by far not perfect, but the amount of improvement that he has experienced since he went on the new medication is pretty profound. We are still working on anxiety issues before school and right when he goes to bed, but it is as if all other anxiety has disappeared from him. He never ceases to amaze me - in a very positive way.

Today I had the first meeting with the designer who I have selected to design the kitchen. She came and did measurements of everything and we had a conversation about how I wanted the layout to look. The layout is going to be a radical departure from the way the kitchen currently looks. With this new layout, I think that the space will be better utilized and it will make for a great room in which to entertain and hang out. Getting this work done will really allow me so much flexibility in terms of what I want to do. The remodel will make the house look better and sell quicker if I go that route. Which is the route that I am thinking at this time - however I have to figure out the timing of that because I want Zack to be able to finish middle school at West. If I decide to stay in the house, it is going to make things so much nicer I can't begin to tell you! Based upon our discussions this afternoon, it looks like they will be able to begin demolition in early April.

A couple weeks ago I mentioned that I was starting to track from what countries this blog was read. As of today, people in 66 different countries have read the blog since the middle of January. Late last night I even got a hit from Vientiane. Any one care to guess what country Vientiane is the capital of? Ok - I won't keep you all in suspense. LOL! It is the capital of Laos. I mean there are some countries that are off the beaten track, but then there are countries like Laos. That is really off the beaten track!!! The Internet is truly global, but that is one country I won't have suspected to ever get a hit from.

Not much else going on in our world. Both Zack and I are looking forward to tomorrow (Friday) night as we are going to see the Cirque du Soleil show Dralion at the 1stBank Center in Broomfield. I absolutely love Cirque du Soleil shows. Two summers ago when my friend Ruben and I went to Las Vegas, I saw 4 of the 8 Cirque du Soleit shows that are performed in Las Vegas. (Ruben on the other hand saw all of them except for one! Yes - he is a Cirque fanatic!) So that will be great time for both Zack and me.

I thought I was done with this post when I spied a story on MSNBC. I just read that Beyonce and Jay-Z have filed paper work to trademark their baby's name. That makes me want to vomit. Let your child be a kid. Hell - let your child be a baby. Their daughter was only born 3 weeks ago and they are already thinking about trademarking their kid's name!! How can they do that? Are you so concerned about money that you need to trademark your kid's name??? Literally this makes me nauseated. Oh and by the way - what is the baby's name? Blue Ivy. Did they come up with that name so that they can create a line of kid's clothing called that? Pathetic!!

That's it for this Thursday evening! I hope everyone has had a great day and is looking forward to the weekend ahead.

Thanks and peace to all! ~J.

Stirring the Pot of Controversy

2012-02-08T20:54:00.000-07:00

As I started out the day, I had no plan to write a blog entry this evening. I had my mind set on writing a blog entry for tomorrow - February 9th, because it as anniversary of something important. Though I didn't plan on writing this post I decided to write it after glancing at MSNBC.Com late this afternoon and finding two very interesting articles about the same subject.

I really had to really think about whether or not to write this blog entry as the whole topic is somewhat controversial and puts a lot of my personal life out there under a microscope. But I don't care about that. I think it is an important enough subject to write about. And yes to my friends I can hear you all saying - "oh dear god, what is he going to write about now!" Really it isn't too bad, I am just going to write about sex - well, more specifically the lack thereof.

I decided to write about this today because the articles on MSNBC that I saw were about 2 two celebrities and the fact that they have been celibate for a long time. The celebrities are Courtney Cox and Tim Gunn. (If you have never heard of Tim Gunn - neither had I. He is a "mentor" on the Project Runway TV show.) Courtney Cox, in an interview with Howard Stern of all people said that she had been celibate since she and David Arquette broke up. The address for that article is:
http://todayentertainment.today.msnbc.msn.com/_news/2012/02/08/10355063-courteney-cox-ive-been-celibate-since-my-split

(Picture courtesy of Wikipedia Commons.)

I don't know how long Courtney and David have been broken up, but if my memory serves me correctly it has been awhile. So kudos to Courtney for standing up for something that she thinks is important.

In the second article Tim Gunn revealed that he has been celibate for 29 years. Yes, that is correct - 29 years! The article about Tim Cunn can be found at this address on MSNBC.
http://theclicker.today.msnbc.msn.com/_news/2012/01/24/10227618-tim-gunn-i-havent-had-sex-in-29-years

(Tim Gunn photo courtesy of Wikipedia Commons.)

They both had different reasons for their celibacy, but the key point was they were very happy with the approaches that they had taken regarding sex. In our over-sexed, highly glamorous society it is surprising to hear to voices from Hollywood say what they did. And what was refreshing about it was they weren't driven to their decisions by some kind of rabid religious thought process. I have a problem with reaching those same conclusions through a religious line of thought. My problem with that is that the people who choose that lifestyle are doing it because it has been dictated to them by their religious leaders as opposed to their own thought processes.

As I started thinking about these articles in the light of my current status in life, they put a lot of thoughts into my head. The first thing it made me think about was what was the longest I had gone without being with a woman and what was my motivation for doing that? I had to sit down and think about this one and I realized that the longest I had probably gone was when Patty was sick. After Patty was diagnosed sex really wasn't something that I thought about too much. Life at that point was just about survival. As I have told the story several times before on this blog I did finally give in to the desire - but if you want to read about that you have to go way back into the archives. I think I wrote about that back in October of 2010.

My motivations back then were driven a lot by just the need to survive. Sex wasn't something that was important for my survival nor was it going to help me be strong for Patty. So I didn't even need to think about that as a result. All I needed to think about back then was taking care of Patty as best I could, raising Zack and being there if Nancy needed me. But after I adjusted to the reality of what I was dealing with, my thoughts became a lot different and I let the weakness of my own being take over. That was pretty darn silly of me I will admit.

My thoughts then wandered to the question of how do so many people survive when they are in situations where it isn't possible to fulfill that desire. In particular I thought of all the soldiers that have spent year-after-year deployed to either Iraq or Afghanistan. What do they do? It is silly but in some ways it helps you put in perspective what the people who serve in the military are sacrificing. Heck, most of these guys and gals are in the army in the years when their peers are having the most sex and here they are out in the middle of god knows where not able to do anything with that desire.

All of this lead me to a thought of how lucky I have been throughout my life. Ever since I went to college at the age of 18 I have been so fortunate to have had wonderful loving women in my life as partners. In some ways it is kind of scary to think that pretty much there is an unbroken string of relationships I have had since September of 1984 when I started dating my college girlfriend. I have tended to date very few people but the people I dated, I dated for very long periods of time.

The really funny thing about this is what we think in our heads and how our imagination about being single is so very different than the reality. For example, at times when Patty was ill I imagined what it would be like to be single and I had all these thoughts that it would be one wild party after another. I imagined I would have so much fun going out and dating all these different woman. The reality is the exact opposite. There is nothing like being in a committed dedicated relationship. The being single part really sucks!

After the November end to my last relationship, I got into this mode that I thought I just had to be out there dating and trying to find another relationship. This lasted about 5 weeks before I realized how absolutely wrong that was. But I did what comes naturally in this day and age - I signed up for an online dating website - in this case Match.Com. Sure enough within a very short period of time I was out there cultivating relationships. I did go out with one woman several times before I realized that I just didn't want to get into another relationship. The woman who I went out with was very nice, very attractive and she was into me. It wasn't that I couldn't have been into her, it's just that I realized that it really wasn't the right time to start another relationship. I really needed to let my mind and my heart figure out where I wanted to go. So I am glad that I didn't get involved in any kind of intimacy as it just won't have been right for either of us.

So where am I going with all of this? I am going to the conclusion that runs counter to what every red blooded male is supposed to want. I am reaching the same conclusion that Courtney Cox and Tim Gunn have reached. Though I think that Tim Gunn has taken it a little too far - 29 years, that just seems extreme to me. The conclusion is it is better to be celibate and abstain from having sex than to entangle yourself in ways that become harmful to yourself. Just because you are single, it doesn't mean you have to be out there involving yourself in meaningless relationship after meaningless relationship. It is far better to wait and find the right relationship.

It's funny but I actually feel proud of myself for abstaining and not getting involved with someone. This is probably the first time in my life that I have done this but it feels good to know that I have had the strength to go without needing to do that.

Given that I didn't intend to write a blog entry at all today, I think that was a pretty profound and deeply thought out entry about a controversial subject. Yes - I am patting myself on the back. LOL!

The specifics of the day were pretty boring. This morning I woke to intense pain in my left hip and leg from my back. After I got off to school I had to take 4 Advils and a bunch of oxycodone to get the pain to settle down so that I could be productive for the day. By late this afternoon the pain was back so tomorrow morning I am calling the neurosurgeon's office and see what he wants me to do.

Zack had a great day at school today. I can't believe some of the changes I am seeing in him regarding his anxiety and taking responsibility for things. I hate to go on about it, because I am afraid that I will jinx the situation, but I am very proud of the accomplishments he is achieving.

Today was also cleaning lady day, so the house is all nice and clean. I felt bad for my cleaning lady Kathy as she was on her own today. Normally her daughter Kelli works with her, but today Kelli was home with sick kids so Kathy was on her own. It took her the best part of 8 hours to clean my house and my neighbors house. All I can say is Kathy works her butt off!!

Even though I am still struggling with the pain from my back, I am moving ahead with some of the big projects here at the house. Tomorrow I am having the kitchen designer who I am going to work with come in and take measurements. We are then going to start talking the design. Which means hopefully I can get with my friend who is the interior decorator to help me lay out some ideas about the style and colors that I should use in this remodel.

I think I have covered a lot of ground with this post tonight. As always thanks for reading and staying interested in the stuff I put out there.

Thanks and peace to all! ~J.

Avoiding the Meltdowns of Many Other Blogs

2012-02-07T19:10:00.000-07:00

It is hard to believe that I have been blogging for almost five years now. The first blog entry I wrote was on May 8, 2007. That entry was written on the Caringbridge web site that I had set up for Patty. At the time I knew nothing about blogging or social media. Caringbridge makes the process of blogging very easy. All that you really need to do is provide the updates about how your loved one is doing in their health battle. Over time I would eventually write 394 posts to the Caringbridge site. But after Patty's passing it didn't make sense to keep posting things to Caringbridge as the focus was no longer on Patty's illness and fight to survive. Instead the focus was now on how I would live my life without my spouse and how I would do raising Zack.

So on November 11, 2008 I decided upon a name and I launched the blog A Dad And His Boy on the Blogger website. Prior to coming up with this name I had experimented with several other names like - A Dad and His Boy Living the Life, A Dad and His Boy Hiking Through Life - all different kinds of names. In the end run they really don't matter that much because it is just a URL that you use. More importantly you can create a title for your blog. Right now I am on the 3rd title, which is "My Life Revolution". I don't remember what the other two titles had been.

Besides writing many blog entries I have also read tens of thousands of blog entries written by other bloggers. I am always looking to see what other bloggers are writing about and what they are thinking. Frequently you will see blogs come to a bitter end because of comments that are received from readers. Normally there is a sequence of events that begin with the blogger writing something with which at least one person disagrees. The reader will then leave a comment that is usually anonymous on the blog. At that point the blogger gets upset and does one of two things. They either do the "If you don't like my rules I am taking my ball and bat, going home and not playing any more". If they don't do that then they do the "I am angry at the world why would someone criticize me". Both of these responses usually achieve the same result, the blog comes to an ignoble end - either through the childlike, thin skinned behavior of the blogger, or the blogger acts like a crazy person and writes a horrible rant and drives all of his/her readers away. It is a very common pitfall of blogging and I have seen it play out more times than I can count in all the hundreds upon hundreds of blogs that I read.

This morning I had one of those moments. I got an anonymous comment sent to the blog that I found to be hurtful. It was hurtful in it's tone and the message it sent. Here are the contents of that comment: "Stop putting all the stuff about Shelley on here. Trust me, as a woman this is not working. It is probably just making her mad because she feels like it is a guilt trip. Even if she does not read your blog, I am sure someone tells her these things. You have told her how you feel and now it's time to leave it alone. Send an email to check in with her in a few months but that's it. If it was meant to be then she will be back. If not then you need to move on. While this sounds harsh I really am saying it for your own good."

What do I say to this. Not a lot I guess. There are many things about this comment with which I had a problem. But I am not going to go down that road and spell it all out as that will accomplish nothing since the comment was made anonymously.

Instead this is what I am going to say. I write what I write because it is what I feel. This blog is about the life that I live and feelings that I have in my heart. I do not write things in my blog to hurt, annoy, ridicule or belittle one specific person. (OK - I sometimes do satire about the news, current events or political situations and some of those posts might be seen to be annoying or ridiculing of some one - normally a bigwig politician, but no one who I know in personal life.) Outside of what I write in this blog, I have no other way of expressing my feelings about Shelly. I am not going to go into the details of expressing what lead to the end of our relationship or the things that were involved in the day-to-day life we shared - because that isn't anyone's business. But I choose to write about what I feel.

To me, Shelly is the one woman on this earth who I could see being with for the rest of my life. Right now though I no longer have any kind of contact with Shelly. I don't know where she lives, I don't know what she is doing in life, I don't know if she is dating some one. I literally know nothing about her and her life at this time. All I know is that I truly love Shelly and I ultimately believe in the power of love to heal any problem, correct any wrong and overcome any obstacle. Shelly is a phenomenal, beautiful, amazing, strong and intelligent woman. And with that I won't say more. Because I am sensitive to how my thoughts and words may come off to people I will continue to feel what I feel in my heart but I keep much more of that to myself. I can't commit that it won't slip out every once in a while when I have a particularly strong memory of her or when I think of something I really wish I were doing with her, but for the most part I won't talk about it. I will keep my feelings alive in my heart and maybe someday if the stars align correctly I will have the opportunity to have Shelly back in my life. I believe in love and I believe in having hope. And so that is what I will hope for and dream of. And in the immortal words of Forrest Gump "That's all I have to say about that".

One other comment coming out of that - if you are going to comment on what I write, have the courtesy to leave your name. Coming up with a harsh comment and then leaving it anonymously is unfair. I write this blog and put all my feelings and thoughts out there and you all know who I am, I think it is only fair if you are going to leave a comment you do so and attach your name to it. So no more anonymous comments please!

Otherwise today have been somewhat lackluster. This morning I had an appointment with the orthopedic surgeon who did the surgery on my leg back in October. Based upon her evaluation of my leg, the bone has healed very well and everything looks good. It was remarkable to look at the difference between the before X-rays taken back in September and the X-rays now. They are just so different and my fibula looks like a normal bone again - except for the fact that it has a ton of hardware in it! The pain in my back is continuing to come and go. Typically when I wake up in the morning it is hard for me to even walk. But as the day gets along the amount of pain decreases that things get better. I will re-start physical therapy next week to hopefully help me over the final hurdles of pain associated with this injury. I see my neurosurgeon again next Tuesday. I think he is probably going to order another MRI and then use that to make a determination if he has to go back in to clean up the hematoma that is in my spinal column.

This afternoon I put Zack and my nephew Cole to work clearing my driveway of the ton of snow that fell last week and yesterday/today. I paid Cole to help out and it was part of Zack's household chores. Since Zack is doing a lot better with his anxiety now that he is on the new meds I am pushing him hard to take the responsibilities he should as a 13 year old. He is getting no slack cut for him when it comes to things like doing chores, getting good grades, etc. He just needs to do it and there are no if, ands, or buts in this situation. He needs to work and work his ass off. It is really good to see him open his eyes and start to get some of these lessons. He isn't totally there quite yet, but everyday we get a step closer.

I also got my marching orders for work today. My return to traveling is happening next week. I am not 100% sure how my back is going to handle it, but I did clear it today with the neurosurgeon. Next week I am heading to Daleville, Indiana for a day's worth of meetings. At least I am not starting things off with a bang by having to do a huge international trip. Though I suspect that will come shortly. It is time to start making all the necessary plans for Zack. Traveling is never particularly fun, but it will be good to get fully back into the swing of things for work.

(No unfortunately I won't be flying an Icelandair plane next week. Instead it will be a plain ole United airplane to Indianapolis. Oh well!)

I feel exhausted having written this post tonight. So I am turning off my computer and going and laying down on the couch and just vegetating. Good night!

Thanks and peace to all! ~J. (Even if you write harsh comments and do so anonymously.)

More on Social Media and Valentines Day

2012-02-07T00:22:00.000-07:00

On January 22, I wrote a fairly lengthy post about Social Media. Since that time, I have done a bunch more reading about social media and the ever growing number of websites that are dedicated to it. As I have read more and more about social media the more I have come to realize that it is everywhere you turn. With the apps that we install on our smart phones to the online stores that we visit, more and more of our activity is being driving to and by social media.

I found it really took me a while to wrap my head around the idea. The Internet at it's most basic level is a network of computers that share information. What better task then is the Internet suited for than allowing people to network and share information. Since the launch of the Internet in the 1980's and it's growth through the 1990's the purpose of the Internet was focused on connecting all these disparate computing resources that until the Internet came along were computing islands. Once the basic infrastructure and rules of the Internet were established by the mid-1990's people began to use it in mass quantities. At first it was for basic things like e-mail and web surfing. Then increasing it became a means of conducting commerce - buying things, selling things, auctioning things, etc. Now as we enter the fourth decade of the Internet's existence we are finally getting to what may be the ultimate purpose of this monolith we have created - networking and connecting people in ways that have never been done or even thought of before.

In my last post about this, I spent much of my time talking about Facebook and what it was doing. After a lot of contemplation I realized that Facebook isn't the be-all and end-all of the social networking. Facebook is a lot like the Internet itself, in the fact that Facebook just set up the rules and infrastructure of how social media/social networking should work. Now that these rules, standards and infrastructure have been built there are going to be tons of social networking sites that proliferate to serve specific needs. Most of these sites are going to be built upon the common infrastructure that Facebook has established. The few sites that forgo the use of the Facebook standards will quickly find themselves bypassed and left in the dust because they won't have commonality with the rest of the social networking world. As a comparison it is as if some computer networks still ran on token ring infrastructure and refused to adapt to technology that would allow for the use of IP addresses. Those networks and the computers within them would quickly no longer have a user base, because those computers couldn't communicate with the rest of the Internet and hence the world.

It will be the same with social networking sites, those sites that don't use the infrastructure established by Facebook will in most cases go the way of the doo-doo bird. There might be a few sites that can buck the trend and use their own infrastructure, but these social networking sites will have a unique purpose and reason to exist.

When you starting thinking of what Mark Zuckerberg has imagined, planned and created it is truly amazing. He has created a platform by which much of what the entire human population does on the Internet will run through. It is mind boggling. The shear numbers of people who utilize Facebook are almost impossible to comprehend. When the Facebook S-1 form was filed with the SEC for their upcoming IPO, the number of monthly users was listed at 845 million people. That is almost 1/7 of the world's population! What consumer oriented product has ever had that kind of brand loyalty that 1/7 of the world population uses their product. Amazing is the only word to describe it.

Much of what I have written so far in this post has been non-specific and general pie-in-the-sky stuff. Now let me give you some specific examples of what I am talking about it. During my training for the Canyonlands Half-Marathon, I started to use an App for my iPhone called "RunKeeper". This is a handy little app that uses the iPhone's GPS feature to keep track of pretty much everything I do while I am running. It tracks where I run, how fast I run, how much I run, how many calories do I burn and a host of other variables. Once my run is complete, Runkeeper asks me if I want to save this information and if I do it posts it to my personal database on the RunKeeper Website and then... logs into Facebook and posts all the same information to my Facebook page and notifies all the runners/athletes in my team that I have completed a new activity. All of this information is transferred to Facebook and the other runners in my team via protocols and standards that were established by Facebook. Because if you want your app to post stuff to Facebook, and what developer won't want that, then you have to follow the rules that Facebook says you have to follow. All the while as Runkeeper's data is posted to Facebook it creates another reason for common people like me and you to log into Facebook. I want to log into Facebook to see how much my buddy John ran today. Did he run more or less than I ran? How fast did he run, etc.

Whereas Runkeeper is just one little small piece of the world that has to do with athletic performance it still can be "socialized" by using the rules and standards of Facebook. I know from my personal perspective if I can compare what I am doing to other people when it comes to my athletic performance I would rather do that then just log my data by myself. This data sharing gives me comparative information of how I am doing against my friends and peers. If I were very competitive it would allow me to ramp up my running to the level at which my friends are running.

With this wide-ranging infrastructure that Facebook has become almost any kind of activity or thing you keep track of on the computer can be turned into "social networking/social media". You think of all the different apps there are on Facebook - from game playing apps like Farmville, to the Top 100 Things to see in the World and you realize each of these activities that had in the past been solitary is now part of a giant social network of activities. You can compare what you are doing, or if it is a game you can work with a team of players to accomplish a goal. And all of this is brought about by the common infrastructure that is Facebook.

When you start seeing the width and breadth of all that Facebook is doing you can start to understand, along with it's 843 million monthly users why it is going to have an IPO of over $100 billion. Amazing....

One last point about social networking that I wanted to mention. If you have specific interests that you would like to explore or find common cause with other people you should really look into whether there are specific social networks around those interests. In my reading I have stumbled upon a page on Wikipedia that attempts to list all the social networks that exist. Here's the link to that page - http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_social_networking_websites.

In looking at this list I found at least 3 different social media sites that I want to join. They are: Blogster, a social media site for blogging. The Daily Booth - on this site you take a daily picture of yourself and upload and then people discuss and critique it. Fotolog - this is a site that focuses almost 100% on photo blogging.

My point in writing all this stuff is that the world of social media/social networking is absolutely fascinating. Everything about social media is almost brand new. It has an amazing power to harness what we do as individuals or entire societies. A year ago almost exactly, social media brought down the rulers of 2 countries who had been in power for many decades. I think what happened last winter/spring is just the begin of all that will happen with social media.

I am going to keep reading and writing about Social Media. Hopefully I haven't bored the crap out of everyone reading this - if so, please leave me a comment so that I know! And if you have questions about social media, send to me - I probably don't know the answer but I am really enjoying doing research on all of this stuff.

On to my second topic of the day - Valentine's Day! For the first time in more years and decades than I can possible count I will be single this Valentine's Day. I think the last time I was single for Valentine's Day was back in the early 1980's. Gees - that is kind of scary to think about it in that way. You hear many single people talk about Valentine's Day as the one day of the year in which they are painfully reminded of the fact that they are single. And I suppose that is absolutely true. I suppose too, if I wanted some kind of celebration on Valentine's Day, I could find someone to go out with and celebrate Valentine's Day.

So here's the thing - I don't want some kind of fake date with anyone just to celebrate Valentine's Day. Something like that would seem exceedingly silly and I don't want to do anything like that. Furthermore, I don't want to act or feel like I am bitter about it being Valentine's Day and I don't have some one to celebrate it with. Instead, I think this provides me an opportunity to look at Valentines' Day with a set of lens that I have never had before. It will be an interesting opportunity to experience this day on my own. I want to go out to dinner next Tuesday and observe the crowds of people sharing Valentine's together. What will I feel? What will I think? I don't know but I want to immerse myself in the holiday as much as I can and not withdraw and be upset because I don't have a date. It is time to explore a side of myself that I have not explored in many years.

There is only one person at this point that I would want to take on that Valentine's date, but she isn't available to me so that isn't going to happen. I will miss her on this holiday in a very big way as it will be 100% the opposite of how things went last year. Last year I had a fabulous Valentine's Day with a romantic evening together with Shelly. But I am going to stand alone and experience life in a different way this year and grow from the emotions that I will feel. Perhaps she will be out celebrating Valentine's Day with someone else this year - I don't know, regardless there is still a woman in this world that I love but I just can't be with her for Valentine's Day.

The point is I will stand alone on this Valentine's Day and I will feel good about myself. I can't say I will feel good about the direction my life has taken of recent. No - that I won't say. But being the ever positive person I am, I will feel good in the moment and I will find something fun to get up to. I think there is a deep strength within me that is allowing me to do this. It is based upon a deep conviction that my feelings and my love for her is 100% right and the way the world is supposed to be. I feel good about my choices and I will be strong in what I believe.

Well it is time to sleep as it is growing late. I had promised myself I was going to bed much earlier. I even stopped a text message conversation with a friend because I was going to go to sleep. And then... I have stayed up for another 2 hours. How stupid can I be?? Very stupid I guess is the answer to my own question.

Anyway - thanks and peace to all! ~ J.

I hope everyone has a great week ahead!!

A Political Hot Potato

2012-02-05T19:08:00.000-07:00

There are often those stories in the press that you almost don't want to hear about because they are so toxic. As blogger it is almost in my blood to avoid these stories and not have anything to do with them, but because of the issue at hand and the extremely horrible way it was handled I felt I wanted to write about this issue.

The issue is the decision early last week by the Susan G. Komen For the Cure foundation to de-fund all monies being granted to Planned Parenthood for women's breast exams. In a move to make the decision seem non-political, the Komen Foundation indicated that these funds were being withdrawn from Planned Parenthood because of a new policy within the Komen Foundation that would take away funds from any organization that was "under investigation". Of course because of some of the work that Planned Parenthood does, it constantly is under investigation. Right now they face an investigation from a congressional sub-committee to ensure no federal dollars given to Planned Parenthood would go towards abortion.

For me, I don't even want to touch upon the abortion issue. I understand why people have such a problem with abortion. I also understand why other people feel that it is a woman's right to choose. Unfortunately for the people who don't like abortion, it is the law of the land as determined by our highest court. So it is legal for now - like it or.

So regardless of all this why would the Komen Foundation even want to step in the middle of this ongoing "war" between right to lifer's and pro-choicers? I think the answer is that there is no rational reason they did what they did. Yes - Komen gives money to Planned Parenthood. But that money Komen gives to Planned Parenthood is ONLY used by Planned Parenthood to fund women's health exams associated with breast cancer - it has nothing to do with abortion.

(Given the subject of today's post, I thought this picture by Botticelli was appropriate. It is a masterpiece and hopefully does not offend. It was painted in 1484 and is located in Florence, Italy.)

But when you start reading what was going on, you come to realize that the Komen decision was extremely political and has backfired in their faces in a very big way. I read a great story on the situation on the Huffington Post today. The story can be found at this address: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/02/05/karen-handel-susan-g-komen-decision-defund-planned-parenthood_n_1255948.html.

The reality of the situation is Karen Handel a former Republican operative with very strong anti-abortion viewpoints has become a vice president within the organization. She has only been there for six months but her whole driving force since she has been there has been to escalate this issue surrounding Planned Parenthood and get the funding to them removed.

Occasionally I have let my political leanings sneak out when I have written my blog. But in general I do try and keep them in check. In my personal life I am much more outspoken in my political beliefs than I am here on the blog. I don't think this story even has to be politically focused except to say that Karen Handel has tremendously damaged the Komen Foundation by entering a political edge to the decision making process. Doesn't the battle against cancer span ALL political agendas? Shouldn't everything be done across the board to save people's lives regardless of the political agenda they might hold. Given that Planned Parenthood is the only health care organization in some areas that will service the extremely poor, doesn't it make sense to get them as much funding as they need to help save lives? (Planned Parenthood can't use the money donated from the Komen Foundation for anything other than breast health issues.) So by pulling the money from them you are going to cost some women their lives.

The unfortunate thing is when it comes time for Race for the Cure here in Denver I am sure this controversy will be brought up time and time again. Without a doubt fewer people will give to Komen and the overall effort to save women's lives and improve their health will be de-railed, because of one silly person with a political agenda. Karen Handel, I hope you are happy with the damage that you have done. You have sullied the name of a great non-profit organization and you have diminished the importance of this charity. Shame on you Karen Handel!

I hope I haven't offended anyone by my viewpoint on this issue. If so - I am sorry but it needed to be said!

Today has given me real hope that I am going to get my life out from under this blanket of pain that I have lived under for the last 3 months. When I got up this morning I took 4 Advil and 2 oxycodone pills. Throughout the day I was relatively pain free unless I moved into extreme positions. It seems to me that I will eventual get out of this pain in totality! Leave the pain behind for the day has put me in a very good mode. Think about living with chronic pain for a very long time and then think of how different the world seems when that pain is removed. That is the way I fell today. There is a good chance that I will have to deal with other days filled with pain, but I think in the end run it is going to go away.

Along with the lack of pain on my part, it seems as though Zack is perhaps being able to live without his anxiety. His overall anxiety levels are way down. Today there has only been maybe 2 or 3 incidences of him "fear mongering" at all. That still isn't good enough as we need to get to the point that there are absolutely no fear-mongering incidents at all - but this is a huge positive step for him.

There isn't a whole lot else to mention for today. Since Tim, Celinde and Cole were away, we looked out for their dogs over the weekend. Given my limitations at the start of the weekend, I relied heavily upon Zack to help out with the pups. He did a good job and there were no issues of one pup trying to assert dominance over another pup or pups! It was fun to watch the pups play and except for one time they got into the garbage yesterday afternoon we had no problems with them at all.

Our total snow fall for the weekend from our monster storm was somewhere between a foot and a foot and a half. Regardless of the specifics - we got a lot. Given my back we are the only people on the cul-de-sac who do not have our driveway shoveled - oh well that is the way it sometimes goes.

I hope everyone had a great weekend!

Thanks and peace to all! ~J.

No Pain

2012-02-04T13:00:00.000-07:00

First off - this is just a quick little blurb of a post. There will be at least one other post today - perhaps more as I am in the mood to write this weekend.

I wanted to share this bit of information with you all as you have been on this journey of pain and healing with me. For the first time since sometime during the week of November 13, 2011 I am actually pain free! This isn't quite the end of this story, but it does mark a turning point. The hope of a full return to normal is perhaps in front of me.

To reach this pain-free state, I had to take a bunch of Advil and my morning round of pain killers. It is pretty likely that the pain will return once these pills wear off as I do feel twinges of pain even now. Regardless there is no pain that this time and that is a first.

I am happy and I have a positive outlook that things are going to continue to get better. Yippee!!!

Thanks and peace to all! ~J.

Swirling and Twirling - thoughts racing back and forth...

2012-02-03T13:52:00.000-07:00

An adjective is a word that is used to describe a noun. The adjective adds color to objects, indicates whether it moves fast or slow - it can even describe the temperament of a creature. Adjectives are the words that bring our language to life. Without these words, our actions might be glamorous, flashy or even scary but the objects in our world would be boring and nondescript.

With the power these words add to our language they are best used with thoughtfulness to create a strong meaningful sentence. What adjectives should I use to describe my thoughts? Whatever words I use they need to be strong and convey a powerful sense of being and purpose. Because my thoughts are strong - they are things that keep me going - they form the agenda of my life in today's present and in what ever far off future I might still inhabit.

I am lost in a forest of adjectives as I sit trying to capture the best essence of my thoughts. Are my thoughts grandiose and unrealistic? Or are my thoughts carefully considered and determined? Perhaps even my thoughts are fanciful and lacking of purpose. This is a question that I could ponder for years I feel. But I don't have years to ponder such silliness. Instead I need to take these chaotic, twirling, swirling ideas that are forever banging throughout my brain and put some semblance of organization to them.

Perhaps it is a result of not getting enough physical activity in recent months or perhaps it is because I have consumed so different pain pills as I sought out physical relief from pain, regardless of what it has been, my mind for the last 3 - 4 months has been in an uproar - filled with plans, ideas and goals. It is like my brain has become a teapot that is constantly reaching the boiling point as there is no stopping the constant motion in my brain. Or it may be a very simple explanation, as the amount of my physical activity has decreased my mental activity has increased. All of these are interesting possibilities.

Today has been another day filled with those thoughts. It started last night as I lay in bed with my left hip and back wracked in painful agony. As I watched the news my mind honed in on one story in particular. It was the story of a man who recently left this world by his own hand - Noel Cunningham. This is a man who I did not personally know but who I did have the opportunity to meet once. Noel was a famous restauranteur here in Denver and was responsible for one of the best kept secrets in this city - a restaurant called Strings. Given his creation of this wonderful restaurant you would think that this was enough for which this man was to be known. But that isn't the half, or even a tenth of for what Noel will be remembered.

Instead Noel will be remembered as a person who was selfless in his desire to do good for others. With the help of his restaurant behind him and his connection to the elites of Denver, Noel was able to start and significantly fund a foundation that sought to improve the lives of poor people where ever they lived. Whether it was the poor of Colorado, or those in far away Ethiopia, Noel seemed to want to help everyone.

I am not a Noel Cunningham nor will I ever be a person like him with as great of a drive and the ability to gather people towards a common cause of helping others as he had. I am however determined more than ever to want to try and make a difference. There is no specific trigger in my mind that has set me off in this direction, but I feel that something is calling me to do more to help. In someways it is all part of the plan I described last week to get out of my rut. I don't even really know where to start other than doing what I am already doing and doing more of it. There is just this thing, this idea that is gnawing at my soul and my mind to do more. I need to figure out someway to engage myself even more in my neighborhood and all the communities that I belong to, so that I can do more.

Perhaps it is that I feel lucky to been where I have been in life and start to come out the other side of it feeling like I have survived and I have been blessed by luck. And I don't just mean where I have been recently with my back and my surgery. I mean in life in general. There are so many things that could have dragged me off the path of being a good person and taken me through the muck of life. But instead I am kind of doing OK. For a while there I did think very serious going down a dark and ignoble path. Those were the days in which it didn't matter to me if I drank a bottle of wine every night. I started to think maybe it won't be so bad to drown my feelings and all the hurt I have felt over the last 6 years in a bottle of booze. In the fall of 2011 I just felt like I didn't want to do that with my life anymore. So I haven't. I want to do something good - I want to be one of those people like a Noel Cunningham who help others. Now I just need to figure out the best way to use my talents, skills and experience to be the most effective in helping others. And don't get me wrong, it is not like I am wanting to dedicate my life to this - no I am way to selfish for that! It's just that I think it is time for me to do more.

If anyone was wondering - the time I met Noel was when I was in his restaurant Strings many long moons ago. It was a very enjoyable and captivating meal that I had in the restaurant that night. And Noel was able to see that happiness in my face and the person with whom I was there that night. So maybe I caught this feeling, this vibe when I saw the story on Noel because once he had recognized some goodness in me that allowed me to have a special meal in his restaurant that made someone else happy.

And as to what adjectives I would use to describe my thoughts - I need to consider that one for a while longer. Maybe someday I will figure that out, but in the meantime I want to get about all the plans and ideas that I have in my head. Time isn't going to stand still for me and for the longest time I have been standing still while time has flown by. I can't do that any longer.

This post will go up on the blog sometime on Friday morning, but I have started writing late on Thursday night. Based upon how much I have written and what time it is now, I guess I started to write at about midnight. The snow has been falling here for several hours and even though I knew Zack's school was going to be closed tomorrow, I didn't tell him that news before he went to bed. He is going to be happy as a pig in slop when he hears that he doesn't have school tomorrow.

With the weather being as severe as it is, it should make for a good weekend for us. It will give me more time to recuperate and it will allow us both time to do some things around the house. This evening I have had a relatively major change in my pain levels with a lot of the "radiating" pain going away at least for right now. This is a big deal to me as for a little while I felt like I did before I received these injuries. I can only hope this lack of pain will remain!

For anyone wanting to read any of the stories about Noel Cunningham and all that he did, here are some of the links to the stories about him.

http://www.9news.com/news/article/246363/75/Wife-trying-to-overcome-husbands-suicide-takes-over-his-restaurant (This is the story I saw on Nine News last night.)

http://www.denverpost.com/breakingnews/ci_19453879

For those of you living in Denver and the eastern 1/3 of Colorado - take care of yourselves and stay safe. It sounds as if conditions outside particularly to the east are really bad. So be careful out there!!

With the weekend upon us and me in a mood to write, I might be churning out several blog entries a day. For whatever reason I just have the determination to write. I was even giving some thought to trying my hand at a short fiction story - but that will take a long time before I would feel confident enough to post something like that. :-)

Be safe in the snow and have a great weekend!! ~J.

Lessons Learned

2012-02-02T14:13:00.001-07:00

Today is Thursday and I am very so glad it is Thursday and I am done with the surgery on my back. For whatever reason the thought of having this surgery gave me a lot of pause. Normally, I don't feel like that at all. I remember going in for the surgery on my leg wondering if I should have been more hesitant. That surgery didn't leave me with a churning in my gut wondering if I was going to live through it or not, but for some reason this back surgery gave me that feeling of uncertainty and caution.

Coming away from this surgery alive and somewhat no worse for the wear there are a couple of key lessons that I took away from it.

The first lesson, is that you cannot trust your surgeon when it comes to rosy outlooks for the results of your surgery. The surgeon who performed my operation is by far a very talented and well-respected surgeon. He was recommended by my sister-in-law who is a doctor. (Kind of funny how many times I have put my life into Celinde's hands by trusting her 100% when it came to medical stuff. No matter what she always knows what she is doing and makes excellent recommendations!) And all the reviews of him on the Internet were glowing. My own personal experience from meeting with him left me feeling like he really knew his stuff.

Regardless of all that, surgeons have a way of looking at the outcomes from surgery with rose colored glasses. Twenty minutes before my surgery started, the surgeon stopped by to check in with me in the pre-op area. His nurse practitioner had already gone over the consents with me so he didn't have to do that. Nonetheless, he wanted to talk to me before the procedure. He was very optimistic in his outlook and told me almost without any reservations I would wake up from the surgery and would not feel the horrible pain I have felt for the last 3 months from the herniated discs. This made me feel very optimistic but the end result was that that outlook didn't come true and it left me questioning a lot and very puzzled.

To that story I must now add a caveat. It could be I might have woken up in the recovery room and not felt any pain except for the fact of what I will describe next - which is also the second lesson learned.

The second lesson I learned is that medical mistakes happen frequently and anytime you are undergoing medical treatment a mistake could occur. In my case the mistake happened at the end of the surgery when everything was being wrapped up and I was being moved from the operating table to a bed for transportation out of the operating room. At first I had no idea what was going one. The last thing I remembered to that point was lying on the gurney from the pre-op area that was used to transport me into the OR. The anesthesiologist had reached over to my IV line and injected two syringes of medication into it. The set up that they had for the operating table looked incredibly complex, so they wanted to knock me out, incubate me and then get me on the OR table. After the two syringes of whatever medication he gave me I don't remember a thing until I awoke in total and complete darkness gasping for breath. No matter what I did I couldn't breath. I forced my eyes open and realized that I was still in the operating room. As I lay there gasping for breath it felt like I had the end of a MagLite flashlight shoved into my mouth and down my airway. Not getting any relief from this incredible feeling of suffocation, I began to thrash around as much as I could - even pawing at my face trying to pull what ever was in my throat out.

It seemed like this suffocation continued forever -but I am sure it only went on for a minute or so. I did everything I could to relieve the feeling but nothing was working. This is going to sound absolutely horrible but it is what happened. I didn't seem to have much control over my body at all during this whole event. Things got so bad, that I actually peed on myself because I couldn't breathe. (Yes - I do know I will get plenty of crap from some of my friends for revealing that fact - but it is what happened.) The next thing I know I felt someone putting their hands on my shoulders and then everything went black again.

The next time I remember was waking up was in the recovery room. It felt like my entire throat and mouth had been seared by boiling water. To add insult to injury as I started to move around I noticed that I still had the "radiating" pain that is the hallmark of my herniated discs and I also realized I hadn't been dreaming because the sheets of the hospital bed were soaked in my pee. How freaking wonderful was it to wake up to that? Gees... this is definitely not the kind of story that you like to advertise all over the place. "Guess what I did when I was in the hospital the other day" "What?" "I peed myself." Well as my one brother put it - at least you didn't s*%t yourself.

As Monday progressed I was moved from the recovery room to a room on the 4th floor in the "new wing" of the hospital. That afternoon and evening I was able to talk to my nurses about the continuing radiating pain I had on my left side. They made sure to note it in there report logs. The next morning when the PA for the surgeon came in I was sure to mention everything to her regarding the pain and how I had awoken with the ventilator tube still in me. About an hour after the PA was in, the surgeon came by and we talked through everything. He of course wasn't pleased with what I was feeling. He offered several different alternatives of what could be going on but there was no real way for him to tell short of me having an MRI. So later in the morning, I had the MRI. Then I just had to sit and wait for the results.

Around 2:00PM my brother stopped by to see when I was going to be ready to go home as he had to drop by my sister-in-law's office for something. We were sitting around chatting when my surgeon came back with the findings from the MRI. Not that I was happy to continue to be in pain, but I was glad with what he told me as it explained what was happening. My surgeon told me in most cases there would be a little bit of bleeding from the site of the surgery into the patient's spinal column. He said in my case instead of it being a little bit of bleeding there had been a lot. The MRI showed that my spinal column was full of blood from the junction of the L5/S1 vertebrae to the L3/L4 junction. Given they were only doing surgery on L4/L5 and L5/S1 the blood had actually even gone to the next highest vertebrae junction. That just didn't sound good to me. All the blood in my spinal column was continuing to apply pressure to my already fired up nerves. The surgery had replaced the original thing that was causing the pressure on my nerves - the herniated discs - with another thing - a big huge hematoma.

In the end run the surgeon offered me two choices. The first was to stay in the hospital for another 2 days and have a second surgery on Wednesday morning by which he would go in and suction all the blood out of my spinal column. The second was to go home later that day and take a wait and see attitude. If things didn't get better or they got worse within the next week to 10 days, then we would undertake another round of surgery. Needless to say, I decided on the getting out of the hospital now approach and do the wait and see thing. The hematoma in my spinal column is as if you had a bruise on your body. Over time the bruise would turn all kinds of nasty colors and then eventually just fade away as it was absorbed back into you body. With any luck this hematoma will do the same thing and just be absorbed into my body without further surgery.

Given that I woke up in the OR with the ventilator tube still in me and the fact that I flailed around like a fish out of water, I am wondering if I did something that caused more blood than normal to enter my spinal column. I am not even sure that is possible but I do wonder. I got confirmation that it was a big deal that I woke up in the OR when I got a call from the anesthesiologist's office on Wednesday afternoon. What was frustrating to me is that they tried to explain the issue away as opposed to just saying "we messed up". I mean the 2 huge scratch marks I have on face don't lie. I didn't have them when I went into surgery and I had them when I came out. Ummm... I don't think I was dreaming waking up the way I did. Nor does the excuse that everyone metabolizes the anesthesia different really work. If you are a professional anesthesiologist then you should figure out how quickly I am going to metabolize something. Oh well... It is what it is. Nothing I can really do about it now.

Another lesson that I learned is just the reaffirmation that I can do anything. In my life I have now had 3 different surgeries all of which have taken place since Patty died. With the exception of the second surgery - the surgery to repair my broken fibula I have done the other two totally on my own. (Having someone - Shelly - there for the leg operation was the greatest thing, but it was still something I could have stood alone to do.) When I entered the hospital on Monday morning, my brother dropped me off and then headed out. When the nurses and surgeon asked me if there was any one who I wanted them to call when the surgery was done - my answer was no. The thing is I am at a point in life that I can do pretty much anything I want alone. When I talk of taking Zack on the trips that we are taking, I have had many people express concern or wonder how I would do it. The bottom line is I can. I know in the absolute depths of my heart and soul that I can stand alone and get through life. It is a great feeling to have the wonderful sense of independence and know that you can do anything. This surgery has shown me once again that I can do what I need to do to survive and be absolutely strong - as the power is within me.

So those where the first three lessons that I learned from this little surgical episode. But by far the more important lesson that I learned is that there are a lot of wonderful, caring and loving people in my life. Throughout my life I have never wanted to receive help from other people. In many ways I have a hard time receiving help from others. During this go round with surgery I didn't ask for or receive a lot of explicit help. But what I did receive was just a lot of kind words and good wishes from people. In the past even these words of kindness and concern would have been hard to accept. But for once instead of turning them down, I received them with gratitude. Even when I was in the hospital feeling like sh*t and my cell phone ran, I could have let it go to voicemail, but instead I took the calls and felt really good to get the call. In the end run I truly feel blessed to have good friends who are good people who are in my life. Many of these friends I don't do that much with on a day-to-day basis, but the fact that they would reach out to me with just a kind word when I was feeling so low was a wonderful feeling. So to all of you who called, e-mailed and sent texts, thank you so much!!

I am now on my second full day at home. I am very pleased how Zack and I have come together to work through our day-to-day routines. Given my restrictions on weight lifting and the intense pain I am feeling when I move my body certain ways, Zack is having to help out a lot. He is continuing to do his normal activities like feeding the dogs, but there is a lot more he is doing - like making dinner, washing and drying the clothes, always opening the door for the dogs, etc. We are working very well together and the two of us make a great team. Though it is supposed to snow tonight and tomorrow - I am planning to get out of the house tomorrow or Saturday. I made sure the house was stocked up on food before the surgery, but I just want to get out. I am giving myself today as one more day to do nothing, but tomorrow things will change and I will get moving again. I will make it through this pain and life is going to return to normal. I will not allow anything different to happen. These two stupid injuries have cost me almost a year of my life in terms of restricting what I can and can't do. I will not be restrict for much longer - particularly there is going to be no way in hell that these injuries cause me to miss our trip to Costa Rica.

Before I wrap up my writing for the day, here is a stupid news story that I just had to pass on... Newt Gingrich thinks that if a movie is made about his life that Brad Pitt should play him. Really???? Come on?? That is just nonsense talk there Newt. You and Brad Pitt look about as much a like as a sea cucumber and the most beautiful Arabian horse. Not to belittle Jonah Hill, but I think Jonah Hill would be a much more likely candidate based upon looks to play you Newt. Sounds like you are on a bit of an ego boost there Newt! Here's the link to the story...
http://entertainment.msnbc.msn.com/_news/2012/02/02/10300084-newt-gingrich-brad-pitt-should-play-me-in-movies

Now if some one were making a movie about me, Matt Damon is the obvious choice! LOL! Yes - I have a little "man-crush" on Matt. Actually if some one was going to play me in a movie it should be someone like Dan DeVito. His ugliest factor almost reaches mine, but not quite - he is a tab bit more pleasant to look at.

Well - I am on to bigger and better things for the day. Though I can't physically do a lot right now, my brain is still working so time to get busy and take care of things. I won't crack open my work e-mail until tomorrow morning, but still plenty to do.

Zack and Nancy are doing well. Zack has come through my surgery without going into the depths of fear-mongering. I truly believe the changes in his medication has made a huge difference to him. Though he is not totally over all his anxiety he is doing a great job analyzing what is causing him to go over the edge with the anxiety. Nancy came over on Tuesday to see if she could help me with anything, but there really isn't anything I have needed her to do. She is still settling into Cranbrook and I still need to listen to her daily as there are so many things that she is still adjusting too and doesn't like.

Thanks to you all and I hope everyone has had a great day!

Thanks and peace to all! ~J.

Alive

2012-02-01T07:54:00.000-07:00

This is going to be an ultra short post. For those of you who follow me, I wanted to post an message to let you all know I did survive my surgery. The one thing you should always take into account concerning surgery is that things can and frequently will not go according to plan.

In the operating room a mistake was made that could have cost me dearly. Thankfully it did not do any permanent damage to me, but it certainly caused me a lot of pain and suffering at the time. Though the surgery was a success in the strict technical sense, it didn't solve the issue of the extensive pain. As a result I had MRI yesterday which found the cause of the problem with the pain. For now we are taking a wait and see kind of attitude, but in the end run it may require me to undergo another round of surgery.

I am finally home now and ensconced in my bed for the rest of the day. My life line for today and probably for several days to come are my pain pills. I am not sure how I would be surviving without them at this point. But things will be looking up and I am sure in another 3 - 4 days I will be back up on my feet. Believe me I am going to take it easy, but I have great faith that I am actually going to start feeling better in a shorter rather than longer time period.

Thanks so much for all the texts, e-mails and phone calls that I have received in the last 48 hours. Regardless of the outcome of this surgery, one of the things I have learned is that I do have a great bunch of friends who are willing to help out at any time. Thank you all so much!!!

Thank you all for being the best friends a person could have!!!!

Thanks and peace to all! ~J.

Surgery, Two Trips Ahead and Icelandic Road Conditions!

2012-01-29T17:36:00.000-07:00

At last it is upon me, tomorrow is surgery day! I am very excited at the prospect of no further pain. However due to what this surgery involves I am some what trepidacious about the whole thing. There is always some risk in the easiest of surgeries but this surgery won't be one of the easiest. The fact that it is performed by a neurosurgeon instead of a regular orthopedic surgeon is telling. Oh well - there isn't much I can do about that so as always I just need to suck it up and deal with it.

The details of the surgery are that it is scheduled for 9:00AM Monday morning at Littleton Hospital. Unfortunately it is not an outpatient surgery and I will be stuck in the hospital until Tuesday. There is a chance it could be longer than Tuesday, but I am hoping not. If the surgeon finds evidence that there is spinal fluid in the area surrounding the herniated disc, then I will be required to stay in the hospital for at least 3 days with two of those days spent on my stomach without me moving. Hopefully that won't be the case as I think I would go crazy under those circumstances.

Well enough about that! It is time to move to a more enjoyable subject. One of the things that I forgot to discuss in my plan to get out of my rut is travel! Over the next 6 months Zack and I have two international trips planned. The first is occurring the last week in March and will take us to Costa Rica. We will be traveling to Costa Rica to see a bunch of different areas of the country. My good friend Ruben lives there and he will be tour guiding Zack and me around the country. We will be doing a variety of different things from hitting the beach, to seeing the volcanoes, to visiting the rain forest, to experiencing San Jose (the capital) to experiencing some of Costa Rica's other cultural hotspots. We are going to try and see it all! We will leave Denver on March 24 and return on April 1. I have already purchased tickets for this trip and we are quite excited to go! It will be great to see Ruben again and I am sure Zack is going to love the experience! The only possible down side is if my recovery from surgery takes longer than expected. It could derail this trip - thankfully I bought travel insurance with my airline tickets.

In June we will be heading to Iceland for at least 10 days. As of now I haven't purchased our tickets yet, but I hope to purchase them by the middle of February. We are planning to leave Denver around June 18 as this will allow us to get to Iceland for the celebration of the summer solstice. This year the summer solstice takes place at 12:09AM, June 21 local time in Iceland. One of the best things about being in Iceland for the summer solstice are all the parties and fun events that happen! Since darkness really doesn't come that day, most young people in Iceland stay up all day and night and just party their brains out. I am not sure that we will get to do that given Zack's age - but we will participate in many of the festivals and celebrations that take place that day and through the following weekend.

The plan for the trip to Iceland is still evolving as I am continuing to read about where we should go and what we should see. The overall plan is to rent a jeep and spend most of the time touring around Iceland on what is called the ring road. The ring road is a road, and that might be a loose term for it, that circles the whole way around Iceland. I say road might be a loose term for the ring road as from what I have read there are long sections that are just gravel or even dirty roads. In a country of only 318,000 there isn't the need for a lot of paved highways. The conditions of the road system is one of the reasons that we would be renting a jeep as you need 4 wheel drive to make it through a lot of the landscape.

The following are some examples of road conditions in Iceland that I pulled off the web. In general when you head out on a long distance trip in Iceland you have to be prepared as you might face all kinds of conditions. Furthermore, once you are out in the middle of no where, you are kind of on your own!)

(A good section of road in Iceland, but then you have to deal with other issues... Like the gigantic ash plume from a volcano that is obstructing the road ahead. It is not advisable to drive through ash plumes!!)

(Another common Icelandic road hazard - a sheep on the road. Sheep in Iceland outnumber the people by a substantial margin. Hopefully the sheep never decide to rise up and overthrow the humans as the people are outnumbered!)

(An example of roads in Iceland that are in less than stellar shape. I won't have wanted to try and ride that rode on a motorcycle. It looks very painful to me!)

(Another example of the dirt roads of Iceland. Notice the washboard effect on this road.)

I can't tell you how much I am looking forward to these trips. Zack seems to be excited about them too. But for him they still seem so far away that he isn't thinking too seriously about them yet. Though I have been to Costa Rice before I am really looking forward to that trip as it will allow me to explore so much that I didn't get the chance to see when I was there before. And as for Iceland - this has been a place that is number two on my all time list of interesting places that I want to go. Number 1 on that list is Mongolia and we will get there eventually, but given Icelandic Air is starting direct flights from Denver to Reykjavik (the capitol of Iceland) in May of this year, it something that we just have to do.

There is not much to say about our day today. We got up relatively early this morning and I made a special breakfast for Zack - a cinnamon butter braid. I had to take it out of the freezer last night and let it defrost and rise, but wow was it worth it, as it tasted so yummy! Early this afternoon we went out to the movies and saw "The Adventures of TinTin". It was a pretty decent movie - but the most important thing was that Zack liked it. The rest of the day has been spent here at home working to make sure everything is ready for tomorrow.

I am not totally sure how tomorrow will play out as Nancy was supposed to come here and watch Zack on Monday afternoon/night. She is not feeling well today so we might have to go with a fall back plan that Zack and the pups go over to my brother and sister-in-law's house for Monday night. Not sure how that is going to play out, but I should know by later this evening if Nancy will feel up to leaving Cranbrook tomorrow.

I guess that is about it for the day. To all the friends who called, texted or e-mailed me today to wish me the best tomorrow - thank you! Your thoughts and concerns are greatly appreciated.

The next part is harder to write... Shelly all I can say is that I wish you were going to be at my side tomorrow, but I know that is not part of our lives right now. I wish it was the last time I was having surgery - made things won't be like they are now if we relived that time again.

I hope everyone has had a great weekend and is looking forward to the week ahead!

Thanks and peace to all! ~J.

"And he has a plan...."

2012-01-27T18:35:00.000-07:00

For anyone who watched the SyFy channel's series "Battle Star Galatica" several years ago you will recognize today's title as a play on the words from the opening lines of each episode. But the fact is I do have a plan. Though fortunately I am not a cyborg or robot fixated on the destruction of the human race.

Over the last 2 - 3 months you all have read me complain about being injured - from my leg injury to my herniated back and you have heard me talk about being in a rut. The fact is I am in probably one of the worst ruts I have ever been in during my entire life. It is time for me to come out of it. Realistically my extraction from this rut won't begin until I have the surgery on Monday.

I do have a plan to transform my life and get out of this rut. As I have laid awake at night or while I have laid around because I am in too much pain to do anything my mind has been in constant motion. So I have laid out a plan that shortly after my surgery I am going to put into action. It is specific and actionable, not some pie in the sky thing that isn't going to get me anywhere. Here are the components of this plan.

1 - Escalate the purge of things from the house. With one exception the house has been cleared of excessive clutter and now only the garage remains to have clutter purged. I have to give myself some time to recover after the surgery, but the extensive purge of the garage will be completed by Spring Break (March 24th) of this year. Though I have purged the excessive clutter from the rest of the house I want to take things a step further - I want to minimize my overall footprint of the possessions I have. Yes - you heard it right, I want to embark upon a minimalist lifestyle. It is hard to quantify a percentage of things I will purge but my expectation is that at least 30% of what I own will be purged between now and the July 1, 2012.

2 - Complete a design and decorating plan for the remodeling of my kitchen and family room by March 15, 2012. I have two resources lined up who can help me with activity. The first is a professional kitchen designer who I got through a friend. References through the work that people have previously done is the best way to go. Besides the professional kitchen designer I have a friend who is an excellent interior designer to guide me through the selection of what materials to use, the style of the rooms, etc. My goal, providing it aligns with the schedules of the kitchen designer and my friend is to have the design complete by March 15th.

3 - Buy a substantial new portion of my wardrobe by April 1, 2012. I tend to go through different styles of clothing at versus times. For the last 2 years I really haven't had much of a style as I have gotten lazy and have been in jeans and short mode. It is time for that to change. I want to create a new image for myself and dress in a much nicer way. This will help propel me out of my rut by just doing things differently like wearing a new style of clothes. I won't be getting rid of all my jeans, shorts and t-shirts by far. But what I will be doing is adding a new element of stylish clothes to my day-to-day rotation of stuff that I wear. In general I will be a better dressed person and I will do a lot more to wear nicer clothes on more occasions. Furthermore I will have the clothes tailored to my specific fit. My build isn't exactly large and sometimes it is hard to find clothes that fit perfectly. The sleeves are too long or the shirt is too wide - so whatever I buy is going to fit and fit really well. Dressing nicely is a way to make yourself feel better about who you are and to draw positive attention to yourself.

4 - Select a contractor and get the kitchen and family room remodeled. Once the plans are all drawn up it is just a matter of getting the work done. Though I won't have the plans finished until mid-March, efforts will begin almost immediately to select a general contractor to get the work done. I have a couple in mind and I intend to use the Colorado Home and Garden Show - which is held sometime in February to find some more companies I can look into. All things remaining equal I would like for the remodeling to kick off by April 15th. I am not going to put a target end date out there, because it really depends upon the contractor who is selected, the lead time for cabinets and the lead time for granite and other relevant materials used in the construction and decorating.

(These 3 pictures are pages out of Better Homes and Gardens Magazine about kitchen restoration. I don't have any plan for the kitchen yet, but the kitchen shown in this article is absolutely gorgeous if you ask me. This is the an example of the vision that I would like to create for the kitchen once it is remodeled.)

5. Rejuvenate the landscaping the whole way around the house. This will be a project that I mostly do on my own. I will use some contractors for specific activities like the removal of 2 large dead trees in the back yard. Much of the rest of the work would be stuff that Zack and I could do. It would be a fun experience for him as it would teach him a lot. This would be a lot term project that would take me through the end of July to complete.

6. Diversify my assets and pay off all temporary debt by March 31. Despite the fact that I have very good insurance, I have unfortunately gone through a large number of medical procedures in the last year. As a result there has been a fair amount of temporary debt that I have built up. Financially there is no problem to pay this debt but at times I have managed to get very favorable interest rates on keeping some of it around. For example my one credit card offers 0% financing for all debt that you transfer to that card. This definitely makes things worth while to keep some debt around. Regardless as I finish what I hope is my last round of surgery I am going to pay all of this temporary debt off. Additionally, because of negative market conditions I have kept some of my retirement funds invested in a number of European mutual funds. Now that the market has recovered somewhat it is time for me to get my money out of Europe before it totally implodes and come up with a much more streamlined, diversified and balanced portfolio. I am considering seeking professional advice to try and increase the overall return on my investments that I am getting. This will allow me to do a number of specific things like pay for the kitchen and family room remodel, take action on the next action item I discuss below and then undertake what I will consider a "black box" spending program. (The black box is a special program that I am considering that could pay serious dividends but it is not something I am talking about yet. If that "black box" spending program comes to fruition I will write some lengthy blog posts about the entire program. Until then.... it's a black box - LOL!)

7 - Though this next activity is not specifically needed because of any physical defect or mechanical issue, it is needed for my own sense of self. By March 15th I want to have traded in my 2001 Honda Civic and purchased a new car. I have a pretty good idea what I am going to get, but I am still uncertain so I don't feel like putting it out there and then having to pull it back. This is something that is distinctly for me and that I have thought about for a while. Yes - there might be a little bit of a flash to this car and no it is not a mid-life sports car for me. I absolutely hate sports cars. That is definitely not who I am. More on this one later as when I purchase I will certainly be posting pictures

So that is the plan for the next six or so months to pull me out of my rut. A big item that I didn't add to this list but is something I will really be thinking of is whether or not Zack and I will be staying in this house or buying something that is smaller. I still don't really know where I am going to go with this decision. But many of the steps that I am taking by seeking to minimize things and redoing my kitchen and family room are all aimed at allowing us to move forward to a new home if that is what I decide to do. The unfortunate thing I face for the next year is that I want to remain in a place where Zack will be able to go to West Middle School. So this does limit the places that I could purchase and perhaps keeps us in this house until Zack is completed with middle school.

We have all found ourselves in ruts at one time or another in our lives. There are many people who have made significantly larger changes to get out of their ruts. I remember reading a story in the newspaper several years ago about a guy from the UK who sold all of his possession and then took every cent of money he had and went to Las Vegas. There he bet absolutely everything he had on one spin of the roulette wheel. He put all of his money on black with a straight 2 to 1 bet. Fortunately for him he won. When asked why he did it, his answer was "I needed to make a change to my life". I am never going to get that crazy in terms of making changes to get out of this rut, but I am going to do things that shakes stuff up and creates a new reality for Zack and me.

Thanks to everyone who sent me positive messages after my meltdown post of Wednesday night. Your thoughts are definitely appreciated. Stuff like that comes up every once and a while and I from what so many others who have lost a spouse or someone very significant in their lives it is normal.

I am down to about 60 hours til surgery. Dear god, I can't wait. The pain and absolute stiffness in my back, hips and leg seems to be getting worse. I will be counting down the hours until Monday morning and when I head into surgery.

We have absolutely NOTHING planned for the weekend except one psychologist appointment for Zack. I intend to keep it that way and just use the weekend to stay off my feet and try and keep the pain at bay.

Well - I hope you all have a great weekend. It will be very low-key for us but that is totally and completely OK in my book.

Thanks and peace to all! ~J.

Loss

2012-01-26T01:10:00.001-07:00

There are days in which you feel nothing of the loss you have experienced. Life continues and all is good. Then there are other days in which the stupidest of things set you off and all the loss you have experienced comes rushing back into your head. As the tears pour from your eyes and the hurt rips your heart apart there is nothing you can do to stop the pain.

This evening all the pain and loss was brought up in my head by a TV show of all things. I was watching an episode of the show "Criminal Minds" and at the end, one of the main characters is shown talking with his son. I had never realized it before but this character's wife had died. In the episode the character is shown talking to his son and they were talking about his late wife and his child's mom. I don't know why but it brought up every single solitary emotion I have experienced about Patty's death. There was no way to stop the emotional tsunami that hit me in that moment. All I could do was try and get my breath as my emotions exploded in a torrent of tears. Why? Why? Why? Why did she have to die? Why wasn't it someone who didn't care about their spouse? Why did it have to be Patty that died? What a fucking horrible thing! Did I do enough to help her? Did I do enough to save her and prevent her from dying? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why?

I can scream and shout as much as I like as I live in a house that is practically deserted. It's just me, Zack and the dogs. The dogs don't care what kind of sound I make and Zack is sound asleep. So I can shout, scream, curse and yell all I want and no one is going to hear me. NO ONE. You get it Jerry - no one is going to hear. No one is going to care! All of that went away when Patty breathed her last - no one gives a flying fuck so you can rant and rave all you want at life's misfortunes and it isn't going to make a whit of difference.

So what do I do? I can't call anyone - it is too late to talk to the few people that will care. I can't sleep because I am now like a cat on a hot tin roof. So I decide to drink. But there isn't enough alcohol in the entire house that is going to make me forget what I am feeling. So I turn to my f'ing blog. Yep - put it all out there where a bunch of strangers for the most part can read about it and say to themselves - "Dear god, I am glad I am not that messed up individual". Oh well - I am sure that's what many will say - but at least I get it out of my system for now. Well - maybe I get it out of my system as I have been crying so hard that the snot is just running down my face and on to the key board.

(Was looking through old pictures last weekend and I found this picture of Patty. She was so beautiful!)

As a friend of mine who lost her husband told me (yeah - Brenda that's you if you read this thing) you will never 100% get over it. You'll think you are OK and then it will come raging back on you one day when you least expect it over the stupidest thing. That's the truth!!

Now that I have written this maybe I will sleep - probably not as I think I need to finish my bottle of wine first. Where ever you are Patty Rae, please look out for me as today is one of those days in which I just don't think that I can do it. To this day I am not sure why you had to die. I would have rather traded places with you 100 times over and died on that July day of 2008 then be here trying to raise Zack on my own. It is the hardest thing I have ever done and I am failing miserably! You should have never died - it should have been me as Zack would be doing so much better. If it had been me who died, it would have been just like I was out of town on a long business trip. He was used to that. He wasn't used to you being gone.

(A picture I took of Zack a month after Patty died. We were in downtown Denver waiting to catch the light rail home. I think this picture captures a lot of the sense of loss he has felt since Patty got sick.)

And besides messing up Zack what have I done since you died Rae? Not anything good that is for sure. I fell in love with some one who doesn't love me anymore and it has made my heartbreak even worse.

(Why didn't it ever work out between us Shell? I wanted to give you the world! How silly am I as I still do?)

There is no peace tonight for me. But for those who read this I hope you can find the peace that eludes me.

Good night.

Six Days til Surgery!

2012-01-24T18:52:00.000-07:00

Mornings around our house follow a pretty standard routine. The alarms goes off and I allow myself the luxury of hitting snooze twice before I get up. After that we are off to the races. I get Zack up and free the puppies from his room. Zack runs downstairs and feeds the pups while I follow him and get his breakfast ready. As soon as his breakfast is ready it is on the table along with his medications that he takes every morning. When he is eating I let the dogs outside and then select some clothes for him to wear. Though he is in seventh grade I do select his clothes because if I didn't he would end up wearing stuff that goes together like oil and water. After that it is all him as he gets dressed, brushes his teeth, puts his contacts in his eyes, checks his backpack to ensure he has everything, gets on a jacket and heads out the door. Sometimes he will even make a semi-decent attempt to comb his hair. But that doesn't happy too often because he is a boy and just doesn't seem to care about that.

Once he is out the door things slow down dramatically. I'll let the dogs in the house and then sit down in front of my laptop and start the daily routine of checking my e-mail and calendar and preparing for whatever meetings I have that day. Normally this work is done while I am sitting at the kitchen table or at the desk in my office. Then there are mornings like today when I allow myself to indulge in a more relaxing routine. Instead of working from the kitchen or my office I will take my laptop and head upstairs. Then I will burrow down underneath the covers and spend the next hour or two working from my bed. I usually do this when I am feeling cold and I want to get warmed up. This morning was one of those mornings in which I was freezing so I went upstairs and crawled underneath my covers. I have a lap desk so I prop my pillows up against the headboard of the bed and use the lap desk for my computer. Our house is typically much cooler these days than in years past. Prior to Nancy's move to Cranbrook I had to keep the temperature a good 3 - 4 warmer than I do now. If I didn't she would be freezing all the time.

About 5 minutes after I had settled into a good working position on my bed, I heard the jingle of the tags on Finnegan's collar as he walked up the steps. He came into my room and stood by the side of the bed looking at me with pleading eyes. I gave him the OK and he jumped on the bed as quickly as you can say lickety split. Then he did what I love so much, he came up to me and put his head on my lap while he contorted his body into an unbelievable shape. I petted him until he curled up in a ball at my side. It was like shear heaven sitting there working with my little pup curled up beside me. After just a minute he was sound asleep and I could hear his breath reach this steady quiet cadence. It was so wonderful it almost lulled me to sleep, but that couldn't happen as I had a ton of work to do. Regardless of my work, it was one of those small little pleasures of life that makes so much worthwhile!

As of today there are 6 days remaining until my surgery. Never in my life have so looked forward to having surgery. Due to the fact that surgery is only 6 days away I can no longer take Advil as it acts as a blood thinner. My supply of oxycodone is almost at an end so I have been rationing them. The end result is that the pain levels have built up to the point that it is difficult to walk. So I am tending to not do a whole lot physically right now. Despite the fact that there are some risks with this surgery, I just can't wait. When it is over and I am awake, you can be darn well sure I am going to post some joyous happy blog entry!

On the other hand I am doing a lot mentally. Since my stress fracture occurred back in March of 2011 I have really been restricted in what I can do physically. The things that I want to do physically have been piling up ever since. My mind has been in constant motion planning these things and thinking hard and long about all the steps I am going to take to "transform" our lives once I have recovered from the surgery. I expect that I am going to be one very busy person once I have healed since I have been laid up for so long.

Massive and radical change is needed to put my life back on a track that I feel good about. Because of the injuries and because of all the other changes that have occurred, I want to do something very differently than I am doing them now. I feel like I am in the biggest rut I have ever been in during my life. I want to break out of that rut and live differently. It's very hard to articulate all that I am thinking along these lines, but big change is needed for me!

One of the reasons why I talk about change and doing things so differently is because I have been laid up for so long. In the olden days this blog was more about the hikes and trips that Zack and I would take then anything else. Since my injury it has been impossible to write about these things because I am not doing them. Most of my activity has been limited to doing my "company" work, writing and sitting around. Just the thought of the freedom from the pain and physical limitations makes me giddy with joy. My doctor told me within several days of the surgery I can doing pretty much anything I want with the exception of lifting heavy weight. Regardless of the weather, I will be out walking throughout the neighborhood by late next week. I cannot tell you how good that is going to feel!

I got somewhat of a please surprise yesterday. The surprise occurred in my yearly review with my manager. I didn't know what to expect from this year's review as this was the first year I had worked for her. She has been an effective manager and has done some things for me that have gone over and above. This past year was a challenging year from an overall work perspective and so I did not expect a stellar "grade" coming out of my review. I was pleasantly surprised by the "grade" that I got. So it was a great discussion with my boss. My company distributes bonuses in March so hopefully this is going to translate into a good bonus.

Time for me to go for the evening. Finnegan has brought me one of his "foosas" to play Finnegan's Foosa Fetch with him. Zack and I call any of Finnegan's stuffed animal toys a "foosa". A toy I got him awhile ago looked like an actual foosa. Both Zack and I thought the name was cute so it stuck for all his stuffed toys. Then I thought of the phrase "Finnegan's Foosa Fetch". So whenever I now say that, Finn runs and gets one of his toys. He is really good about playing fetch, as he goes after everything I throw for him and then he actually drops it for me. He is the first dog who I have ever had that will drop whatever you are playing fetch with. Devon, Bailey and Lex just refused to drop their toys. Nowadays Lex is too "snobby" to even consider playing fetch!

(This is a picture of a real live foosa. They only live on Madagascar - yeah just like in the movie. I tend to think a real foosa would use Finn as a fetch toy as opposed to the other way around. Just look at the claws on him!)

Have a great rest of the week folks! As I indicated earlier I am not doing a whole lot these days so I am not even sure if I will have anything interesting to blog about. Yikes - that is saying something for me the person who can't normally shut up.

Thank you all and until later - peace! ~ J.

Social Media, The World and the Drawbacks of Single Life

2012-01-22T20:06:00.000-07:00

There is a lot to write about today. My brain is full to the exploding point of numerous things that I want to write about. And thankfully it is a Sunday and so I can make use of the day as I see fit. It is one of the very last remaining football Sunday's of the 2011/2012 football season, so I do anticipate that I will spend a good part of the day on the couch watching the Division Title games. I'll put the fireplace on and the family room will become nice, warm and comfy. Then I'll tune in the football games and curl up with my laptop on my lap. When the games get boring I will just revert to doing some writing on today's blog. It will keep me busy and happy. The only one who will not be exactly happy will be Zack because he will be outlawed from playing any video games today. Sorry Zack - but when it comes time for football - you lose all privileges to the TV!

I wanted to start today's blog entry with some thoughts about a conversation I had on Friday evening. The conversation was with one of my oldest friends, someone who I have known for 25 years and the person who introduced me to Patty. She lives on the east coast so we never see each other but we do talk every week or so. For whatever reason we got on to the subject of social media (i.e. Facebook and it's ilk) and we must have spent about 30 minutes talking about the advantages and disadvantages of it.

The focal point of our conversation really came down to how much and what you should or should not share via social media. My friend has the opinion that she doesn't want to share anything via social media as opposed to me who likes to put my life out on social media. My friend doesn't even have a Facebook, Google Plus or Twitter Account so she really doesn't know what it all involves. I countered her points about not sharing on social media with the question of "what is the harm". It is not like I put my social security number out there. Though I have my hometown out there it is not the town that I was born in so a hacker can't find my social security number that way.

To use social media properly I really do think that you need to apply a rule to what you post by asking yourself "is this something that I would discuss around the office"? Or is this something that you would only discuss with your closest friends in the utmost of secrecy? If it is the latter - it doesn't belong on social media!

There is also a line of thought that is held by many people concerning social media that by posting stuff you are just calling attention to yourself. I can't really dispute that line of thought. Social media is exactly that - social. By posting stuff I do call attention to myself. If I just exist on a social media network and lurk and watch what other people are doing, I have no really interaction with others. But if I post stuff then I do spark interaction and conversation with others. The way I would compare it is being a member of a social media network is like showing up at a meeting of a professional organization to which you belong. You can go to that meeting and sit there and listen to all the speakers and then after the speakers are done you can remain sitting and listen to all the conversation that occurs at the happy hour that follows. Yes - you have participated in one way by being there. But won't your participation be much greater if you got up and started to speak to people and introduced yourself to people you didn't know. Doing those actions helps to draw attention to yourself from others. Is calling attention to yourself in that way self-centered? I personally don't think so. I think posting stuff on social media is the exact same as involving yourself in those conversations at the professional organization you belong to.

There are a couple of points in recollecting this conversation. First - I think it is beneficial to post things on social media, but - and here is the key point - you need to be conscious of what you post. For example, I have a nephew who is applying to colleges this year. He has posted pictures that put him in a dubiously light - imagine with certain kinds of beverages in his hand that perhaps a 17 year old shouldn't yet be drinking. Those are the kinds of mistakes you need to avoid because perhaps the college you want to go to can see those pictures because you messed up the privacy settings. This is important for the subject I am going to cover at the end of today's entry. I could go really raw and raunchy with that subject, but I won't because for all I know my boss actually reads this blog and I have my yearly performance review this coming week! So Jerry's golden rule - put as much out there as you can but keep it clean and remember anyone can be reading this.

Second - though social media does force you to call attention to yourself there are good things that can come of it. For example, over the last several months I have made a number of posts on Facebook about how messed up my back has been. I got a lot of sympathy from people saying "I hope you feel better", etc. But the other thing that came out of it was I got several e-mails from friends who at one time had the same back condition. They provided me with lots of good advice as to what treatments to seek and when to just cut bait and go with the surgery. It was very helpful. Without Facebook I won't have those connections and I would not have gotten the great advice that I got. On top of all that, when it's your birthday and you get dozens of birthday greetings - it really makes you feel good! Last weekend when it was my birthday it sure made me smile to have friends from long ago sending me birthday wishes. It was really nice and made me feel special!

Third - Guess what? Almost 1/7 of the world's population has Facebook accounts. Yes that is right Facebook is approaching 1 billion members and is estimated to exceed 1 billion sometime this summer or autumn. If you want to find old friends, potentially make new friends, explore the cultures of other parts of the world, find new hobbies, join new groups - Facebook is really the place to be. If you are a business you really must be on Facebook because all of your customers are there. If you have a Facebook page and can draw your customers there, it is essentially free advertising. What is better than that!

Whew! That is a lot about social media and Facebook!! But moving onward....

Do you have any idea of how many countries there are in the world? It is a tough number to keep track of! Depending upon where you live and your political agenda the number you count may vary slightly from someone else's number. Ultimately if you try being non-biased and look at it from a neutral standpoint, the best number seems to be around 196 countries - this is the number maintained by the United Nations. The reason your outlook and where you are from influences this number is because some "countries" are not universally recognized as countries by everyone. Some examples of this are Taiwan, the Palestinian Territories, the Russian breakaway territory of Chechnya and Kosovo. Furthermore new countries are frequently coming into being. The newest country in the world, South Sudan only came into being on July 9, 2011. Over the next decade there are potentially new countries that might come into being like Kosovo, Scotland (if they split from the UK), Guadalcanal (if they win their civil war against the Solomon Islands) etc, as the list goes on and on.

(This map is an excellent example of new countries coming to be. The area that was once the former Yugoslavia became 6 separate countries and territories after the civil war that started in 1991. These countries are Serbia, Montenegro, Croatia, Macedonia, Slovenia, Bosnia and Herzegovina and Kosovo. The final status of Kosovo has yet to be determined as it is still under the protection of the United Nations.)

The reason I am talking about that number of countries in the world is since last Saturday when I started keeping track, people from 43 different countries have read this blog. This reminds me of when I was a kid and I would sit around listening to my shortwave radio. I would try and listen to radio stations from as many different countries as possible. Back then you could write to the radio stations and tell them you heard them and they would send you a "QSL" card acknowledging that you heard them. Of course I am not going to get anything like that from my readers from around the world, but I think it is pretty wild that people from that many countries have read the blog. Here's the list of the countries from which people have read the blog: Algeria, Argentina, Australia, Barbados, Brazil, Bulgaria, Canada, Chile, Colombia, Costa Rica, Denmark, France, Germany, Hong Kong, India, Indonesia, Ireland, Israel, Italy, Japan, Kuwait, Luxembourg, Macedonia, Malaysia, Mexico, Netherlands, New Zealand, Pakistan, Philippines, Poland, Puerto Rico (technically part of the US!), Russia, South Korea, Spain, Sweden, Switzerland, Thailand, Turkey, Ukraine, United Kingdom, United States and Venezuela. I know this doesn't mean anything to anyone but me, but I think it is cool so I just had to write about it!

On to the last subject of the day.... Yeah the most interesting subject of the day - "The Drawbacks of Single Life". Why I decide to write about this subject is because I was thinking of this while I was lying in bed this morning after I woke up. As I lay there I just thought of how different my life is as a single person from when I was married or I had a long term girlfriend. And to be honest it sucks!

I have learned to live as a single person because I don't have a choice. Well - I guess I do have a choice, as there are a lot of different things I could do. But the fact is, I don't want to a lot of those things. The thing that I miss the most being single is just the overall intimacy that I used to have with my partners. That sense of intimacy and closeness is now gone. There are of course different types of that intimacy. There is the mental closeness that you feel when you have a partner and you know that you have a best friend to whom you can tell anything - you can make yourself feel utterly vulnerable in front of them and they will accept you and love you.

Then of course there is the physical intimacy - sex. I don't think I really have to describe what it is to live without that. As an adult who has spent the vast majority of your life either married or in long term relationships you take sex for granted and consider it part of your day-to-day life. When that is gone it really sucks!!

There are so many other drawbacks it is silly. I think I could create a list that is pages long but instead of doing that I will just highlight a couple other drawbacks of being single or things that at least I miss! Whenever I host a get together of family or friends at my house I notice how hard it is to do when I am single. I figured it out at Christmas and the reason it is so hard to do as a single person is the fact that you have to do all the work. When you have a partner you split the work between the two of you. It is not all in your hands to make all the food, set the table, open the wine, get everyone drinks, etc, etc, etc. It was always so much easier to host a party or a dinner when I had a partner because you didn't have to do it all.

Over the last 2 months I have really experienced this next drawback because I have had 2 medical procedures and I have had to go to the Emergency Room. When you get sick you have no one to rely upon who is right there besides you to help. Yes - in all the situations where I needed help I was able to get it. I have my brother, sister-in-law, friends and many neighbors to rely upon. But it isn't like all you need to do is just tell your partner - "Hey I am sick take me to the ER". I don't know I always feel weird having to call upon some one else - family, friends etc.

So there are many drawbacks to being single in my mind. When you talk to other single friends about it they either get what I am saying or they don't. If they have been single for a very long time to them these drawbacks don't necessarily seem like drawbacks. Many people consider some of these "drawbacks" to be advantages. On the other hand people who are recently single seem to get it and understand. Many times you will get a lot of feedback that you don't need a partner. Many of my single guy friends will ask me "why do you need to be in a relationship to have sex with some woman". Ouch is all I can say to that one. I don't know I am just one of those people who doesn't do well with emotionless sex. For me the true satisfaction and enjoyment of sex comes from being able to know your partner and understand their desires and needs. When you do a one-night stand with some one that just doesn't exist. When all is said and done, it just feels weird and leaves you feeling really pathetic. At least that is the way I feel. I know for some people it is a big turn on and they just put another notch in the head board of their bed.

(

(Some famous artwork showing two lovers sharing a kiss. I don't know the artist for the painting on the top but the lower painting is by Gustav Klimt. This painting is very famous and very expressive if you ask me!)

For me the even bigger thing is the lack of mental and emotional intimacy. Being single I really don't have anyone who I can just blab to. I tend to like to talk a lot. I talk about everything and anything. Whatever comes to my mind I tend to spout out of my mouth. Sure I can do that to some extent with friends - but it just isn't the same. There isn't that sense of intimacy that you wake up and say good morning to the same person to whom you said good night. When you have a partner they come to understand what you are going to blab about. Perhaps they are blabbers too. There is nothing better than that connectedness that occurs when you are with someone for a long time. It is special, it is unbeatable and being without after a while sucks.

There are a lot of drawbacks to being single. I suppose I could date a lot and just find someone to be with as I am a pretty easy to get along with person. But that isn't what I want. I know what I want but it may never happen. I will keep the faith but I will continue to adapt. I am not going to compromise on key principals, feelings and beliefs. I will be constant and I'll get through being single and someday I will be together with the person I love. It's worth the wait!

What do you all think of this. I know there are a lot of other single people out there - what do you think about what I am saying? Am I full of crap or does it have some validity? Seriously let me know - whether you are single or involved in a relationship leave a comment and tell me what you think. You don't have to leave your name you can leave the comment anonymously. I'd just like to hear what other people think about all that I have spewed today.

Whew - I have covered a lot of ground with this blog entry today. I can tell I have been typing for a while as I am sitting on my couch with the laptop on my lap and my legs are starting to fry as the laptop has been sitting on me for so long.

I really enjoyed writing this post as it covered a lot of ground and discussed stuff that was on my mind. I might re-visit some of these subjects again as I think they are interesting. I hope you all enjoyed what I have written and that it has provoked some of your own thoughts.

As for our day - there isn't too much to be said. I went to Cranbrook and picked Nancy up so that she could come and watch the football games with me and also hang out with Zack. The games were pretty good - though I didn't see the end of the NFC game. Did some grocery shopping, made a nice meal for Zack and Nancy and then I took Nancy home to Cranbrook. So it wasn't anything out of the ordinary but nonetheless it was a good day.

Have a great week ahead!

Thanks and peace to all! ~J.

Oh and by the way - Happy Birthday T! Hope you had a great day!!

A Quick Bounce back from Anxiety for Zack

2012-01-22T00:16:00.000-07:00

Despite today being a Saturday, Zack had an appointment with one of his psychologists today. His one psychologist - Dr. Stein is so busy that it is difficult to get an appointment with him regardless of the day. As a result most of our appointments with him occur on Saturdays. What was astounding about this appointment is what came out of Zack's mouth and head. Today Zack opened up in a way that he hasn't opened up in 4.5 years of therapy. He communicated to Dr. Stein one of the deepest level fears that he has that has driven his anxiety complex for much of the last 5 years.

I don't want to go into the specifics of what Zack said because it is something that is relatively personal to Zack. Ultimately digging through all the meanings of what he said, his biggest fear has to do with death and how Patty's death came about. I really thought I knew everything there was to know about Zack and his anxiety complexes but this one really took me by surprise. Even more surprising was the fact that he was willing to put this topic on the table only 2 weeks after he suffered a major anxiety meltdown.

What this tells me is that the new medication Zack is taking - Abilify is doing some significant good for Zack. The amount he has been fear mongering has diminished substantially. He is now able to go to school and function much better than before. Additionally, this past Wednesday he was able to stay at home by himself for 4 hours while I went and did my volunteer work. This evening I was able to go out for 2 hours and meet with several friends for a happy hour birthday celebration. So he is really making some progress with his recovery from his anxiety meltdown. All I can say is I am very proud of him for the strides he is making and the ownership he wants to take to rid himself of his anxiety. His brain chemistry seems to be on the upswing and his eyes are again bright!

After his appointment we headed downtown as I had a bunch of Nugget tickets that I needed to pickup at the Pepsi Center Box office. We visited with Nancy at Cranbrook for a while and then we headed home. The rest of my day was spent working on the giant purge. I have been working at organizing things, cleaning things up and purging lots and lots of things. Today I got rid of a ton of stuff and I have a huge pile of things I want to send to Goodwill.

This evening I headed out to the Rio Grande restaurant in Lone Tree to meet up with a group of friends. Since the end of things with Shelly I have been trying very hard to build a social circle that includes a lot of different people. As such I have reached out to many old friends from my younger years. Tonight was a chance to catch up with several old friends as we got together for some drinks and dinner for a birthday celebration. It wasn't anything big, but it was nice to reconnect with friends from long ago. I don't know when I will have the chance to do this again, but at least it was good to re-connect with people if only briefly. And I will say it takes a lot of work to build a strong social circle. I know being single you really need to have this strong social circle so I will keep up the effort to reconnect with old friends and make new friends. Because Zack was home alone I only stayed out for 2 hours but he did very well. He called me two times to ask me questions but otherwise he did fine.

The rest of this evening has been spent playing World of Tanks and watching TV - not exactly a productive evening. Even though I had gone out I was home by 9:00PM and Zack got to bed at 9:15PM. Since he has been going through his anxiety meltdown I have been trying to ensure he gets a lot more sleep. The funny thing is that he is not fighting me about it. Normally in days past he would be so angry if he had to go to bed before 10:00PM on a weekend night. Now he willingly goes to bed at 9:15PM - utterly amazing!

Tomorrow will be another working day here around the house. Though my back is killing me I am trying to get as much stuff done as is humanly possible. I have goals that I want to meet and purging stuff is a key part of those goals. I don't know exactly why but I do feel very driven to accomplish stuff. Well - I know why but I talk about the situation so much that some days I just need to let it rest. I don't know if doing all this work is going to get me closer to the goal I have, but in my heart I have hope it will.

Well it is late as I have spent too much time this evening playing my World of Tanks game so I am going to wrap it up for now.

I hope everyone is having a great weekend!

Thanks and peace to all! ~ J.

Friday Night with Frank

2012-01-21T01:14:00.002-07:00

It is kind of late on a Friday night. I have been up late watching shows on TV. Well I got Zack to bed at 9:45PM and then I spent a bunch of time playing my video game "The World of Tanks". The best players seem to come out on Friday night so there was some intense competition tonight. After that I watch the Channel 9 10:00PM news and the Discovery Channel show Gold Rush on DVR. It is so nice to watch these shows on DVR as you can watch them in literal 2/3 of the time.

Then it was time to come up to bed since it was approaching 1:00AM. I have a sleeping buddy for tonight as Lex wanted to sleep with me not Zack. So when I got up to bed I was still fooling around with my laptop and I decided to enter another quick post for tonight. The post for tonight are all about Frank Sinatra songs. There are a few of my "peeps" (I think that word is so funny I don't know I have ever used it before) - actually one "peep" in particular who might enjoy these songs, so I decided to do a quick post with some Frank Sinatra songs embedded. Enjoy!!!

And to that one particular peep who really enjoys Ol Blue Eyes - I hope it brings a smile to your face. It brought a smile to my face putting this out there for you. Anyway - enjoy - as you are thought about big time!

Come Fly with Me

Fly me to the Moon

I've Got You Under My Skin

The Way You Look Tonight

New York, New York

Thanks and enjoy!

Fridays and Reality TV

2012-01-20T19:21:00.002-07:00

Thanks for all the feedback that you all gave me concerning my video blog! It was something that was fun to do but the end result is that A Dad And His Boy blog is going to remain a written blog. There might be the occasion or two when a video blog entry seems appropriate but the written word just seems more elegant and appropriate in this case. Furthermore one of the big outcomes of writing the blog is that I get a chance to write and write a lot. One of my future dreams is to get good enough at writing that I can get something published. Keeping up the practice of writing just about everyday will help me realize that dream.

I do think I am going to do a lot more with video however. It won't necessarily end up here on the blog except for the interesting pieces. When my back is finally fixed and I resume my hiking I will be taking my GoPro video camera with me. My goal will be to edit that footage and put it into a nicely viewable format. I did a bunch of that kind of work back in 2008 and 2009 when I used photos taken while hiking to create some really nice video montages. I will be getting back to doing that.

In some ways I don't have a lot to say today, in other ways I do. It's kind of an interesting dilemma as there are things that I would like to say but I just don't feel like taking the time to work through the right way to say them. Part of my issue I guess is that I am really getting frustrated with my situation - not being able to do much of anything. The overall pain level in my back has increased recently and the number of available pain pills I have continues to go down. So my ability to take the number of pills I need does not match the number of pills I have! I just need to be able to hold on for 10 more days! I had all my pre-op work done today. They took a bunch of blood and did and EKG. It wasn't anything too amazing!

Besides the fact that it is a Friday evening one of the things I really look forward to on Fridays (or usually Saturday's until I watch it) is the TV show Gold Rush. I religiously DVR this show and then either watch it very late on Friday night or sometime on Saturday. It is one of the reality shows on the Discovery Channel. The show follows the fortunes of 6 out of work guys from Oregon who head north to Alaska and then the Canadian Klondike to work gold claims. The first season they worked an existing claim called Porcupine Creek which is in Alaska. This season, the second they had to move further north into the Klondike because the first claim was bought out from underneath them as they were leasing it. (They had to give the owner 20% of their take.)

So far their fortunes haven't been very good. In the first season they invested something like $200,000 and only found 9 ounces of gold - worth about $20,000. This season they are doing better but they still haven't hit the big pay streak for which they were looking. On last week's show they mined and ran over 1000 yards (cubic yards) of dirty through their "wash plant" and they only found 5 ounces of gold. That is a huge amount of work to do for 5 ounces of work. Personally, I don't know how these guys survive other than the fact that they are being filmed for a reality TV show. The show gets very good ratings so I am sure these guys must make a darn good bit of money off the TV rights in addition to their mining income.

I think Gold Rush is a pretty good show but some of the reality shows that they have come up with are just insane. I didn't watch this one but I saw it advertised, it was called "Lady Hoggers" and it was about a company made up of women down in Texas that went out and hunted down wild hogs. Umm... that just doesn't sound like quality TV to me. Even some of the more popular reality shows like Pawn Stars just seem so staged it is ridiculous. I can't get into those shows at all. At least Gold Rush doesn't seem to be as staged but I am sure it probably is. What will they come up with for new reality shows next?

On a totally different note for this evening, I have to say that Finnegan is the most fun puppy ever! This evening my back has been hurting a lot so I have been lying on the big couch in our family room playing with him. He has this dumbbell like squeaky toy that he loves. He will chase it any where in the house. I throw it into the kitchen for him and he takes off running to get it. As soon as he brings it back to me, he drops it right on my lap. I then torment him with it by squeaking it in his face - it's really not a tormenting him as he loves the game - he tries to steal the toy from my hand. If he gets a good grip on it we will have a tug of war for it. When he is trying to bite at it I will hit it up against the side of his muzzle. It makes a ton of noise and it gets him all excited. I then throw it for him again and we will do the same thing. I am not sure who has whom trained - do I have him trained to fetch it or does he have me trained to throw it for him? Perhaps the pups are smarter than we think!

On last note about Finn. He has continued to get bigger. He is now almost as tall as Lex. He is no where near as broad as Lex as he hasn't even began to fill out. But he is still so darn cute. I always call him our baby puppy, because he still seems so much like that little puppy that emerged from his kennel on Christmas Eve 2010! We love this little dog! Not that we don't love Lex because we definitely do, but Lex has his own unique personality and he is quite happy to spend his days snoozing on the dog bed in front of the fireplace or on my bed. His muzzle is pretty much solid gray so he deserves his time to rest, sleep and relax. Regardless Lex we still love you too!

Not a whole lot else to say for the day. We don't have anything going on tonight but tomorrow I have a birthday celebration to go to for a friend of mine so that should make the evening a little more lively. A bunch of us are getting together for drinks and dinner - so it should be good.

I also think that Zack and I are going to go out and look for a new car this weekend. We currently have 2 cars that are both over 10 years old. We have "The Beast" which is our 1998 Ford Explorer. Despite it's age, this car is in very good shape except for the fact that Lex has ripped the carpet off the back cargo area. The Explorer currently has 130,000 miles on it but it's engine is in great shape. This car seems to be a keeper as I believe I can get another 120,000 - 150,000 miles out of it. Our other car is a 2001 Honda Civic. It only has 92,000 miles on it, but I just haven't treated it well. The body is a bit messed up and the inside took a beating from when Zack was a little kid. I can't even begin to count the number of times he either puked in it or spilled the entire contents of a sippy cup in it. Though it is a younger car and has fewer miles it just seems like it is much older than the Explorer. I am giving serious thought to trading it in for whatever it is worth and getting another small sedan-like car. It will only be another 3 years or so until Zack is driving and I would like to have a car that has the most modern safety gadgets in it and now just seems like a good time to do this. Not that I am all about buying new things as I am not, but to be honest with the overall mood that I am in, a new car might just perk me up a bit. I refinanced the house back in November so each month I am now saving enough money that I could take on a car payment without adding any financial stress to my life.

Oh my... I wish, I wish.... I wish I had my best friend at my side. Kind of funny as I was thinking about the evening back in January of 2010 when the two of us came close to burning my friends apartment down. We didn't even realize it until there was a pillow fully engulfed in flame. Gees... those were the best of times. I miss them a lot. I'll never have a best friend like that again - you only ever have one like that in your life.

I hope everyone has a great weekend!

Thanks and peace to all! ~J.

Attempting something new tonight.. A VLOG format!

2012-01-17T19:20:00.000-07:00

Today's blog entry is a VLOG. Yes - a video blog. Please, please, please tell me what you think. If you never want me to do this again, tell me! I had fun doing it, but if my audience hates it, I am not going to do it!

Thanks and peace to all! ~J.

A Photographic Study of Krakow Poland

2012-01-16T21:31:00.002-07:00

When this blog started, I always had a lot to write about. Back then Zack and I were getting out and having "adventures" almost every day of the weekend. During the week days when we weren't getting out for an adventure I would be writing about our plans for the next adventures we would have.

With my injured back our ability to have adventures is practically nil. Today with the Martin Luther King holiday we didn't do much. I had a number of things to do for work and while I did those Zack worked on homework, read a book, watched TV and played video games. Late in the afternoon after I was done with my work I felt very weary as the pain medication I take to diminish the pain in my back tends to make me sleepy. On top of that I don't sleep very well as the positions I naturally sleep in are some of the most painful ones for me. I am typically awaken by pain several times throughout the night even if I take an Ambien. The end result is that I am tired a lot and we don't have a lot of adventures for me to write about.

Instead of writing about any adventures today, I decided to post a series of pictures I took in Krakow, Poland in 2005. I posted one of these pictures this weekend as my cover photo on Facebook and I got a lot of complements on it. So I decided I would go through the entire series of photos I took back then and post the best. The pictures were taken over a period of 3 months when I was working and traveling back and forth from the US to Southern France and Krakow. In the end I spent 3 - 4 weeks in Poland which gave me the ability to do a fair amount of exploring throughout Krakow. One of the more interesting aspects of my time in Krakow was it was shortly before and shortly after Pope John Paul II died. During my first visit to Krakow he was extremely ill and there were quite a number of church services taking place in the main Cathedral to pray for his good health. The numbers of people in the church at all hours of the day were pretty amazing. Then during my second set of trips to Poland in April, it was shortly after the pope had died and the city was still in a state of mourning. It was a fantastic experience to be immersed in the middle of the national state of mourning for Pope John Paul's death.

Anyway - without further adieu here is my photographic study of Poland from 2005.

(Winter scene in a park in the old city of Krakow.)

(Trams or trolleys are the way most people get around in Krakow)

(Typical street scene with cars and Trams)

(There is very little room on the streets in old city Krakow as the streets are very narrow)

(A courtyard in one of the many colleges that are in Krakow)

(Tower in the central square of the old city)

(The central market in the old city town square. This is one of the large town squares in all of Europe.)

(St. Mary Cathedral which is the seat of the archbishop of Krakow. Notice all the people outside - they were in line to get in for a mass that was being said for the health of Pope John Paul.)

(Florian Gate - which is part of the walls of the old city)

(Detail of the sculpture on the Florian Gate.)

(Fortifications that were part of the old city walls)

(Watch tower that is part of the old city walls.)

(Central market from another viewpoint)

(Small little church right next to St. Mary's Cathedral)

(Hallway inside the central market)

(Looking out one of the hallways from the central market out on to the old town square)

(Krakow's airport terminal. Note the name Jana Pawla II - that is John Paul II in Polish after the pope.)

(My airplane back to the US on the tarmac)

(Trip in the spring - stayed in the suburbs this time. Notice the nasty looking Soviet style apartment blocks)

(View of St. Marys from within the Central Market)

(Notice the nuns - there are priests and nuns everywhere in Krakow)

(Street performers in traditionally Polish garb)

(A nun looking out for someone's baby)

(Chapel within the Wavel castle which was the court of the princes who ruled Krakow in ancient times)

(Part of the Wavel castle)

(Living quarters of the royalty within the Wavel castle)

(Another view of the large courtyard in the royal living quarters)

(Main entrance to the church/chapel within the Wavel castle)

(View from the top of the Wavel Chapel tower)

(Huge bell in the Wavel Chapel tower.)

(Another view from the top of the Wavel tower)

(Me hoping the bell won't fall on my head)

(Huge section of the Wavel Castle from near the walls)

(Pope John Paul's residence when he was the archbishop of Krakow before he was elevated to the papacy)

(A priest walking past John Paul's residence. There literally are priest and nuns everywhere!)

I hope you have enjoyed these pictures as much I enjoyed taking them. The first set with all the snow in the pictures wasn't that enjoyable to take as it was freezing cold outside - almost zero Fahrenheit and I had just returned from 3 weeks in India. Needless to say I didn't have a lot of warm clothes with me and I froze my butt off!

Tomorrow Zack will be going back to school. I am not sure if the Abilify is starting to work or what is going on but his anxiety levels have been significantly reduced. He is still doing his silly, irrational OCD rituals, but on Friday he was doing them constantly, now he is doing them much less. I believe the Abilify and the extremely high dose of Lexapro that he is taking have started to change his brain chemistry back to normal. Now he can control the anxiety and hence I am pushing him harder to stop the OCD rituals and I am getting a much better response from him.

As for me and my life, there isn't too much going on. I am sleeping a ton because my body is being exhausted by the pain I am in and because of the pain medication I am taking. So my sleeping habits have changed drastically as I am now normally in bed by 10:30PM or 11:00PM and asleep very shortly there after. Even when I go to sleep at that time I normally sleep in until my alarm goes off at 6:30AM when it is time for me to get Zack up. On the weekends I will sleep in until between 8:30AM and 9:00AM.

One other note that I am really starting to notice. I miss having Shelly to talk to and tell all my little mundane stories of life. I tend to talk a lot. One of my key social outlets is utterly gone and I really, really miss having that outlet and having that sense of closeness to tell her exactly all that is going through my head. With some of the things that go through my mind I really can't tell them to too many people - as they will get intensely bored or they will think I am crazy. So it something I really miss about the close relationship we had. I have no one to listen to all my useless trivia and stupid facts that I can spout about almost anything. :-(

I got all the paper work today for my pre-op blood work, x-rays and EKG's. For whatever reason the whole back surgery thing has a lot of precautions around it that I haven't experienced before. When I had my leg surgery none of this stuff was done. I know that this surgery is seen as being more serious and risky and it is giving me a little pause to think. Maybe I should say it is making me a little bit more fearful. It has made me fearful enough to force me to write a will. That is saying something for me! Oh well - it has to be done and I will endure!

Well - that's it for the day. Hope everyone's week is off to a great start!

Thanks and peace to all! ~ J.

The Will

2012-01-15T21:07:00.000-07:00

There are activities in life that you really just don't want to do. These activities vary from person to person of course as we all have our likes and dislikes. There are some tasks though that I think no one really wants to do. Doing these tasks requires us to face up to our mortality. The time has come for me to complete one of those tasks. I really need to write a will. This is something that I have put off for a very long time. Once you become a parent you have the responsibility to ensure your child is taken of regardless of what happens to you. Writing a will is part of ensuring that your child can be taken care if you were to die.

On January 30th I will be going through my 3rd surgery in 3 years that will require me to be anesthetized with general anesthetic. I always think general anesthetic is risky to a small degree. The first surgery happened in March of 2009 when I required emergency surgery due to an abscessed tooth that lead to a massive infection in my neck. I remember driving myself to the hospital for that surgery kicking myself because I didn't have my "affairs" in order. I told myself then that I would get things taken care of and write a will. Stupidly I did not fulfill my promise to myself and let things go. This past October when I had surgery for my broken leg, I remember sitting there in the pre-op area cursing at myself because I still didn't have a will written. I kept thinking "What if I don't wake up from the general anesthetic - what is going to happen to Zack". Now that I have yet another surgery scheduled for 2 weeks from tomorrow I am going to ensure that I get a will written.

I tend to only think of writing a will when I am going through something that makes me consciously think about "what happens if...". Situations like surgery, international trips for work (when I am going alone and Zack is staying home), getting caught on the side of a mountain during a major thunderstorm and other occasions where something scares the crap out of me all make think I need to write a will. Besides writing a will I need to ensure I have documented where all my important financial accounts are and how to access them. In this day and age when you do so many of your financial transactions online, you really need to do something to document your account numbers and how you access the account. If not, the people you leave behind could be high and dry when it comes to retrieving your money.

On top of financial matters, I have written so much stuff on this blog and other places I want Zack and my family to know what my passwords are so that they can retrieve everything. Furthermore I don't think anyone is even aware of all the writing and family history research I have done over the years. I don't want all of this information to be lost if I have a bad day and get hit by a falling piece of space junk while I am outside.

Tomorrow evening I will begin work on my will. My intention is to use the online service offered by LegalZoom. They used to offer wills for $75 - but that was several years ago, I am sure their prices have gone up. There will also be complexity to the will as there will be the need to set up trusts and things like that so Zack is financial taken care of, but also so that he couldn't do something crazy with the money before he really knows what he is doing. Therefore I am sure it will cost more than $75 dollars but it should still be reasonable priced.

Let me be clear about one thing - just because I am writing a will and saying this stuff it doesn't mean that I think I am going to have problems with my back surgery. On the contrary, I think it will go marvelously, I am just owning up to something I have to do that all adults should do!

Today was kind of another "wasted" day. Since I can't do much where my back doesn't hurt, we frequently end up staying home. I call today "wasted" because it was such a wonderful day outside and I can't go out for a hike or a even a decent walk. I got plenty of work done around the house today but it would have been so much nicer to be out for a walk instead.

Since there were two football games on today, I turned them on so I could at least listen to them while I did stuff around the house. There were plenty of clothes washed and folded, bills paid and mail gone through. So a lot was accomplished while I listened to/watched the football games.

This evening we went out to dinner with Tim, Celinde, Cole and Celinde's parents. Nancy did not come as she still is not feeling well. I can't really figure it out with her. She is telling me she doesn't feel well, but she is still spending most of her time out and about at Cranbrook. She is also telling me she doesn't like it there but yet she spends most of her time socializing. So I really don't know what the story is. Regardless she didn't want to come to dinner with us at Maggiano's. We went to dinner tonight because Cole had a birthday party to go to last night and Tim and Celinde went out to a show. So we did the family B-day get together today instead of on my actual birthday.

(Celinde's parents Bill and Doerga, Celinde and my brother Tim)

(Cole and Zack at dinner)

(Me with the plate of unbelievably tasty lemon cookies from Maggiano's)

After dinner we headed over to Tim and Celinde's for a cookie cake and so that they could give me a present that they had gotten. The present wasn't too much of a surprise since Tim had asked me what I wanted. They got me a remote controlled model airplane. It is one that I have to finish building and buy and put an engine into it. Deciding upon the type of engine to use will be the first key thing - I can either use a gasoline or electric engine. I'll need to read up on the differences and decide what kind to go with. But it will be fun building it and then taking it out to fly. I probably won't be flying it until April once the weather warms and the model airplane airfields aren't covered in snow.

We are back home now for the evening. I am going to sit down and watch some TV with Zack before he has to head to bed. He already had his Ability tablet for the evening so I know he will be getting sleepy soon!

On another note, I have started to track what country visitors to this blog come from. I started doing this yesterday evening and I can review the last 500 visitors to the blog. This took me from January 14 back to January 10. I can review this information via the counter that I have embedded on the blog. It keeps track of where (country and city) people are located who read the blog, their IP addresses and what time they access the blog. The absolutely amazing thing is in the 4 day span from January 10th to January 14th I had visitors from over 29 countries (30 if you include the USA). I don't know but I think that is pretty darn amazing! I remember when I first started the blog I personally knew everyone who read the blog. I could figure who blog to each IP address that accessed the blog. Now it is absolutely impossible to figure that out. On average the blog is getting between 100 and 120 hits per day. Just my subscription base to the blog is over 130 people - there are 90+ people subscribed through blogger's notification service and then another 40 or so subscribed through the Feedblitz e-mail notification service. The bottom line is the blog is starting to get busy (lol - I don't mean get busy like that!). It's going to be interesting to track all the different countries people who read this thing come from.

I hope everyone had a great weekend!

Thanks and peace to all! ~J.

Thanks for the Birthday Wishes!

2012-01-14T22:11:00.001-07:00

Oh my - I am now officially 46 years old! Gees where has the time gone? You never think that time is going to fly by that quickly and you are going to end up being 46! But I guess the alternative is much worse. :-)

I wanted to thank everyone for all the birthday wishes that were sent my way today via phone calls, e-mails and Facebook posts! All I can say is everyone made me feel really good today!

Today has been a relatively uneventful day for us. We spent most of the day here at home with me doing work around here. I guess you can tell you are getting old when you spend most of your birthday choosing to do work. This evening Zack and I went out to dinner at PF Changs at Park Meadows Mall. We went at 6:30PM and we didn't even have to wait for a table because everyone was watching the Broncos game. We managed to get a seat where we could see a TV and watch the game. At least I watched the game as Zack sat there playing a video game for most of the meal. Thankfully he wasn't fear mongering too badly, but lets put it this way the conversation with him wasn't exactly sparkling!

Yesterday we did the RV show at the Denver Conventions Center. As soon as Zack got home from school we took off for downtown. We drove Skylar Turner, one of the kids on the street with us as he was meeting his mom after she got off from work. The RV show was pretty good this year as I got lots of ideas of campers in which we might be interested. After the RV show we went across the street to the Hyatt and ate dinner at the Peaks Lounge which is a bar on the 27th floor of the hotel. After that we headed home and made a night of it. I kept it very low key because I wanted to get Zack to bed somewhat early as he started his new medication last night. Starting on Friday night he is taking 1/2 of a 5MG Abilify tablet. He will take 1/2 of a tablet until Wednesday of this week when he will start taking a full tablet. I am just hoping and praying the Abilify makes the difference for him. I hate to see him go through the hell of these anxiety meltdowns. What I hate the most is how he looks. You can tell from his eyes and the look on his face how tortured he is by all of this. When these anxiety meltdowns take place his eyes become dull and flat and loss their wonderful sparkle.

(Zack in awe of row after row of campers at the RV show.)

(Yeah that really is the inside of a camper. Please tell me what about any of this is camping?)

(Zack behind the wheel of $100,000 and something like 30 feet of RV. There is no way I could imagine driving that thing!)

(This one wasn't anywhere near as long as the one above but it's just as pricey because it was a Mercedes Benz!)

So overall the weekend has been very low key for a birthday weekend. It is quite a difference from last year which ranks up there among the best birthday's I have ever had. That weekend I was taken away by Shelly to Evergreen to stay at the Highlands Haven Bed and Breakfast. We had dinner at the Willow Creek Restaurant overlooking Evergreen Lake and we explored the Little Bear Bar. It was a great birthday weekend in 2011. I guess you can't have such good birthdays every year.

The more social component of my birthday will come tomorrow when Tim and Celinde are taking me out to dinner. Bill and Doerga are even coming down from Longmont. I am not sure if Nancy is going to be up to going as when I talked to her today she was not feeling the best. My birthday wish for Nancy is that she could get over what all is going on with her and start feeling better.

I think that is it for the day. I have kind of given myself a break from writing today. Don't get me wrong, I love to write, that is why I do this, but right now I am more interested in sitting on the couch and watching a show on DVR or putting a DVD of "The Sons of Anarchy" into the DVD player and watching. I just feel like relaxing tonight, but I wanted to write at least a rudimentary blog entry to post something.

And to all the Broncos fans out there - I am sorry they lost but the Patriots were just too overpowering. I don't think it really matters I as believe the Super Bowl is going to be the Ravens versus the Packers.

Thanks again for all the birthday wishes! I hope everyone is having a good weekend.

Thanks and peace to all! ~J.

Analyzing Anxiety, Back Surgery, Some News Articles and A Birthday

2012-01-12T19:47:00.000-07:00

Today's blog entry has two distinct pieces. There is a serious section that deals with two major problems that have plagued us for a while. The second section is a tab bit more whimsical and is about some off beat news stories that caught my eye today.

To the serious stuff first....

Since Sunday morning we have been dealing with a significant upsurge in Zack's anxiety. At first I did what I normally do in these cases and I put in place consequences and rewards for Zack to improve his behavior. As is somewhat predictable in the cases of Zack's serious anxiety meltdowns these didn't work. I kept on insisting that Zack take personal responsibility for his actions and behavior. It was only this morning that I realized he had no control over the situation. Zack's brain chemistry has become utterly out of balance and he is not able to bring his anxiety under control. To help the situation somewhat and get it temporarily under control until his psychologists and psychiatrist can come up with a long term solution, I have given him the drug Klonopin. This drug is like Xanax and Ativan in the fact that it provides immediate resolution to anxiety related issues. However it has no where near the sedating and "high like" effects of Xanax and Ativan. It has seemed to work the last several days and he has been able to function to some degree at school.

This afternoon I spent a large amount of time on the phone with both his psychologist and his psychiatrist. After much discussion his psychiatrist has arrived at what could be a very radical departure from the line of thinking that has applied to Zack's diagnosis and treatment for a long time. Since the first time Zack exhibited the symptoms of anxiety back in October of 2006, the assumed diagnosis has been that Zack has Generalized Anxiety Disorder and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. (This diagnosis was made by the first psychiatrist he saw back in October of 2006 and it has just by default been followed since then.) But the fact is Zack's condition has not followed traditional anxiety and OCD progression. The way things change on dime in the fact that he can go from a really good state to a very bad state so quickly is one major difference. Another difference is the way that he is affected by a major meltdown every December/January. It may be that he is actually suffering from what is called a "mood disorder" and the anxiety and OCD are just symptoms of this as opposed to the root cause. His psychiatrist was willing to speculate that he could actually be suffering from bipolar disorder as opposed to an anxiety disorder. If that is the case he has been on the wrong class of drugs for this entire time. It also means that the approach used for his psychotherapy would need to be different than the approach that has been used to this point.

If this is the case it would be a very big deal and would change every that is being done to treat him. His psychiatrist was going to spend some time this evening reviewing his file and doing some thinking. She will be calling me back tomorrow to further discuss her thinking. Hopefully tomorrow this time we will have a new set of prescriptions in hand and it will provide Zack with part of the resolution to this problem that has bothered him for so long.

Additionally, next week I am going to be facilitating a meeting between Zack's 2 psychologists, his psychiatrist and his support team at school. Hopefully this coordinated effort will allow everyone to come up to speed with what is the true diagnosis and put in place a complete plan to manage this new diagnosis. I am cautiously optimistic about this new diagnosis and approach. I just hope and pray that this new diagnosis is the actual problem and we can proceed to help Zack get over these problems and be much happier with life!

This morning I had an appointment with the neurosurgeon. We spent the appointment talking about what the current symptoms of my back issue are and what are the ramifications of having surgery done to correct the problem. He confirmed that if I haven't seen improvement after what has been done and after this condition has existed for as long as it has then it is not likely I will ever seem improvement if I just let it go. The condition does not require surgery as I could go on living with the pain and taking regular doses of pain killers to manage it. However if I do that it is going to leave me in a situation where my life is restricted by the pain. For example, I find it hard to walk long distances because after 1/4 mile or so regardless of how much pain killer I take I am normally in great amounts of pain. Though technically this condition doesn't require surgery, for me to live the way I wish to live - being active, exercising and pushing my body athletically, surgery is the only way the pain is every going to go away.

The doctor explained exactly what will happen in the surgery. Everything he told me is pretty much what I already understood. There were only 2 things that were different than my understanding. First, the surgeon will actually cut me open as opposed to doing everything laparoscopically. He will cut a 2 - 3 inch incision down the left side of my spine. This incision will be used to push away my muscles from the vertebrae and do the cutting or pulling of the damaged disc. The other difference from what I had previously understood is that he will also take off small portions of my bone from two of my vertebrae. This will give him more room to work and also allow for relief of some of the pressure on my nerves.

My surgery is scheduled for January 30th at 9:00AM at Littleton Adventist Hospital and will take approximately 1.5 hours. Due to the significance of the incision and the possibility of some pretty good pain while the surgeon is poking and prodding at my nerves, they will use general anaesthesia for my sedation. Additionally, because it is defined as neurosurgery I will be admitted as an inpatient and will not be discharged until the following day. However, once I am discharged as long as I feel good I can do pretty much anything I want with the exception of lifting heavy weights. Six weeks after surgery all restrictions will be lifted and I can get back to normal life. Given my general good health and strong core muscles, the surgeon estimated that there is a 95% chance that I will have complete resolution of all pain associated with this injury. I am really hopefully that is the case!

Ok - one to the more whimsical stuff....

Each day I scan about 20 or 30 different Internet sites dedicated to news and current events and read some of the more interesting stories on them. Today there were a number of off beat stories that caught my attention and I wanted to share.

- North Korea is to permanently put Kim Jong-Il's body on display. Is that quite necessary? Didn't the entire world see enough of him and his paranoid ways when he was alive? Please bury him and be done with it! The story is at: http://www.globalpost.com/dispatch/news/regions/asia-pacific/120112/kim-jong-il-body-permanent-display-pyongyang

- Scotland to hold binding independence referendum in the autumn of 2014. What is the world coming to - England and Scotland are to split? That just seems wrong to me. Granted I am not a Scotsman, but it seems like England and Scotland go together like fish and chips. Sad! The story is at: http://www.guardian.co.uk/politics/2012/jan/11/scottish-independence-referendum-autumn-2014?newsfeed=true

(Scottish national coat of arms)

- Medical team drops heart headed for transplant. The word clumsy really doesn't explain this one. Next time put the cooler with the heart in it on a gurney so you can't drop it! The story is at: http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/45965848/ns/health/#.Tw76XIGyBcU

- Size 6 is now a plus size in the modeling industry. Freaks!! Yes - freaks! Anyone who would consider size 6 to be a plus size is a freak!! I hate the whole thought that for some one (whether woman or man) to be considered attractive they have to be so freaking thin. This is just insane! The human body was not made to be like the way these models portray people to be. To all my female readers - I think this is absolutely nuts and I think the most attractive women are women who look real and who have curves. (Regardless - the most important thing is being happy with who you and not killing yourself to maintain some image that someone else wants you to have.) None of this stick model crap for me! The story is at: http://www.foxnews.com/entertainment/2012/01/11/new-magazine-editorial-highlights-shocking-differences-between-plus-size-and/

- Guinness Brewing to build massive new brewery. I personally am not a big fan of Guinness. The only way I enjoy Guinness is if you use your pint to make an "Irish Car Bomb" (a pint of Guinness with a shot of Bailey's Irish Creme dropped in it and then chugged). Regardless of my tastes a lot of people really enjoy their Guinness. So many people enjoy it that Guinness Brewing is building a new plant that can churn out 1.2 billion pints of beer per year. Yes - that is billion with a B. Guinness drinkers everywhere are celebrating. The story is at: http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/45973979/ns/business-world_business/#.Tw8fAIGyBcU

(A perfectly poured pint of Guinness!)

- Astronomers have found a real life example of Luke Skywalker's two sunned planet Tatooine. Do you remember that scene from the original Star Wars where Luke Skywalker is standing outside his aunt and uncle's home looking off into the distance as the 2 suns of Tatooine set? Up until now scientists always thought it was impossible to have a planet like that as they figured the gravitational forces of the 2 suns would pull the thing apart. This planet was found by the Keplar space observatory which is a space based telescope specifically built to search for exoplanets (planets outside of our solar system) and has so far found a total of 2326 possible planets. For those of you from Colorado, Keplar was built in a joint effort between NASA's Jet Propulsion Laboratory (JPL) and Boulder based Ball Aerospace. The story is at: http://www.livescience.com/17867-alien-planets-2-suns-tatooine-star-wars-aas219.html

(The famous picture of Luke Starwalker looking at the 2 setting suns of Tatooine.)

Hopefully these were interesting stories that you might not have heard on the news as they all seem a little off beat to me. I really enjoy reading stuff and then being able to share it with my friends and family. It gives me a little smile and a lot of joy to share stuff like this. I hope you all enjoyed!

This weekend is my birthday! So far I really don't have any major plans. Tomorrow I am picking Zack up after school and we are heading downtown for the RV show. It's a lot of fun looking around and seeing all the stuff that they cram into those things these days. Eventually I hope Zack and I can buy some kind of camper to further our hiking goals. But I won't be buying it at the RV show as those things are so expensive. Instead we'll probably buy it off of Craigslist or at an auction. After the RV show if it isn't too late we are going to head over to the Hyatt and get some dinner at the Peaks Lounge which is on the 27th floor and has a wonderful view of the mountains.

Saturday morning I plan to make a birthday cake for myself. I don't want any store bought cake.... So I am going to make myself one. I really want to make this chocolate cake in which you put vinegar in the batter, but I don't have the recipe as it was one that Shelly used to make. (Let me tell you it was one of the best cakes I have ever tasted. Plus the icing she would put on it - wow it was to die for!) Instead I am going to make a Red Velvet cake for myself

Also on Saturday I believe I am getting some decorating ideas about the new kitchen and family room. I say I believe that because I need to send and e-mail and confirm that my friend is coming over on Saturday. After that we will most likely head to the Stock Show. To be honest I don't really care what we do on Saturday, I just want to get out of the house for the day. Because of the crap going on with my back and leg we really haven't gone out that much recently and I just want to get out. To manage all the walking there I will either need to take a bunch of pain pills or just drink a lot of alcohol while I am there! Right now I am tending towards the drinking as for the last month I have really not drank that much alcohol at all.

Sunday we are getting together with my family and some other folks for brunch. That is the only real formal birthday activity that Zack and me have planned for the weekend. I am sure if we have time we will watch football on both Saturday and Sunday. Now that the Steelers are out of the playoffs my interest has dropped off dramatically.

Have a great Friday tomorrow!

Thanks and peace to all!

Wordless Wednesday - Pastoral Tranquility

2012-01-11T19:44:00.003-07:00

( Pastoral scene from the Outer Hebrides Islands on the North Coast of Scotland. Photo is courtesy of the National Geographic. To me this scene brings thoughts of the ocean, the Middle Ages and endless horizons filled with land meeting water. Truly beautiful if you ask me!)

Integration Please!!!

2012-01-11T19:44:00.002-07:00

Even though a "Wordless Wednesday" post has already been posted I had this subject running through my head all day so I wanted to put thought to "paper" and write this post.

This week the greatest consumer product exhibition is taking place this week in Las Vegas with the Consumer Electronics Show (CES). This exhibit is held once a year and is the ever where all the great electronics companies (with the notable exception of Apple) come together to announce new products, gadgets and gimmicks to the delight and amazement of the press and consumers like you and me. Having never been to this trade show but having heard lots and lots about the event, it seems like it must be a ton of fun and totally astonishing.

The new and futuristic products that are unveiled there each year are at the cutting edge of the limits of our technology. Many of the products shown off are just prototypes and many of them never become real consumer products. Even if these products never reach the market they are indicators of what the future holds. This year one of the most talked about new types of product prior to the show are TV's based upon OLED (Organic Light Emitting Diode) technology. Many of the OLED TV sets shown at the CES will never be sold to consumers as these products are still in the prototype phase. But when TV sets based upon the technology finally roll out to consumers in 2013 they will be radically different than today's TVs as some will be thinner than 1/4 or even 1/8 of an inch. There has been some speculation that OLED based technology will eventually be able to be turned into a liquid film that can be applied to the wall like paint. This would allow for TV screens in your home of immense size and proportion.

Every year that I read about the CES I am always waiting to hear of a different kind of product that would make life much easier. Yet despite the need for this product that I am imagining it never seems to happen, it always remains a pie in the sky that can't be reached. The product that I so passionately desire is a product that allows for us to seamless exchange and integrate data - things like ebooks, apps, calendars, music, video, etc between all the different consumer electronics products that are already on the market.

Let's face it when you decide either Mac or PC, Kindle or iPad, Android phone or iPhone you are locking yourself into a closed world of specific data types. It doesn't makes sense to spend hundreds of dollars buying books to read on a Kindle and then decide that you really like the iPad as an eReader better because you would have to buy the books all over again in the Apple iPad book format. Same thing for apps that you use on your phone. Once you start buying iPhone apps it makes it hard to switch to an Android based phone because your investment in the apps you have purchased for your iPhone will be worthless as they don't run on the Android based phones.

It really doesn't make a lot of sense. Every time new technology platforms come out we go through these senseless "data wars". It is like the conflict back in the early 1980's over betamax or VHS. Or the conflict in the last 1990's over DVD formats. But in each of those two cases the battle was won and one standard was established. The idea that we will ever get to a universal eReader format seems like it is years or decades down the line. As for apps.... there most likely will never be a standard at all due to the fact that they are programs and the architecture of the phone's operating systems is different.

My specific frustration right now is due to my e-mail and calendar. My company uses a program called Lotus Notes for e-mail and calendar functions. Lotus Notes runs specifically on the PC and I am not aware of any version that runs on a Mac. So all my work e-mail and calendar information is in a format that is only supported on a PC. I am moving my personal e-mail to be web-based so that makes my e-mail less of an issue, but I keep all my personal calendar information on my Mac because I can sync it with my iPhone. But because no one has defined a universal, standard calendar data type, there is no way I can coordinate my two different calendars into one calendar that has both my work and personal schedules in it.

It would seem to be so very easy to standardize this information types across the different computer types and programs. But no company has the will, determination or desire to do this. If they would create one universal data type for calendars and other things - like ebooks, etc. It would make everything much more portable and universally available. My personal belief is that most companies don't want to do this because would eliminate their ability to dictate to the customer what kind of software and ebooks the customer must buy. Which in turn would take away some of their profits.

Just imagine the power you would have in your hands if all of your data could be seamless integrated into one large data set that you could access from electronic device - from your phone, from your tablet, from your computer (if those are even going to exist as separate devices in the future), from your TV or even from the on-board computer in your car! The links and different ways of combining your data would be unbelievable and would make so many of your day-to-day tasks that much quicker and easier. You would always have access to your information from just about anywhere you were. It would be a very neat thing if it ever could come about!

Just wanted to mention a little bit more about my wordless Wednesday entry. I saw the picture that is the focus of my wordless Wednesday post on the National Geographic "Picture of the Day' page and I fell in love with it. The Outer Hebrides Islands are part of Scotland and are one of the most remote and isolated part of the United Kingdom. The population of all the islands that make up the Outer Hebrides is a little over 26,000. That means there are plenty of the islands that are uninhabited and very desolate. For me I just found these islands to be very interesting. If you are interested in reading more about them, here is a link to an article on Wikipedia about them: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Outer_Hebrides. The article is a quick but fascinating read.

Today was a very cold and snowy day here in Denver. It was one of those days in which you just want to stay inside and curl up by the fire. But that wasn't my plan for the day as I had an early morning dentist appointment. It was just a teeth cleaning so no drilling, but I do have an old filing that has come out that I need to go back and get re-filled. It was also cleaning lady day, which I absolutely love as the house is clean and smells all good!

Zack had a psychologist appointment this afternoon. There is definitely a lot going on with Zack and his anxiety this week - unfortunately. I might have come up with a kick butt idea this evening to help him out. I need to spend some time thinking it through before I put it into action. I'll talk about it here on the blog at some later point as I think it is an interesting approach to help him out. It may make sense but then again, it might be really stupid!

Well that is it for this evening. Time to watch a little bit of TV with Zack before he has to go up and get ready for bed.

Thanks and peace to all! ~J.

The World of Tanks

2012-01-10T19:40:00.000-07:00

I have a weakness. It seems to come out every couple of years in the middle of winter. As the days grow short and the weather turns cold my mind becomes filled with thoughts of war, one-on-one battles, violence, blood, guts and gore! Yes - I will admit it, I have a thing for first person shooter video games!

It has been a number of years since I have really played these games. I got a Modern Warfare video game for a birthday present a couple of years ago and that was the last time I really got into them. This winter I believe my interest in playing these games is occurring because my back injury is preventing me from being very active. Whatever the reason, my interest in first person shooter video games is definitely on an upturn this year.

The game I have chosen to play this winter is called World of Tanks. It is an online game in which you compete in teams. Each team is made up of 15 people. You are the commander of a tank from WWII. Two teams compete against each other in a game of capture the flag. The goal of the game is for your team to either destroy all the enemy tanks or occupy their HQ area (the flag) for 100 seconds without being driven off.

The game is very technically accurate as the tanks have all the attributes of the real tanks used in WWII. As you gain more experience and win more battles you can upgrade the tank you command and even modify the different attributes (i.e. engine, gun, suspension, armor, etc.) of your tank. When you join the game you start with a light tank that is essentially cannon fodder as you have very little armor and your main gun doesn't penetrate the armor of the medium and heavy tanks very well. At that point your main defense is your speed. As you survive battles and kill other tanks you gain experience. With your increased experience you have the option to upgrade various components of your tank. After you have gained enough experience you have the ability to upgrade from a light tank to a medium tank and so forth.

(Screen shot from the game of the tank that I fight with. This is before the battle begins. It is classified as a German Panzer PzKpfw B2.)

(This screen shot is my tank and one of my teammates rolling into battle.)

(Unfortunately sometimes I have a string of bad luck and I end up like this - destroyed and on fire. Right before I got hit in this battle I did manage to take out one of the "enemy".)

I started playing this game a week or two before Zack and I went to North Carolina for the holidays and I have gotten pretty good at it. I now have a heavy tank with some significant armor. I am still working to get enough experience to retro-fit the tank with armor piercing rounds of ammunition, but that may take a bit. My problem with the game is that I will start playing after Zack has gone to bed and then stay up way too late destroying the enemy!

The game has a pretty massive audience. From what I have read the company that developed the game has several different servers for each geographical area of the world - The US, Western Europe, Asia, Australia, etc. The server I attached to for North America normally has almost 15,000 people attached and hundreds of battles taking place at one time.

This whole subject sounds extremely geeky I do realize. But as I finally get my back healed and the days get longer the playing of this game will become a distant memory. In some ways I almost feel like an utter dork writing about this, but it is part of who I am right at this moment. I rather not be spending time on stuff like this, but while I am waiting to my surgery and my back to heal it is good to have something mindless to do. I suppose it is no worse than watching Jersey Shore. (Oh wait... I do that too! Just joking as I gave up Jersey Shore about 2 episodes into the Italian season, as it no longer floated my boat.) Anyway, for now it is just something to do to occupy the time that I would normal be going to the gym, going for a hike or just being out and about.

If anyone is interested in checking out the game you can find the website at http://www.tank.tm or http://www.worldoftanks.com You need to download a software client to your computer and if you want to get some of the more significant features you do have to pay to subscribe. But the subscription price is nominal.

It is now less than 48 hours until my appointment with the neurosurgeon. This appointment can't come quickly enough. Though I had the cortisone shot last Thursday it appears to have done nothing for me. In fact the pain levels have increased and there is an increased amount of numbness through my entire lower leg and foot. It is kind of like the scene in the Adam Sandler movie "Mr. Deeds" when Deeds (Sandler) tells his butler that he can't feel anything in his foot and challenges him to hit his foot as hard as possible with a fireplace poker. So if anyone wants to come and smash my foot with a fireplace poker to get out some aggression, feel free to do so as I ain't going to feel a bit of it! The whole thing is actually kind of funny when you think about it - the top of my foot is totally numb! Never had anything like this before in my life!

Coming out of the appointment on Thursday I hope to have my surgery scheduled. Just getting that on the calendar and knowing when I might start feeling better is going to be a huge thing for me.

I haven't mentioned this before, but it is a little project that I am working on so I should get it out there.. With the new year I have implemented a new e-mail address. For the last 17 years I have used my jkromer@ix.netcom.com e-mail for all of my personal e-mail. The address is a bizarre address since it has been around for so long. Netcom was the first ISP that I had when I signed up for Internet service back in 1994. That company has long since been absorbed by other companies and is now part of Earthlink. Due to the manner in which the account is supported by Earthlink I can't send e-mail from my iPhone. Therefore I am starting a gradual switch to the usage of a new e-mail account. That account is Jerry.Kromer@hotmail.com. Hotmail was the only big e-mail provider that had Jerry.Kromer available. I would have preferred to use GMail since I use Google for so much but they had nothing like Jerry.Kromer available, so I went with Hotmail. All of the e-mail that is sent to jkromer@ix.netcom.com is being forwarded to Jerry.Kromer@hotmail.com so either account will work for now. Eventually once I have all my subscriptions changed and have informed the entire world, I will get rid of the netcom address, but that is probably going to take several months to reach that point.

That's about it for now! Have a great evening!

Thanks and peace to all! ~J.

Fulfillment

2012-01-09T19:26:00.002-07:00

It is 7:25AM and I wanted to start writing this entry while the thoughts were fresh in my head. I have been up for a while as I got Zack up early so that he could take care of doing all the things he needs to do to get ready for school. It is my constant mantra - "give Zack the responsibility to take care of himself". But in doing that it takes a lot more time. He moves slower and doesn't do things as well as he might if I were constantly bugging him and telling him what to do. But he needs to have the expectations set that he must become an independent teenager without the constant support of his parent.

Without a doubt I sacrifice a lot of my time to ensure that he is doing the things that he needs to do to grow up. It is a very difficult effort at times and I will not deny that it takes a lot of out me. It would be easier in many cases just to do everything myself and let him get away with being lazy. If I were to do that though I would not be a good parent. He needs to take responsibility for himself. Ultimate I sacrifice of myself because I love him. (Please don't read anything into this that I am saying I am a perfect or even a good parent. That is not the point that I am trying to make. The point I am trying to make is that I do what I do for Zack because I love him. Without a doubt I could do a much better job and be a much better parent to Zack, but I simply do the best I can.)

(Just a random picture from my photo archive to spice up today's blog post. I took this picture in July of 2005 in the Eagle's Nest Wilderness. It is on the northwestern side of Buffalo Mountain. The pass that is slightly to the left of the center of the picture is Uneva Pass.)

Because of our love for our children we are pretty much willing to do anything for them that helps them grow and become better people. This isn't a statement about just me - this is a statement about parents in general. We make sacrifices of ourselves to give them the opportunities that we didn't have as kids. We work hard to give them the lives that we think they should have. Of course, in today's day and age this often comes back to haunt us when our kids think they are entitled to so much. I have a great example of that regarding Zack. When he was much younger, I used to fly for my work all the time. As a result, United Airlines gave me more first class upgrades than I really knew what to do with. Whenever we would fly as a family, I would usually put Patty and Zack in first/business class and fly in coach. Zack unfortunately got used to that and at times gives he a hassle because we never fly business/first class any more. Oh well Zack! Get used to it, most people never get to fly business/first class even once in their lives!

I am discussing this whole issue to make a point. Though most people would not say it, they are many ways in which they would be better off if they didn't have kids and instead concentrated on their own needs. The one obvious area in which people would not be better off is that they would lose out emotionally and spiritually. Without our children we would be much poorer from an emotional standpoint. Even if we have an extremely difficult time with our children - if they become disabled, have a long-term illness, get in trouble, hardly anyone every gives up on their children. Despite the emotional and mental pain and turmoil we might feel, we still soldier on loving our children like there is no tomorrow. Even with a ton of difficulty that takes years from our lives no one is willing to walk away from their children.

My point in saying this is simple, if we are willing to make those kinds of sacrifices and suffer that kind of pain for our children, why aren't we willing to do the same for other people we love? How many times do you talk to a friend who has gone through a breakup or a divorce and they tell you they had to get out of the relationship because it was too hard on them, or they weren't getting what they needed from the relationship, etc. We can make all these tremendous sacrifices for our children but when we face the same kind of challenges from our spouse or partners it is just OK to ditch the relationship and walk away - even if we love our spouse or partner. Why is there any kind of difference in this equation? We will accept just about anything from our children because we love them but we don't have the same kind of tolerance for our partners. I realize not all people love their spouses/partners and I guess that can make a huge difference in the equation.

Now that I have made that point I can get to the bottom of that for which I am really aiming. Yeah - for my long term readers you probably know where this is going. The point goes back to the relationship that I had with Shelly. It wasn't an easy relationship. I wasn't all Shelly's fault nor was it all my fault. (OK - I did really fuck up by dating Shelly and Carrie at the same time. That was totally my fault - Shelly didn't deserve that and I was pretty much a shithead about that.) Regardless of whether it was easy or not, I did love Shelly immensely. The turmoil that I went through as a result of the relationship was well worth it because of the amount of emotional satisfaction that I got from it. And yet despite that intense emotional satisfaction I received lots of advice I needed to get out of the relationship because of the turmoil. That is like telling me that I need to walk away from Zack because he causes me a lot of emotional turmoil. (Let me tell you Zack does cause me an immense amount of emotional turmoil. I am quite sure that his anxiety and OCD complexes have taken years off of my life.)

Maybe loving Shelly wasn't/isn't easy. But I am sure loving me isn't easy either. Because of where I have been in life I bring a lot of baggage to the table. With all that baggage there is no way it easy to love me. Regardless of all that, I think it is worth it to love Shelly and to be involved in her life. The rewards that she brought to me in terms of so many different aspects of our relationship are/were well worth the difficulties. I obviously can't make the same statement for Shelly as I don't know exactly what she thought. When times were good between us, I do believe she received significant emotional fulfillment from me. Maybe things weren't perfect but in some way, some manner we both received a lot of fulfillment in many different ways from our relationship. Additionally, I don't think we were programmed towards conflict. I believe much of the conflict resulted from the baggage we both brought to the relationship and general circumstances of stress that we both found ourselves under during our relationship.

Though I have no clue whether or not we will ever be together again, I am determined to keep working on those things that will make it easier for Shelly to love me - by taking away more and more of the baggage from the past. The funny thing is, as I work to eliminate that baggage, I realize how much easier it makes my life in general. For example, I have talked about purging myself of large amounts of my possessions that I just don't need or even understand why I have at this point. That makes my life easier because it makes cleaning my house simpler, it makes the place look much more organized and well kept and in general it takes the burden of those possessions off of my back. In the end run I am sure it would make it easier for Shelly or for anyone for that matter to be in my life because I am not weighed down by all this stuff from the past.

Why am I even discussing this point at this time? Because I can't get any of it out of my system. The harder I try to get her out of my system the more I realize that my thoughts and love for Shelly aren't going to depart my mind and my soul. The realization has dawned on me that despite the turmoil of our relationship, it was so worth it to me. There are plenty of people out there that I can date and it is not hard for me to get a date, but that isn't what I want - as I won't get anywhere near the same level of happiness and satisfaction from another relationship. The fact comes down to it that in my heart I really want to be with Shelly. I am not a believer in the whole concept of "soulmates" or anything like that. However I do believe there is a very small and select group of people in this world with whom you are compatible and can develop a relationship that can last a lifetime. Shelly is one of those very few people for me. As hard as I have tried over the last 2 months to kill off the thoughts of her and satisfaction that she gave my soul, I just can't do it. It runs counter to all the advice I have been given by friends and psychologists, but I know for me Shelly is the right thing.

What does all this mean? It means that I am going to be happy and content with being by myself and having Zack and friends to be with. My heart and my mind belong to Shelly. She may not want me now or at any time in the future, but I am going to give it plenty of time. There is the saying that "love will always find a way" and I believe in that. Perhaps to re-build a relationship with Shelly we both have to totally let go and then at some point in the future we will find our way back to each other. That's what I am going to believe and that is how I am going to act. There is a ton of other things that I can do to keep myself busy. For once in my life I can go without the instantaneous gratification of rushing back into a relationship. I've found what I want and it is Shelly and I can wait until fate, destiny or one of us pulls us back together. And yes - I do realize that it may never happen, but I have hope. And my hope entails me thinking that there is love for me in Shelly's heart.

The reality of the situation is so very different than what my heart feels. The reality is that it has been over two months since I have even seen or talked to Shelly. Our break up was pretty dramatic and doesn't reflect well on either of us. I have no idea where in life she has gone. For all I know she might have a new long term boyfriend. I suspect that she has moved from the southeast metro area because when we fought she always told me that she was going to move away and start a new life far from me. I can only assume she made good on that statement as I believe her lease was up at the end of the year. The bottom line is that there is currently no links between us at all. There isn't any hope or plan for us to reunite. There is only the separation between us. Maybe someday I will get the courage to call her or she will call me. Or maybe we will each be out and about at the mall or a restaurant and run into each other. Those are all maybes and there isn't anything certain about any of this situations. But my heart won't let me give up all hope. As I have always said "as long as there is life in this world, there is always hope". So I will keep the flame for Shelly burning in the deepest recesses of my heart as I know "love will find a way".

I will keep the faith and I will continue to write about my feelings for Shelly in this blog every so often. Since my back is still messed up I don't have much to write about so I will take the time every other week or so, to write about what I am feeling and thinking along these lines. Perhaps Shelly will actually read this blog someday or perhaps someone she knows will read it and tell her what I am thinking. Maybe someday she will see that we could build a relationship free from conflict that would provide us both with what we need.

To be continued.....

There isn't a lot to be said for the day. I had to take Nancy to the doctor's today. Though Cranbrook offers rides to resident's doctors offices it is sometimes hard to schedule the van, so it is usually easier if I just take her. The appointment was just a follow up to her ER visit on December 30th.

Today was the first day I would have been in India. I am trying to stay on top of all that is occurring there and I am working with my counterparts there to develop a detailed process improvement plan for the year. On top of that I am attempting to really get my hands around the entire healthcare claims and new membership processes. These are the areas in which we will get the biggest productivity bang for the buck and will lead to the greatest business process improvements this calendar year.

We have several days worth of leftovers in the fridge from last week and this weekend, so I am not going to have to cook that much this week. Though tomorrow I am taking a the remains of a turkey I made last week and making a big vat of turkey and rice soup. I'll cook the carcass to make a really good turkey stock and then use the remaining meat I have to cook a hearty and tasty soup. That will definitely keep us fed for most of the week.

Well - that's about it for the evening. If you have made it to this part of the blog entry all I can say is thanks for reading all my ramblings!

Thanks and peace to all! ~J.

Of Geography, History and.... "Fear Mongering"???

2012-01-08T22:56:00.000-07:00

My last post on Friday was devoid of anything significant because I felt so different than my normal self that day. Thankfully that feeling only lasted for one day and by Saturday I was back to feeling like myself. Based upon the timing of that episode I will chalk it up to side effects of the steroid inject I received on Thursday.

So there is much for me to write about this evening. Thursday afternoon I had a very significant conversation with my manager. In this conversation I talked to her about the challenges I have faced with my back and how much of a physical hardship it would be to travel to India this weekend. She was quite understanding of all that was going on and told me with no uncertain terms that my health and well being needed to come first. The potential impact to my back of 22 hours cramped into a coach seat on a 747 less than 72 hours after having steroids injected directly into my spine was enough for my manager to say without hesitation that I really needed to skip the trip to India for now.

Prior to this conversation with her I had thought through a complete plan of action for how I wanted to handle things. This plan of actions included taking a 6 - 8 week leave of absence to deal with the surgery for my back and recovery. My manager won't hear of it and said that I just needed to do what I needed to do and work would take care of itself for those 6 - 8 weeks. Basically, what she said was work as much as you can during that time and don't worry about it if some weeks you don't work at all, just continue to charge your time as normal. As much as my company is a large corporate behemoth, I am continually amazed by the generosity and thoughtfulness of my individual managers. My current manager certainly has demonstrated that quality time and time again. For that I am so very thankful and I must say my determination to be dedicated to my job and work extremely hard has been reinforced 10 fold by my manager's actions.

After the discussion with my manager I was able to get an appointment scheduled with the surgeon for this coming Thursday. Hopefully by the conclusion of that appointment I will have a definitive time scheduled to undergo surgery!

Our weekend has seemed to fly by in a blur. Throughout the weekend I have been continually amazed and challenged by Zack. I have been amazed by him because he has taken the initiative on several occasions to do a bunch of work that I never would have expected him to do. This is by far not a declaration of victory, but he is starting to get the idea that he has to do things and take responsibility for things. Getting him to this point has been a very hard battle but he really seems to be making some great leaps in this area. For example on Saturday he decided on his own to go out and work in the driveway to remove the layer of ice that had built up since I wasn't able to shovel the snow after the major snow storm in December. He did a great job and removed most of the ice and got it shoveled into the yard or the street.

But then Zack has also been a tremendous challenge this weekend. Today he awoke with a lot of anxiety in his head. We really struggled throughout the day as he had to deal with it and put it far enough in the back of his head to allow him to finish a large amount of homework. By the end of this evening I was pretty much at my wits end with him. As he went to bed this evening I sat down and talked with him about what was going on. And though he had "fear mongered" for a good part of the day, in the calmness of the evening as he lay in bed he was able to own up to the fact that his fears were really caused by the fact that he been thinking a lot about Patty and missing her. He burst out in tears and cried for a good long time. This was one of the few times that he has been able to connect his "fear mongering" to his continued grief over the loss of his mom. It wasn't the way I would have like to have spent the day with him, but at least in the end run he was able to connect his anxiety with his deep down sense of loss and grief.

(Despite his "fear mongering" this morning, Zack has a very large project he had to get done for Social Studies this weekend. The project was focused on the geography of Asia. Given my love of geography I sat down next to Zack and watched him work on the project. I used the project as an excuse to spout out all kinds of miscellaneous trivia and knowledge about the geography and history of Asia. It was so much fun for me to sit there and explain to him the history of how Bangladesh became it's own country, how Bhutan has a Gross Happiness Index instead of a Gross Domestic Product, where the Silk Road used to run and how Russia was a key part of the Union of Soviet Socialist Republics. Maybe my college major should have been History instead of Economics and Business Administration!)

Much of the rest of the weekend I spent in major efforts to get things done around here. I fell a little behind this week because of the stomach illness and the steroid inject, so I did have a bunch of catching up to do. But on top of that I am beginning another round of purging. The work that we did over the holiday break with the professional organizer has caused me to see so much else that I am ready to purge. My feeling is this is going to be the biggest purging cycle yet. The only thing that is keeping me from really getting it moving at this point is my back. My back is keeping things moving a little bit slowly but as I heal the speed of the purging is going to pick up. The need to become much freer from possessions continues to grow in me. I see a future in which we are less burdened with our possessions and can find a place where we can truly start living a different life.

Now that my mind has recovered from the roller coast of the first several days of the New Year, going from an extremely excited, determined state to feeling like shit and having my determination go in the toilet, I think I have reached a fairly good equilibrium. However, my mind is still haunted by feelings with which I really don't know what to do. My first thought in the morning is the same as my last thought every night. And despite all the considerable effort to put these thoughts out of my head, they just aren't moving. Instead the strength around these feelings is growing. I am realizing that they aren't going to go away and that maybe despite all the pain and suffering that have been encountered because of them, they - those feelings, are right for me. This coming week I will write yet another blog post about these feelings, because after another week and weekend of working through them I just realize they aren't going anywhere. I know myself well enough - if I were going to get them out of my head I would be making substantial progress at that already. Instead every action I take is only validating these feelings to me. That is all I will say about those feelings for now but I can't keep my mouth shut about those feelings and the person they are for, because I just know those feelings are right. Oh my.....

The week ahead holds a tremendously busy schedule for us. Given I did not travel to India, I am going to be working like a proverbial dog to make up for that. On top of that, Zack's normal after school scheduled is resuming after the time out for the holidays. We also have two events to look forward to next weekend. The RV show is in town and the stock show. We haven't been to the RV show since 2009 but we intend to go and take a look around. We don't go to the RV show with the intention of buying an RV - instead we just go to marvel at all the stuff they put into those things. (If we are ever going to get a camper it is going to be some little pop-up that we buy off of Craigslist or at an auction.) On top of the RV show it is Stock Show season. This year is the 106 Annual National Western Stock Show and Rodeo. Zack and I have been attending every year for the past 4 and we intend to make it there again this year. Zack got to go to the Stock Show with Cole and Celinde today, but he will want to go back with me when I go later this week. My timing could be better as the llamas were on display this weekend and I believe they rotate out by Tuesday. So it looks like I will miss seeing them this year - bummer!

I guess that is about it for the evening. There is still so much more bouncing around in my head I will probably write numerous entries in the week ahead.

To whoever was the very kind soul who took the time to shovel our driveway and side walk today, you are so very much appreciated!! I don't know which one of my neighbors did that, but thank you so very much! My neighbors are fantastic and I truly appreciate the way you have looked out for Zack and me while I have been hamstrung by my back. Thank you so very much!!!

I hope everyone has a great week ahead!

Thanks and peace to all! ~J.

Lex and Finn at Play

2012-01-06T19:57:00.000-07:00

I have been strangely off today. Nothing has seemed right to me. I haven't felt right physically or mental. Even small things like my sense of taste just haven't been right. Though I did not suffer these side effects from the first injections of steroids I had in my back in December, it seems as the steroids I had injected yesterday have played significantly more havoc with me than I would have thought. When I attempted to walk out of the surgical center yesterday, I could barely walk, it was quite disturbing. I had almost no control of my left leg whatsoever. Thankfully that side effect passed within the first 2 hours. Perhaps these side effects are why you can only receive three of these injections per year.

Though I have much to write today, I just cannot put my mind around it. There are many things that ran through my head of which to write about but I can't complete the thought process necessary to make this happen. So instead of writing much I wanted to post some pictures of Lex and Finn at play. Yesterday we ran entirely out of dog food. And though my back didn't want me to do it, I went to Petco and got two 40lb bags of food so that I could fill up both bins of dog food. We have two bins because Lex gets a different food than Finn. Lex has reached the stage that he gets "the old dog" puppy food.

In the past when I would go to Petco, Shelly would often come with me and buy the puppies a set of toys. Since I was there I just couldn't resist - I liked keeping up the tradition that she started. I got Finn and Lex 2 wiener dog soft plushy squeak toys. One is yellow and the other is blue. They went nuts over them. It was so funny to watch Finnegan as he wanted to have both of them in his mouth. He could scarcely fit them both into his mouth so that he could close his jaw.

The following are some of the pictures that I caught of them at play this evening with their new toys! A couple of other comments. Finn is now just about as tall as Lex if you can believe that! The picture of Lex with his head and neck straight up in the air is a way in which he stretches. It is quite funny to see him do that, as he kind of looks like a wolf howling.

Well I hope everyone has a great weekend ahead!

Thanks and peace to all! ~J.

The Difference Twenty-Four Hours Can Make

2012-01-03T20:03:00.001-07:00

This is going to be a relatively short post today. It is amazing the difference 24 hours can make. Yesterday evening when I sat down to write my blog post, I was extremely upbeat, energetic, full of life and hopeful. I did all my writing last night while I was sitting in my bed. I posted the entry shortly before 10:00PM and in keeping with trying to be more healthy in 2012, I turned off the TV and lights at 11:15PM. I fell asleep quickly but I awoke with a start at 1:20AM with a tremendous stomachache.

I lay in bed for another 10 minutes before I couldn't stand it any longer and bolted out of bed and ran to the bathroom. It felt as if my guts exploded as I projectile vomited into the toilet. At some point over the next 4 hours I lost count of the number of times I vomited. I can only estimate that I puked between 13 and 15 times in those 4 hours. At 5:30AM, I called over to Tim and Celinde's house as I knew Celinde normal rose around 5:00AM. My question to her was simple - do you have samples of any anti-nausea medication? Thankfully she did and was willing to bring several packages of the anti-nausea drug Zofran to the house. Once she got there, she took one look at me and said "You better get to the Emergency Room and get some hydration as you look bad." Thankfully the Zofran Celinde gave me was a kind that melted on your tongue and the relief began almost immediately. My brother volunteered to take me to the ER as soon as Cole was on his way to school.

While I waited for Tim to come and get me, I got Zack out of bed and had him kick off his morning activities. I went back to bed and just checked in with him periodically while he got ready. After he got his breakfast, he mentioned that his stomach wasn't feeling that great. I thought he was feeling that way just in sympathy for me. I dozed off for a little bit but was awakened by the sound of poor Zack puking his guts out. Great! Zack was sick too!

My brother got to my house shortly after 7:30AM and we were off to Littleton Hospital. Nancy was still at the house recovering from her horrific vomiting episode of last Friday so she could watch Zack while I went to the ER. I was going to get her back to Cranbrook today.

I spent about 4.5 hours at the ER while they did blood work, gave me 6 injections of IV Zofran and infused 2 liters of fluid into me. The nurse, PA and doctor who assessed me told me that I was definitely dehydrated. The key to me feeling better was to get me hydrated, the vomiting under control and eliminate my fever. The doctor prescribed a bunch of Zofran and some pain pills to deal with the extensive pain I had in my back this morning because of all the vomiting I did over night.

Due to this entire episode, I had to cancel the procedure to have steroids injected into my back. That means my back continues to be in a fairly large amount of pain and my trip to India is now in jeopardy. I left my manager both a voice mail and e-mail this morning explaining the situation. As I sat in the ER trying to sleep while I was hydrating I tried to do a lot of thinking about the situation with my back and the trip to India. I also spent a good bit of time today talking to Celinde, who though she is not my PCP, she certainly knows a lot about my medical situation. The advice that I have received from Celinde is that I really shouldn't make the trip to India - for a couple of key reasons. First because of this illness my immune system is compromised and it would be very easy for me to pick something up in India. Second, with my back in the state it is the likelihood that I experience some kind of pretty significant negative change in my back is pretty high. It could get bad enough that besides the pain, it could escalate to weakness or numbness that would prevent me from walking. (Given I am not getting the steroid shots - the likelihood of this would significantly increase.) Celinde basically told me it would be against medical advice to make the trip as it could have bad consequences for me.

Based upon all of this I am considering a very radical departure from what I discussed in my blog post yesterday. Given how messed up my back is and the fact that today's episode has made resolution of my back longer, I am giving serious consideration to taking a 6 - 8 week medical leave of absence. I won't get paid during that time, but to me it would be worth it to get complete resolution of this whole situation. I am not sure my manager will go along with this, but I am going to put it out there. Your health is so very important and I really just want to get this situation resolved and be healthy again!

Zack is doing better this afternoon/evening. He has only thrown up 3 times and with the Zofran I brought home he has been able to keep drinks down. He will probably end up staying home tomorrow because I don't want him to spread this stuff at school and I want him to go to school feeling his best.

I am very proud of Zack this new year. In the past, the beginning of a new year and going back to school has been a very anxiety ridden time for him. In the weeks leading up to January 1, we talked a lot about how he could prepare himself for the beginning of the year and take ownership of his anxiety. He has done that and has not exhibited his typical beginning of the year anxiety. In my heart I know 2012 is going to be a breakout year for him in terms of overcoming his anxiety, becoming more socially aware and growing more mature. I have all the faith in the world in Zack and I just know he is going to do well. How he handled the beginning of the year has been a shining example of what he is going to achieve in 2012!

I hope you all avoid this nasty stomach virus that is going around. The nurse in the ER said that there has been a huge onslaught of this bug. Please take care of yourselves and keep free of this bad virus. Be healthy!!

Thanks and peace to all! ~J.

And the cycle begins again

2012-01-02T21:35:00.000-07:00

It is January 2, 2012. A new year has begun! With the beginning of each new year my thoughts become a swirl. My thoughts are hopeful, yet melancholy as I reflect upon the year that is just ended and at the same time look forward to the year that is ahead. Dreams of what will be are mixed with regrets of what could have been and thoughts of the goals that were conquered. It is a time to reflect and a time to celebrate and also a time to look ahead and plan all the great things that are going to happen in the new year.

I am a person of lists. During the first 2 weeks of each year, I create a plan of what I am going to doing in the coming year. As the old year ends and the new year begins, I assess my list of goals for the just completed year and see how my accomplishments compare against my plans. Unfortunately 2011 didn't turn out exactly the way I had planned. A stress-fractured fibula in my left leg that was followed by a herniated disc in my back prevented me from accomplishing many of my goals. All of my athletic goals for 2011 were thwarted by these injuries. It is hard to hike 500 miles, climb 5 fourteen thousand foot mountains, work out at the gym 100 times and ride my bike for over 1000 miles when you are dealing with these kinds of injuries. Achieving other goals like getting several large house projects done, reading 25 books, organizing my stamp collection and donating a bunch of blood to Bonfils are doable even with a broken leg! As a result my achievements for 2011 are a mixed lot of success and failure.

In general I can't say that I am very satisfied with the outcome of 2011. Obviously the injury played a very significant part in my dissatisfaction with the year. Another issue was the overall direction of my life - particularly in the relationship area. The entire year was a state of flux and I felt as if I were a yo-yo - being taken from extreme to another without any control.

2011 is now the past and 2012 is the present. Regardless of what happens 2012 will be a better year than this most recently past year. This year is starting with a bang as there are a ton of things happening in very quick order. The work year gets off to a very quick start with a series of conference calls all this week in preparation for a trip to India that starts on January 7th. On a personal level things will also get off to a quick start as I will be undergoing another medical procedure tomorrow - Tuesday, January 3rd to help stabilize my back pain in advance of my trip to India.

Shortly after I return from India on January 14th I am anticipating that I will be undergoing surgery to repair once and for all the herniated disc in my back. The surgery will remove a significant portion of the disc between my L5 and S1 vertebra and ease the pressure on my nerves - which should eliminate the extreme pain in my back, my hips and my leg. I will meet with the neurosurgeon later this week to discuss the surgery and hopefully get the exact date and time for the surgery scheduled.

On top of all these activities Zack has a lot of things going on that will launch him onto success and great things for the year. During the time that I am in India he will have to adjust to being without me for an entire week. Right now my plans for what will happen during that week are not yet totally completed, but regardless of where he spends the week, it will enable him to grow and mature.

The lists of plans and activities for 2012 is going to be very long when it is complete. I have a lot of missed time to make up for from 2011. We have big vacations planned and many other adventures that we are going to get up to. On top of those adventures, I will be working to expand my social circle. In that area my goal is to add 5 people to my list of friends that I can call at a moments notice with whom I can go out and do something.

There is some uncertainty in all of these plans. One of the big objects of uncertainty is whether or not we will continue to live in our current home. The place has really gotten too big for us. There are several big projects that are scheduled for the winter/spring, but after that the place would be in order to sell. There are many things that factor into the decision of what we will do, so there isn't an easy answer to that question at this point. All I can say for now is that time will tell and whatever way we go, it will be the right decision for Zack and me.

As this year starts I do feel inspired and eager to take up the new challenges that face me. As soon as I am 100% physically healed, I will hold my head high and charge into the new year with a determination, purpose and positive attitude that I have not had in several years. It will be a good year no matter what!

The energy and determination I feel toward this year is best illustrated by the Shakira song - "Waka Waka (This Time for Africa)". This is a great song that is upbeat and shows a lot of joy and determination. This is going to be my theme song for this year!

The last couple of days around here have definitely been interesting. Last Friday morning I had to go to the airport to pick up Tim, Celinde and Cole who were on their way back from North Carolina. Before I left to get them I called Nancy. When I reached her she sounded like absolutely crap. On the way back from the airport, I stopped at Cranbrook so Celinde could take a look at Nancy. The sight was not pretty as Nancy was extremely sick. Celinde ended up taking her to the hospital ER to get her checked out as she looked pretty dehydrated. Nancy spent the day in the ER getting pumped full of fluids and antibiotics. Thankful she wasn't so sick that she was admitted for an overnight stay. However Nancy felt sick enough that she wanted to stay at the house. The next day because she was so sick it totally changed all my plans for New Years Eve. But she is at last feeling well enough and will be going back to Cranbrook tomorrow. This is obviously not the best situation that we have faced and it is easy to see that Nancy is really starting to show her 80 years of age.

Today we also had our second sessions with the professional organizer. She has done wonders in a very short period of time to get Zack's room in a much more organized state. She will be returning one more time to work with Zack on an overall organization plan and to teach him some important lessons about getting organized and staying organized. Having the support of the profession organizer has definitely been worth it as it has sped up our cleaning and organizing process. It is amazing how quickly you can make decisions about what to get rid of when you have a professional organizer looking over your shoulders!

There are a ton of different thoughts and ideas that are running through my head tonight, but I think I am going to close it off at this point as most of those other thoughts and ideas are separate blog entries in and of themselves.

As we enter the new year I'd really like to thank all of you who read this blog. My readership continues to grow and I really appreciate all the comments and e-mails that you all send me. It is gratifying to receive your feedback and your thoughts and ideas. My hope is 2012 will provide me with even more opportunities to write interesting, self-reflective blog posts. Please always continue to provide me with your feedback and thoughts as I would constantly like to improve my writing.

To each and everyone of you, I wish you the best and most prosperous 2012. May all of your hopes and dreams for this year come true!

Thanks and peace to all! ~J.

Living With Pain

2011-12-29T09:23:00.001-07:00

It is somewhat early on the Thursday between Christmas and New Years and I have been awake for a long time. My wakefulness has been caused by extreme physical pain. So I sit here at the kitchen table watching the sun come up with a cheery fire burning in the fire place.

The physical pain that I am experiencing is all due to the herniated disc in my back. The pain starts in the small of my back, runs into my left hip and then the whole way down my leg to the surgical site where I had the plate implanted to fix my fractured fibula. The worst pain comes at night when I am sleeping. Just the act of lying down to sleep is quite painful. If I flip over and move it gets even worse. The pain is mind numbing. It is a constant throbbing on my left side from the small of my back to my foot. When I move in specific directions I experience shooting pains that on the scale of 1 to 10 are at the level of an 8 or 9. I think I have proven that I have a high pain tolerance level by the fact that when my fibula fractured I was able to run for two miles before I had to stop.

Relief to this pain comes in 3 ways. The first way seems to be the best but it is now almost impossible to act upon that way. This way is taking powerful opiate drugs like oxycodone. When I had my surgery back in October my surgeon prescribe to me what I thought was a ton of these drugs to me. I have almost run out of them and my pain management doctor is not in the office until Friday so it seems unlikely I will get more of these until sometime next week. The second way is the surgical option when I have several grams of steroids injected into my back. This works to keep the pain at bay for about 7 days. Unfortunately I can only have this done 3 times a year and I will be having my second injection on Tuesday January 4th. There is also a big down side to this option. The side effects of having several grams of steroids injected into your body can be severe. For me they cause to feel hyperactive and then to have massive night sweats that are very horrible. The last method is the least preferred in my book but it is what I am left with for now. This method involves taking a massive dose of Advil in combination with a very large dose of the nerve blocker Gabapentin and then following the pills with several drinks of alcohol. This is definitely not the best way to relieve the pain but the fact is it gives me 3 - 4 hours of pain free existence. I reserve this pain killer for after 5PM, so I spend a good part of the day in some pretty significant pain. But if I time this third method of killing the pain right, I can actually get some good sleep from about 11PM to 4AM, when the pain in my back wakes me.

The really bad thing about this persistent pain is that it really wears on my mental and emotional state. I typically feel that I am an upbeat person, but the constant pain is making me look at the world through a different set of lens. It is making me downbeat, cranky and in general not very happy. Normally I would be looking at some of the things in the near future with a lot of anticipation and happiness but I am unfortunately looking at them with trepidation and distaste. My mood and the way I fight the pain in the evening, has made it so that I want to spend my time in lethargic, sedentary activities. I hate this!!! The things that I love to do are just impossible dreams at this point. I haven't managed to go for hike in almost 10 months. I can't stand this. I haven't been to the gym in 4 months! Argh! It is so frustrating!

(A picture from back before the fractured fibula and the back pain. Z and I on top of Mount Spauling - circa June of 2009.)

The only good thing I can say is that despite my lack of activity I have lost a lot of weight. The day I had my surgery in October I weighed 174 pounds. When I stepped on the scale yesterday morning my weight was down to 162. My weight loss is occurring because I haven't been eating much. My dream is that after I finally have my back surgery in late January, I will continue the weight loss. My end run goal is to reach a maintainable weight of 145 pounds. At that weight I will look a little gaunt but if I follow up the weight loss with a lot of cardio conditioning and weight lifting, I will achieve a physical look that I greatly desire. Also if I reach this weight I believe I will rid myself of my high blood pressure - but that is probably a dream as the high blood pressure seems to be genetically acquired. The weight of 145 is where I should be for my height according to the BMI scale. Don't worry that I would be making myself unhealthy by reaching this weight. I would instead be reaching the weight that according to the experts I should be.

Besides the physical pain I am still dealing with a lot of emotional and mental pain. The emotional and mental pain comes from the end of my relationship with Shelly. (Yes - I am going back to that subject again!) The relationship ended on November 7th under some pretty severe terms. I don't want to go into what those terms were as it was very bad and traumatic.

Regardless of this I still love Shelly deeply and find myself still desiring and needing her very much. Due to these feelings I really find it difficult to move on. Since the relationship with Shelly ended, I have done some dating. Actually I have gone on 3 dates with the same woman. This woman is the picture of everything that you would want in a relationship. She is attractive, she is wildly successful in her field, she is extremely well known in her community and is a civic leader, she has a positive outlook on life and when we are together our conversations are great - we talk about everything from what is happening in our lives to world politics, to travel, to just about everything. Despite all that, there is something missing. After 3 dates I haven't kissed her (perhaps that is TMI) and the spark just doesn't seem to ignite. In the end I don't think the spark is igniting because my mind is filled with Shelly.

On the other hand there are 2 other people who though not exactly in my life in major ways there could be a significant spark with them. Both of these other people are people who I have dated before. One of them has never really left my life since we dated. It is hard to explain but though we don't communicate much she knows my thoughts. I can't really explain this one well so I am not going to even try. All I can say is she is a great woman, who is extremely smart, extremely generous and just an overall wonderful person with a warm and loving heart.

The other person is someone I dated during one of the times Shelly and I broke up. I never expected to hear from her again, but in the last 2 weeks we have had several nice exchanges of text messages and voice mails to each other. We have a deep connection because of a shared experience that few people have. There is also a smoldering physical intensity between us. When we are in the same room together it is like there is electricity flowing between the two of us - and everyone can see it. On top of that she lives a life that is so similar to mine. She shares all the values I have and she is warm, caring, loving and extremely compassionate.

So why don't I pursue either of these two women? Because my heart still is in Shelly hands. Why does it seem I can't take it back? I don't really know. The unfortunate thing is that there are two very different Shelly's. There is the Shelly I fell in love with. That Shelly is the warmest, sweetest, most loving, most giving, wonderful person that there is. She is everything that I want in a partner. Every little aspect of her I love. She can be quirky at some times but that makes her even more attractive to me. She is the best! But unfortunately there is another Shelly that exists. I don't know why this Shelly exists. But this Shelly is the opposite of what I described above. This Shelly doesn't come around very often but comes around when Shelly is under stress or feels hurt. This second Shelly is the reason that we aren't together. This second Shelly and I clash like there is no tomorrow and it becomes impossible for us to be in the same room together. What is so very difficult is that this Shelly doesn't come around very often and only a few of the people in Shelly's life have ever seen this side of her. So it makes it impossible for me to talk to her family or friends about this side of Shelly as they won't believe me when I tell them about this. I would love to help Shelly solve the problem of why this side of her exists. I know we all have different sides to ourselves that can come out under different situations, but I think this side of Shelly is extreme and has done some great damage to her through out her life.

All of this results in my mood being in a very bad place right now. Between the intense physical pain and the emotional pain, my mood is frequently not good. I do my best to cover it up when I am around people and I think I do a good job at that. When I was in Charlotte for Christmas no one called me out on it so I think I have done a good job covering things up. What keeps me moving to any small degree is the fact that I have people depending upon me. I can't afford to let Zack down. I can't afford to let Nancy down. I can't afford to let my puppies down. I can't afford to let the rest of my family down. I am sure if I didn't have Zack, Nancy and the puppies, my life would be very different and I would probably spend most of it in a drug or alcohol induce haze. But I will not let that happen. Some how I will continue to push through things. It will get a little bit better. If I can at least get my physical pain resolved, I will be able to exist much better.

I don't know where my emotional pain will take me. I love very deeply. Back in April of 2010 I made a commitment to Shelly by asking her to marry me. Even despite all the water under the bridge and the fact that our relationship is ended, I still believe in that commitment I made to her. I don't see us getting back together now or any time in the near future. I will never intrude upon Shelly's life, just as she never intrudes upon my life, but in the small ways I can I will try and watch out for her and make sure that she is OK. If she is ever in need I will try my best to help her out. Oh my - Shell if you ever read this, just know as I told you so long I will always be there to help you, look out for you and take care of you. All you ever have to do is reach out to me. I am not going anywhere and I will be here for you.

Ok - I got that off my chest for the day and my physical pain is diminishing for a little bit as I took the last 2 oxycodone pills I had. While I am feeling better I am going to get up and get things done. I want to keep things moving on the projects that I have going on around the house. On top of that I do have stuff to do for work. I need to get my travel arrangements made for the trip to India.

One other thing of note that has lifted my spirits this morning. A few minutes ago the alarm on my phone went off. My phone was upstairs in my bedroom on the night stand. Finnegan was upstairs at the time and started to howl. Oh my gosh it is the funniest thing to hear him howl. He is such a calm, sedate pup and to hear him howl and to see him howl is just amazing. You would never expect this puppy to make those kinds of primeval sounds. His howling has definitely brightened my day!

I am off to get busy on the day-to-day tasks of the day. I hope everyone has a great day!

Thanks and peace to all! ~J.

Wordless Wednesday - Winter Serenity

2011-12-28T20:29:00.000-07:00

I am never resist adding a few words to Wordless Wednesday! I love this view. I love being where this picture was taken. It is one of my favorite spots in the Central Mountains of Colorado. This is an open meadow above Ute Pass on the way to the top of Ute Peak. The view is looking to the west at the Gore Range across the Blue River Valley. This is a wonder place to hike to regardless of the season. The spring is the only season in which I don't like to visit this meadow as every step you take is wet and muddy.

If anyone would like to hike to this place, e-mail and I will provide you directions to it.

Thanks and peace to all! ~J.

The Christmas Trip

2011-12-27T22:33:00.001-07:00

Part of this blog entry was written at various times throughout the day on December 22^nd. The rest of it has been written late in the evening of December 27^th.

The blog post for Thursday, December 22 is being written while Zack and I are flying from Denver to Chicago aboard a United 777. This entry won’t be posted to the web for several days as I am loathe to post a lot of information to the Internet indicating that I will not be home for an extended period of time. Though I have no problem putting my life out on the Internet, I don’t like indicating that I am not home because I have read too many horror stories of people being burglarized while on vacation because they posted something on Facebook, a blog or whatever that they were not home. So I don’t intend to post this entry with the details of our travel to the blog until we are home.

Though the hour is still somewhat early the day has already been long. I awoke at 4:00AM to ensure we would make our flight from Denver to Chicago. The weather this morning was horrible as we received almost a foot of snow. When I awoke I had a little bit more packing to do, and I also wanted to get the house ready for our cleaning ladies. Kathy and Kellie will clean the house while we are gone so we will return to a clean and organized house. To me there is nothing better than walking into the house and it is clean and organized. I have come to love the smell of the cleaning agents that Kathy and Kellie use. There is nothing special to their smell, but it triggers a sense of calm in my head that I love.

We left the house at 5:50AM for our 8:50AM flight. Before we could head to the airport we had to stop at “B&B for DOG” and leave Lex and Finn for their own little vacation. The road in front of our house was pretty nearly impassible as the snow was so deep that even with the high-clearance of the Explorer we were bottoming out. All the roads through Willow Creek were in the same condition as there had been no snow plows through the neighborhood and there had been very little traffic prior to us.

The main roads were not in any better shape, but given the additional traffic on those roads we were not bottoming out. The amount of traffic increased as we drove north along I-25 until it was bumper-to-bumper near the Belleview exit. Our route took us on to I-225 and traffic freed up dramatically on that highway.

We arrived at B&B for DOG exactly as they open at 6:30AM. I backed the Explorer up to the entrance so that I could just pop the back door open, reach in – get the dogs and quickly get them into the kennel. As I opened the back gate on Explorer I was able to reach in and get Finnegan without any problem, however Lex proved to be more elusive and he was out making a dash for freedom before I could grab him. Letting Finnegan go, I managed to stop Lex in his tracks before he had gotten very far away by stepping on his leash.

Whew – that was a close call! That would not have been fun attempting to chase Lex through a foot of snow with my back and leg still hurting. We got the pups checked in at the kennel and we were quickly on our way to the airport. The road was treacherous so I went slowly and we managed to make it to the airport without too many problems.

Our flight out of Denver left pretty close to its scheduled departure. However after we backed away from the gate we did have to deal with thirty minutes of de-icing, so that made our arrival into Chicago a bit late. Thankfully our flight to Charlotte was delayed by 40 minutes so we didn’t have any problem in catching the flight.

We have arrived in Charlotte about 1 hour late, but my brother was waiting in the “cell phone” parking lot anticipating our phone call that we had arrived. I gave him a call and about 10 minutes later he was picking up us right outside of the arrivals area.

From there, we journeyed to his house which is in Charlotte proper and the fun has begun! I think our visit will be great. I know Zack is definitely excited by the opportunity to spend 4 days with his cousins. I am sure he will have a great time.

So I am now finishing this blog entry when we reached home on Tuesday December 27^th. We had a fantastic time in Charlotte with my family. It isn’t very frequently that we manage to get together. All of us siblings haven’t been together since Patty’s memorial service at the end of July of 2008. It was good to be together as the opportunity for our entire family to be together in one place doesn’t happen that often. There are a total of 17 of us in my extended family – this includes my siblings and all of our children. With the oldest of my nieces and nephews now aged almost 20, you can see the opportunities for this to happen in the future will be limited.

The giving of Christmas gifts this year was relatively low-key. Zack only received a total of 5 gifts this year. We are moving into that time in life when the kids receive fewer gifts. As they age they just don’t need all the stuff that they used to get when they were much younger. The only one who got a lot of gifts was my youngest niece Olivia who is only 8 years old.

Most of our time in Charlotte was spent just hanging out, eating food, talking and laughing. It was good just to spend the time talking and catching up with my brothers, sisters, nieces and nephews. It was a special Christmas just because we were all together. It is easy to remember to the years of being kids and celebrating Christmas together and it was good to relive that and have that feeling of family togetherness that we had as kids!

Zack spent almost all the time we were there in the basement with all his cousins. The basement was the place to be as that was where the video game console and the pool table are. I think he had a great time and really bonded with his older cousins. He is the youngest of the teenagers and was somewhat in awe of his older cousins.

(Zoey - the adorable little basset hound we took to the vet.)

We had one unexpected adventure while we were there. My nephews who live in Charlotte, Jeff and Derek were dog sitting their neighbor’s dog – a basset hound named Zoey. She is a very sweet dog and I couldn’t resist going over with them to pet the pup. When I petted her ears she yelped like there was no tomorrow. I took a look at her ears and noticed that they seemed infected. I told my brother about it and said he should tell his neighbors. The next morning Zoey was out in the backyard and she was yelping like she was in great pain. My brother decided that he should call his neighbors and find out who their vet was. He did that and we managed to get an appointment for Zoey at 3:00PM that afternoon. The vet took one look at her ears and told us that we did the right thing by bring her in as she had a serious infection in both of her ears. We got her cleaned up and she was a much happier puppy. I felt so much better for her as she seemed happy on the ride home as opposed to the ride there when she really seemed in agony. It wasn’t too much of an adventure but I felt good for taking the 2 hours out of my trip to help this cute, adorable pup!

Our trip home today was a tab bit long. It was long for 2 reasons. First I had used frequent flier miles for these tickets and as a result the flight times weren’t the best. They were the best because free tickets weren’t readily available on these days. So we flew from Charlotte at noon today and then had a 4 hour layover in Chicago. United then made our layover much longer because of their logistics personnel. Our flight that was to leave at 5:00PM Chicago time had our airplane taken out from underneath us by a flight to Orlando that had been delayed for two hours. The airplane we were switched over to experienced a mechanical issue so we had to wait for a third aircraft which was an hour late arriving. So by the time all things were said and done we departed Chicago an hour and a half later than our original departure time. Oh well, things like that happen every once and a while. As I told a flight attendant friend of mine this evening, at least we arrived safely in Denver – which in the end run is all that matters.

Tomorrow the remainder of the holiday season will start off busy. I have an physical therapy appointment at 9:30AM. Unfortunately my back and my hip in is so much pain as a result of all the walking today I am not sure how I am going to endure physical therapy. I hope to get an appointment with the neurosurgeon this week to plan out my back surgery as I don’t want to go through this pain much longer. We will pick up the dogs after that and then try and get to see Nancy as we haven’t seen her since the Wednesday before Christmas.

The rest of the week is very busy as I start back to work on Thursday. Friday evening I am having a big get together here at my house for a bunch of folks so that will be fun but it will be busy. Saturday is New Years Eve and Zack and I will be doing some partying that evening. Nothing to crazy but I am sure we won’t get home and get to bed until 1:30 or 2:00AM. So the remaining days of 2011 will be quite busy for us.

It is now after 10:00PM Mountain time and my body is still on East Coast time so my bed is beckoning me.

Thanks and peace to all! ~J.

Christmas Tidings of Joy, Peace and Contentment to All

2011-12-24T08:12:00.000-07:00

It's Christmas Time! May you all find peace, happiness, contentment and joy during this holiday season. Thank you all for being part of my little world and reading this blog. It is through you reading this thing everyday that I keep it going. The comments, thoughts and ideas you provide to me are the inspiration for writing all of this. Thanks so much for being my audience! You are the best darn readers a blog author could have! :-)

To all who are part of my life whether it be directly or indirectly, I wish all the best to you and everyone who is important to you. May you all find the time to be with those who bring out the best in you, who understand you better than any others and who love you the most. May you be with them on these blessed days and find the truest sense of peace, happiness, joy and comfort together as a family or group of friends.

To the person who is not part of my life yet who is so deeply embedded in my heart – I hope you find the deepest, happiest peace and feelings of love and comfort this Christmas. May your son, mother, brother and the rest of your family be at your side. I hope you will feel warmth, comfort, security, happiness and love in the presence of your family and friends. If there is some one in your life right now who is your lover, partner and friend – may they be true to you and bring you the deepest sense of caring, love and desire. I hope they will treat you and love you in every way that you desire and need. Regardless of that I am not with you as your partner right now, my love, desire and warmth for you still burn so brightly. I hope after a day full of activities with family and friends as you lay your head down on the pillow you feel comforted and content. Before your eyes close and your breathe becomes slow and you start making that ever so cute sound when you sleep, I do hope you will think of me and remember all that we shared and know that I love you with my entire being. Be at peace and be happy!

In those days Caesar Augustus issued a decree that a census should be taken of the entire Roman world. And everyone went to their own town to register.

So Joseph also went up from the town of Nazareth in Galilee to Judea, to Bethlehem the town of David, because he belonged to the house and line of David. He went there to register with Mary, who was pledged to be married to him and was expecting a child. While they were there, the time came for the baby to be born, and she gave birth to her firstborn, a son. She wrapped him in cloths and placed him in a manger, because there was no guest room available for them.

And there were shepherds living out in the fields nearby, keeping watch over their flocks at night. An angel of the Lord appeared to them, and the glory of the Lord shone around them, and they were terrified. But the angel said to them, “Do not be afraid. I bring you good news that will cause great joy for all the people. Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; he is the Messiah, the Lord. This will be a sign to you: You will find a baby wrapped in cloths and lying in a manger.”

Suddenly a great company of the heavenly host appeared with the angel, praising God and saying,
“Glory to God in the highest heaven, and on earth peace to those on whom his favor rests.”
When the angels had left them and gone into heaven, the shepherds said to one another, “Let’s go to Bethlehem and see this thing that has happened, which the Lord has told us about.”

So they hurried off and found Mary and Joseph, and the baby, who was lying in the manger. When they had seen him, they spread the word concerning what had been told them about this child, and all who heard it were amazed at what the shepherds said to them. But Mary treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart. The shepherds returned, glorifying and praising God for all the things they had heard and seen, which were just as they had been told.

Merry Christmas and good tidings to all! ~J.

Determination

2011-12-23T19:14:00.000-07:00

De - ter - mi - na - tion: (noun) - the act of coming to a decision or of fixing or settling a purpose.

Life is a quirky thing. Settling on a purpose can help and make it less quirky and a little more certain. Since Wednesday evening I have settled upon several purposes that I really didn't think I was going to settle upon. The first purpose I settled upon came on Wednesday evening when I was volunteering at hospice. I was helping a patient who is in hospice because they are dying of pancreatic cancer. This type of cancer devastated a whole generation of my family on my mother's side. Standing there helping this individual and seeing them fight through the pain allowed my mind to come to a realization. It was sudden and dramatic as I wasn't evening thinking about this subject and then the realization came to me like a leaden brick falling upon a piece of fine china. I made a determination that I can't give up. There is only one life we get the chance to live and one day given my family history I might end like this individual. What was so impressive about this person was their dedication and determination to be upbeat, positive and to enjoy the Christmas season. When I left this person's presence I felt like my spirit had been lifted up and enlightened. I only hope in my dying days I can exhibit the positive energy that this person exuded.

As I stood there helping this person the determination hit me like a jolt of electricity. I knew right then and there what direction I needed to take. The determination I found was focused on my future path, on the places that I need to go and the thing that I need to do. It was a wonderful feeling to understand with the clarity that I did what the future entails.

Yesterday I made another key determination which will have a much quicker impact upon me. Thursday was physically a very tough day for me as I had to deal with all the snow and an extensive amount of physical activity. My back was in agony as a result of it all. As I walked up an escalator yesterday afternoon I was struck with another bolt of certainty. The determination at that time is I will have surgery on my back to repair the herniated disc as soon as is possible.

I met with a pain management doctor on Wednesday and we talked through the situation with my injured back. He confirmed to me that I was doing everything humanly possible to correct the situation. The physical therapy I was undergoing, the cortisone shots I received and the avoidance of massive amounts of narcotics to kill the pain were all the things that I currently could do to help the situation. The doctor indicated that there were currently 2 more "bullets" that we could use to help the situation in terms of the cortisone shots. That is - I can have 2 more rounds of these shots to help the situation. However there are some not so pleasant side effects to these shots and though the cortisone initially helped, it's success has already worn off. Therefore it came to me like a shot out of a gun that I must have the surgery to repair the disc because the likelihood of the cortisone solving the problem completely is extremely small.

To this end I will have another round of cortisone injections before I leave on my trip to India. The injection appointment is already scheduled for Jan 3 at 11:30AM. Between the cortisone injection and the pain killers they will prescribe for me, I should be able to make it through my 8 day trip to India the second week of January. Once I return from that trip, despite the risk I am going to move forward with the surgery as soon as possible. This is the only way to really have some assurance that I am going to get rid of the pain once and for all - so it is a chance I need to take.

(A German Christmas Tree)

(A winter scene from 19th Century Canada.)

Having an elective surgery is not really what I want to do, but it really doesn't feel like it is that much of an elective. The plans I have for this upcoming New Years day are in jeopardy and pretty much are guaranteed not to happen because of my back. (The plan is to get out and take a nice long hike with Zack.) It is too painful to walk more than several hundred yards at a crack. So taking on a 5 mile hike to the top of Blue Spruce Mesa outside of Larkspur, Colorado isn't too likely to happen.

My mind is made up and my determination is strong, I will move a head with surgery on my backbone to remove the disc that has herniated.

Tomorrow is Christmas eve! Hopefully all of you have finished your Christmas shopping. There are a few things I need to get taken care of tomorrow, but otherwise everything is wrapped up. I need to swing by one store to get a gift for my sister Stephanie and her husband Paul. I know what I am getting them, I just need to do it. I also must go to a Fedex/Kinko's to get passport photos taken and put my visa application into Fedex.

It is wonderful to have this time now to stop and get away from work and pressure and reflect upon life. There are lots of ideas floating through my mind for what I want to write tomorrow. Please be sure to check back in some time late in the day on Christmas Eve or on Christmas Day.

For tonight - good night! I hope you all rest well and have wonderful plans for time to spend with your family and friends tomorrow and Christmas Day!

Thanks and peace to all! ~J.

So Watcha Think?

2011-12-19T23:21:00.000-07:00

The question must be asked! The viewpoints must be raised! The creative element must be analyzed! What do you all think of my new blog format? There are some things I still need to work out particularly concerning the header area of the blog, but for the most part this is the design that I like. What about all of you? Does this look alright? Does it make the visual context overwhelm the written word? Please provide me with lots of feedback to what you like (if you like anything that is) and what you don't like about this blog layout.

On any given day I typically get between 60 and 80 different page views of my blog. I would love to log in tomorrow and have 20 or 30 different comments about the blog style to review. Your feedback is critical in my ability to make this blog readable. Writing the content isn't exactly easy, but it is just as easy to write it only for myself as it is to write it for the entire world. So please share your thoughts and let me know what you think. To me this blog is a success when however many people read it, look at it and either enjoy it or better yet - start thinking through something because of what I wrote. All you lurkers out - I do know who many of you are - go ahead and leave a comment. I do promise I won't bite!

I am struggling to finish this blog entry as I am so very tired tonight. Due to the continued significant pain in my back I am tired due to the amount of pain killers in me and it has just been a very busy and crazy day.

Much of the craziness today was caused by the fact that our professional organizer Dayna-Rae started working with us today. Let me clarify that - Dayna-Rae started working with Zack today! Zack has the biggest order of magnitude of work to do to get his possessions and room organized. At first Zack jumped right into the work and made some good headway with Dayna-Rae. After about 1.5 hours he started to tire of the process and had to go check out. I asked Dayna-Rae if that was pretty typical for a 13 year old. Her response was "Oh yeah - particularly for boys as they seem to find little benefit in organizing stuff at that age". Regardless we (all three of us) made a good bit of headway. Zack and I are going to get busy with our home work for the stuff we need to do before Dayna-Rae comes back right before the beginning of the New Year.

The other item of excitement - or actually lack of excitement was the fact that we had a power outage for about 3 hours this afternoon. It started to snow here when I was on my way home from Physical Therapy this morning. By the middle of the afternoon the roads were slick and snow covered and apparently a truck hit a local transformer box knocking out electricity to our section of Centennial and most of Lone Tree as well. Definitely no fun, but it is the way it goes some times. Once it started to get dark and we still didn't have power, Zack and I went out and did some shopping at Target where at least we had light and could get something done.

My eyelids are beginning to betray me and hence I must sleep!

I hope you all have a great day tomorrow!

Merry Christmas to you all! ~J

Please, please provide me with some feedback on the new style of the blog. Thanks!!

Manic Energy - And the Best Picture I Ever Took

2011-12-18T11:25:00.002-07:00

I need to take a very deep breath! Do you ever wake in the morning with a feeling of determination that results in an almost manic flow of energy into your body? I have had one of those mornings. It could be that I slept like a rock last night and I awoke and consumed a fair amount of caffeine on an empty stomach. I was busy last night and didn't get to bed until almost 2:30AM but regardless I feel like I have a 75,000 horsepower turbine powering me this morning. Yes - I did drink the best part of a Full Throttle Energy drink this morning so I think that goes a very long way toward explaining that.

Perhaps too I am just bouncing back from yesterday as it was a difficult day as I had to take Nancy to the doctor and spend a good bit of time there with her as she wasn't doing well. I am never really sure what all is going on with her. I don't know if she is really not doing well or if she is just feeling the effects of being 80 years old and it takes a lot out of her. Regardless of what it is, I will keep watching out for her and hoping beyond hope she will get to the point she feels good. (Yesterday's issue turned out that she has an infection and had to get a pretty strong antibiotic for it. Hopefully it will resolve the problem for her.)

Because of all of this I feel like I have 100 million different subject about which I want to write today. It really isn't 100 million but it might be like 20,000! So I expected throughout the day I will make numerous blog entries. For those of you who get my e-mail updates I will turn them off for the day after this post because I don't want to pollute your in-box with spam!!

This week I have been at my brother's house a number of times for various activities. Yesterday I was there looking through some of the pictures that Celinde has taken over the years so that I can build a collage of photos that have Zack, me and Patty in them. Notoriously most of the pictures I have here at home have Zack and Patty or Zack and me, but rarely all 3 of us - because someone needed to take the picture.

While I was there I came across what I think is the best picture that I ever took in my life. It is at Tim and Celinde's because I gave them several copies of it since it was a picture of their first dog - Jake. It was so good that I framed a copy of it and gave it to my brother for his birthday the year after Jake died.

I was thinking about that picture this morning so I went and found it in my archives. It was originally taken on black and white film in 2001. But over the years I have converted most of my film pictures into electronic versions. I felt like sharing that picture this morning because when I looked at yesterday it brought back so many good memories of a life that was much simpler, happier in a different way and much more adventuresome.

My hope as 2011 winds down and as we approach 2012 life is going to return to that simpler, more adventuresome and happier way. I am confident it will do that. But I had to share this wonderful picture with the world.

The picture was taken in July of 2001 at Lily Pad lakes in the Eagles Nest Wilderness Area at the southern end of the Gore Range of Mountains. My college roommate Allen Greenberg and his life partner Jay Evans were visiting for a week and we hiking all over the place that week. We I took this picture we had done an extensive hike and Jake just wanted to get into the water. Even though Jake wasn't that old, he was a cantankerous puppy. He wasn't cantankerous in a bad way, he just had his own way about him and he wanted you to adhere to that way. He loved to play in the water and if you threw a rock in the water for him to fetch he would stand there and just dig and dig and paw for it. He would run himself ragged trying to dig that rock out of the mud of the bottom of the pond. When I snapped this picture Jake was standing in the water at the edge of the lake waiting for one of us to toss a rock into the water. To me the picture shows his excitement and anticipation of the fun he is about to have. Jake is now long gone, but every time I look at this picture I remember his spirit, his love of the water and the outdoors and his own unique personality!

I hope everyone has a great day!!

Thanks and peace to all! ~J.

Changing Climate - A Threat to the Planet?

2011-12-16T22:31:00.000-07:00

I read a lot of blogs. I guess that makes sense since I write one. As I go through and read the different blogs I am always coming up with new and interesting ideas that I want to put into this blog. A friend/acquaintance of mine - Ted - who I work with at Hospice started his own blog a while back. Now Ted is a much more gifted writer than am I. He can take an idea and weave it into a complex tale illustrating many different facets to the story. Ted writes mainly about political topics and he does a great job with it. He is non-partisan and represents the issues with facts that are not just talking points. One of the features that Ted adds to his blog entries are a series of factoids that illustrate the issue at hand. Based upon the extensive facts and reasoning he puts into his blog entries he must spend a ton of time thinking things through and writing.

Not that I have anywhere near the writing skills of Ted, but I wanted to use his format in the creation of today's blog post. I have been thinking about this post for several months and we are now home from a busy Friday evening so I have as much time as I want to work on writing this blog post.

By the way if you would like to check out Ted's blog, you can find it at this address: http://tedsheadco.wordpress.com/

*********************************************************************************
A Different Perspective on Global Warming
This weekend will most likely be the height of the Christmas shopping season for 2011. The malls will be jammed with people and the electronics, clothes, books and all other orders of gift like things will be flying off the shelves. As the shelves are emptied just-in-time inventory systems will kick in and orders will go out to distribution centers for tractor trailer trucks to be loaded so that the shelves can be replenished and the process can begin anew.

A whole chain reaction occurs once the masses of consumers leave their homes and head to the malls and begin shopping. As distribution systems kicks into gear to deliver goods to the consumer, massive amounts of energy are consumed by transportation systems, inventory systems, production systems, etc. The end result is that for each product purchased massive amounts of greenhouse gases are released.

The greenhouse gases come from a variety of different sources throughout the supply chain that builds and brings the goods to market. Some of the bigger sources of the greenhouse gases are:
- Extraction of the raw material from the earth. Electronics devices - the biggest sellers of this holiday season require hundreds of different compounds that are mined from the earth.
- The manufacture of the end product
- The transportation of the product to the place that it will be sold
- Powering the computer and inventory systems that track all this stuff

The end result is through our prolific consumption of consumer goods at this time of the year, there are millions of tons of extra greenhouse gases pumped into our atmosphere. Though Christmas time might be the worst in terms of the production of greenhouse gases, the rest of the year is nearly as bad.

Production of greenhouse gases and global warming has been a topic of significant discussion for the last 15 - 20 years. Prior to that no one really recognized the impact of all the carbon dioxide and other gases our industrialized society has been pumping into the atmosphere for the last 200 years. There have been numerous studies done which highlight the potential impact of all these greenhouse gases. Treaties have been negotiated to limit the amount of these gases that each country can produce. Nothing has come of these treaties because it would mean that industrial production and economical growth would be cut back.

Despite this focus on global warming and the production of greenhouse gases, the quantity of these gases being produced is growing at an alarming rate. One recent study showed that 4 times the amount of greenhouse gases are being pumped into the atmosphere than was imagined as a worst case scenario when projections were done 5 years. Four times the worst case scenario - it is absolutely incredible!!! If you believe there is a link between the amount of greenhouse gases in the atmosphere and bad things happening to our climate then it is time to be very worried.

In most cases when people argue the case to cut greenhouse gas emissions it is argued on a belief that we "have to save the planet". Is that really the case? What will reducing the amount of greenhouse gas emissions do to save the planet? The reality is that hundreds of times before this there have been even greater amounts of greenhouse gases in the air than now. And yet... the planet survived. During those times all the polar ice caps melted and there were no glaciers any where to be found. The planet became warm and tropical and the seas and oceans expanded, and many landmasses were totally inundated by water. Thousand of species of animals and plants were utterly destroyed during those previous times of global warming. Despite all that, over many millennia the excess greenhouse gases were eventually absorbed back into the oceans and land masses. The temperatures cooled and global ice caps eventually reformed.

Our planet is extremely resilient. It has taken blows from asteroids and comets. It has endured massive volcanic eruptions that have darken the skies for hundreds and thousands of years. It has experience massive temperature swings in time frames much shorter than what we are currently experiencing. And yet the planet has continued and life has adapted to the new conditions. After each one of these traumatic events life has bounced back and flourished.

Do we really need to save the planet? I really don't think we have to save the planet. Of much greater concern to me from greenhouse gases and global warming is the survival of the human race. It doesn't matter what is causing the warming that is impacting our planet, the reality is the warming is occurring. Each degree the average temperature goes up, more ice in Greenland and Antarctica melts.(Well - technically the ice in Antarctica hasn't really started to melt yet.) As that ice melts the oceans get bigger and start consuming the land. Imagine a 100 years from now when the Atlantic Ocean swallows the entirity of Manhattan and most of New York City. As a species we have done a bad job in terms of where we live. Almost 50% of the total population of the earth lives within 60 miles of a coastline. That makes the half the human population susceptible to the impact of rising sea levels. If all the water currently contained in the ice that covers Greenland and Antarctica were to melt as some climate models predict, sea levels would rise by over 215 feet! Enormous amounts of land would be flooded by a sea level change of 215 feet. Entire nations like Bangladesh, the Netherlands and the Island Nations of Pacific would be utterly lost. Even the United States would suffer dramatic losses with almost the entire state of Florida being covered in water.

Maybe we need to think about this whole global warming and climate change issue in a different light. It isn't about "saving the planet", it is about "saving human kind". The earth has proven very capable of replacing the top species on the planet with another family of animals. Not that the dinosaurs had culture or intelligence, but if they did I am sure they weren't thinking 65 million years ago that they were going to go extinct in the blink of an eye.

(Amazingly beautiful iceberg in a bay off of Baffin Island in Northern Canada.)

Though global warming doesn't threaten us with such an immediate extinction it does threaten us with very serious implications. Drought, wild swings in temperature, rising sea levels, intense hurricanes and even an ice age are all possible because of global warming. Yes - that is right, global warming could cause an ice age to engulf the northern hemisphere because of changes in the salinity of ocean water would result in changing ocean currents that could freeze Northern Europe and North America.

Imagining the impact of some of those catastrophes and you realize that our society if not our entire race could be dealt a fatal blow by global warming. On top of the actual impacts of the climate change itself there are so many other potential problems that would arise such as the development and spread of infectious diseases, war for scarce resources - water and food and geopolitical change caused by mass relocation of people.

(Snow covered fjords of Greenland.)

Our planet is going to survive pretty much anything that is thrown at it. (Ok - a collision with a huge asteroid or mini-planet might take the earth out, but that is about it.) The climate can and will change and this will result in the extinction of thousands of species of plants and animals, but new species will evolve to take their places. Human kind on the other hand can't endure the massive changes wrought by global warming. Instead of thinking of "saving the planet" maybe we should really be thinking of "saving human kind" when it comes to eliminating global warming. I don't think we as a society will be smart enough to think it through and see it that way which is unfortunate. Ultimately it will be our great-great-great-great grandchildren who pay the price for our short-sightedness. And 2 million years from now, there's a good chance global warming will have wiped out our species, but the earth will have moved on and there will be a new species at the top of the food chain.

(Impact of global warming? Flood waters rage through a river channel eroding the river bank.)

Global Warming Facts: (From National Geographic and other sources)
- Average temperatures have climbed 1.4 degrees Fahrenheit (0.8 degree Celsius) around the world since 1880, much of this in recent decades, according to NASA's Goddard Institute for Space Studies.
- The rate of warming is increasing. The 20th century's last two decades were the hottest in 400 years and possibly the warmest for several millennia, according to a number of climate studies.
- Arctic ice is rapidly disappearing, and the region may have its first completely ice-free summer by 2040 or earlier.
- Industrialization, deforestation, and pollution have greatly increased atmospheric concentrations of water vapor, carbon dioxide, methane, and nitrous oxide, all greenhouse gases that help trap heat near Earth's surface
- Humans are pouring carbon dioxide into the atmosphere much faster than plants and oceans can absorb it.
- The concentration of carbon dioxide in the atmosphere has risen from 290 (ppm - parts per million) in 1900 to nearly 400 ppm today.
- Over the past 25 years, the average annual Arctic sea ice area has decreased by about five percent and summer sea ice area has decreased by roughly 15 percent. The collapse of the Larsen Ice Shelf off the Antarctic Peninsula appears to have no precedent in the last 11,000 years
- In 2007, a United Nationals panel of 2500 scientists from 130 countries concluded that ice caps will probably be completely melted by the year 2100. Some scientists believe the total melting will occur even sooner.
**********************************************************************************

All other things aside the weekend is moving along and we have lots taking place. Saturday, night we have a Christmas celebration to go to with the extended family. We are getting together with Celinde's parents, Nancy and member of the "usual suspects" for an early Christmas celebration. The rest of the day is going to be spent Christmas shopping as I want to get everything finished by the end of the day.

Sunday will be football day of course, but then I have a get together with several friends to go to in Colorado Springs. That should be a good time as it has been a while since I have seen some of these folks. On top of that I am supposed to have a friend come over to the house to help me start designing the kitchen remodel. I have the basic floor plan in mind, but I need to start thinking about colors and materials that we will use. (Not sure if that is going to happen or not as we have been back and forth on it. Oh well if it doesn't happen til after Christmas that is OK too.)

Once we get the kitchen design laid out I want to move quickly on getting the remodel going. The sooner the work is done then the more options I have going into the spring. If I make the decision to move to a smaller house here in Willow Creek or a loft at Dry Creek Crossing, then I we will be in prime position to get the house on the market in the busy house selling season in the spring. Making this decision about the house is going to be one a very tough decision and I really don't know which way I am going to go at this point. Oh well - times are a changing!

Have a great weekend!!

Thanks and peace to all! ~J.

New Theme - Where Does Jerry Want To Go!

2011-12-15T19:46:00.001-07:00

For the last several entries I have been using the blog as my online psychologist. I have been putting more stuff out there that has been going through my head and heart than I have in a long time. It is time to move away from that and do some writing that doesn't make me sound like a basket case.

When I was a kid growing up in Norvelt, Pennsylvania I lived in a very academic atmosphere. Both of my parents were college educators and they strongly believed in the process of lifelong learning. Our house was like a library as there were books everywhere. My mom taught mathematics and my dad taught political science and history. Unfortunately for my mom I just had no interest whatsoever in mathematics. I didn’t necessarily struggle at math, but I certainly never wanted to excel at it either.

On the other hand I loved history and learning about the world and it’s people. From a very early age, I would always being going through my father’s books and looking for interesting things to read or at which to look. I remember we had many books that were about the different countries of the world and lots of those books had pictures. So even before I became a very skilled reader I would pick up the books filled with pictures and look through and be amazed by the pictures of distant lands.

As my reading skills improved as I grew older, I began to take an interest in many of the non-picture oriented books my father had. Books that discussed the Far East, central Asia, medieval times, any country off the beaten track and Greek/Roman history attracted my attention the most. At this young age I had a great curiosity about many things but I was also extraordinarily shy and non-talkative. So the books became my friends and time after time I returned to the same subjects sucking them in like an elixir. My dreams when I went to bed at night were filled with exotic cities and countries like Herat, Bukhara, Istanbul, Anatolia, Ulan Bator, Samarkand and many other unique locales. The mystery and intrigue of these ancient places settled in my head and created a life long desire to travel and know as much as I could about these places. It created a passion in me for travel, learning and exploration.

In the thirty-plus odd years that have passed since then, I have lived a lot of what I dreamt about back then. I haven’t lived it all, but I have continued to have a passion for learning, traveling and exploring. My travel has taken me around the world and to 11 different countries. I have visiting almost all of the United States and I have continued to read and read and absorb everything I can about every corner of the world.

Because I love travel and different countries so much I am going to write about them in my blog. Once a week I am going to write a blog entry about some far-away country that I want to visit and I in which I have had an interest. I am going to call this “Where Does Jerry Want to Go” or WDJWTG for short – LOL!.

For the first WDJWTG entry I am going to write about the country of Namibia.

Now if you have never heard of the country of Namibia you are not alone, as there are a ton of reasons why you have never heard of this country.

(Position of Namibia on the African continent.)

Here are some of the reasons why you have never heard of Namibia:

- Namibia only became an independent country in 1990. Prior to that it has been a territory administered by South Africa.

- Though it is not landlocked, Namibia is far off the beaten track. Located in the southeastern corner of Africa, much of the coastline goes by a very dubious nickname, “The Skeleton Coast”. It is known by this because the treacherous waters and fog off shore have claimed thousands of sea vessels. The coast is littered with many ship wrecks and the skeletons of thousands of whales and seals leftover from the days of whaling.

- Much of the country is a desert. Less than 1 percent of the land is arid.

- Though ½ the size of Alaska, it only has a population of 2.1 million. It has the second lowest population density of all countries on earth. Only Mongolia has a lower population density.

- There is a very high risk of infectious diseases such as malaria, cholera, etc.

Prior to it’s in-depth exploration by Europeans in the 19^th century Namibia was inhabited by nomads of the Bushman and Bantu tribes. Early Europeans who journeyed past in the 15^th – 19^th centuries would normally make brief stops and then move on due to the inhospitable nature of the land. It was only in the 1880’s that there was major interest in the area from the European powers. Germany took over the area in 1884 and called it German South-West Africa. Though there were few natural resources to exploit, the Germans set up their colony to forestall British movement into the area from South Africa.

(The Namib escarpment is a significant geological feature in Namibia.)

During WWI South Africa invaded and took over the colony from the Germans. After the war, South African administration of the colony was made official through a League of Nations Mandate. This area was widely ignored by the global community through the end of WWII. There was no fighting in Namibia during WWII and the South Africans used this time of peace to implement their policy of racial segregation call Apartheid.

When the United Nations was established at the end of WWII, South Africa refused to relinquish their administration of the area and this began South Africa’s slow but steady slide towards pariah nation status. As the colonial freedom movement of the 1960’s began to shake up the political structure of Africa, Namibia was not immune to the impact of the movement. (The colonial freedom movement was when many of the countries of Africa began to demand their freedom from their colonial overseers – the British, the French, the Belgians, etc.) In 1966 the military arm of the South West Africa People’s Organization (SWAPO) was established to fight for the freedom of Namibia from South Africa and the end to apartheid there.

(One of the many massive dunes that are make up much of the Namibian landscape.)

Over the next 22 years a low-intensity guerilla conflict was fought between the South African military and SWAPO. Much of this conflict never made the news here in the United States as the military engagements were limited and the international press barely covered the conflict. When at last apartheid in South Africa began to slip away in 1988, progress towards Namibian independence finally began. Namibia became independent on March 21, 1990.

Unlike many other countries in Africa the transition from colonial status to independence went smoothly and the country has transformed itself into a functioning multi-party democracy.

Why in the world would I ever what to visit Namibia you might ask? There are several reasons why this country attracts my attention. First, Namibia’s remoteness and lack of connectivity to the rest of the world sets Namibia apart from so many other countries. Just getting to Namibia is an adventure and a marvelous one at that. Though much of the country is desert, the landscape is beautiful and awe inspiring. On top of that it is a friendly country. Unlike its next door neighbor South Africa, the overall incidence of crime in Namibia is relatively low.

Once you arrive in Namibia travel within the country is relatively easy. For the hardy souls who make it to the country they will find that there are many fun and interesting activities to partake upon. There are thriving industries in the country based upon extreme adventure tourism such as 4x4ing and sand boarding the huge desert dunes.

(Dust storm covers on of the nations road with a fine layer of sand.)

I must take back one of the points I made earlier. I just used Orbitz to see what it would take to get from Frankfurt, Germany to Windhoek, Namibia. Windhoek is the capital of Namibia. There is actually a direct flight from Frankfurt to Windhoek. Times have certainly changed as I looked into that exact same itinerary 3 years ago and you couldn't get there by air. The world is becoming a smaller place.

I hope you my readers have enjoyed learning something about a country that I would love to visit. I will try and do one of these posts once a week. I’ll make the countries I write about the ones that I am interested in, but if there are any suggestions from you my readers that you would like me to write about – please post a comment or send me an e-mail.

Not much to say about the day for us. It was a very low key day. Zack is almost done with school for the calendar year and is very much looking forward to the Christmas break. Tomorrow (Friday) will be his last day of school until the New Year. I managed to take care of a huge amount of my Christmas shopping today so I am very happy! We have a very busy weekend of activities and parties ahead so I want to try and finish most of my shopping up tomorrow. All the dates and locations for my early January trip to India are starting to come together. We have limited the trip to 2 cities this time around – though in all likelihood I am anticipating that I will be making 4 – 5 different trips to India in 2012 based upon the yearly business plan that I am building. The cities that I will be visiting are Pune and Gurgaon. If any of you readers have any experience with those cities please drop me a note. My biggest question is if I am only in Pune for 2 days does it make sense to try and get to Mumbai for sightseeing on an early morning trip?

As always – thank you for reading. I hope this new theme isn’t too boring, so please feel free to provide feedback if you consider it too boring.

Thanks and peace to all! ~J.

What we do with our pain

2011-12-14T20:06:00.001-07:00

Alright - I realize that I am in a place in life that isn't exactly normal. It's not normal in anyway shape or form, but unfortunately it is where I am. The place in life that I am seems pretty darn desperate to me. It's a place in which I am searching, hoping, grasping at anything to hold onto to make sense of it all.

If you've read this blog for more than a month or so, if you heard the story. Wife gets sick and dies and leaves me alone to raise a wonderful little boy who has been traumatized by seeing his mom gets sick and die. I find love, but the love turns into a mess as I do stupid things and cheat on her. I fight to get that love back and have it come back only to blow up because of things that I don't think either of us can really control. So here I sit, alone, sad and feeling somewhat desperate. Not desperate to the point of doing stupid things, but desperate to the point that I do what men always seem to do when they are hurting like crazy - find comfort in the worst place - a bottle. So I take to drinking vodka by the liter. It's probably not that crazy but I buy a 1.75 liter of vodka and I can drink my way through it in between 7 and 10 days. Which probably isn't that bad, but of me - it's bad enough. (I think it is not that bad because when I used to work in Poland for a couple of months back in 2005, I had a good friend by the name of Olek who would sit down and drink an entire BOTTLE of vodka in an evening. And Olek used to do that most nights of the week!)

No I haven't reached the point that I am an alcoholic as I can stop and not drink anymore. That is the one good thing about my family's genes - we don't have an addictive tendency the way others do. Yes - we are totally and completely neurotic when it comes to anxiety but we don't get addicted to things. I guess that is a huge blessing because if I were an addict I am sure I would be going places that I don't even what to image with the pain I am feeling.

Lots of you are probably asking - why the pain? The pain exists because the person I love more than anything is no longer part of my life and in all likelihood never will be part of my life again. What makes the situation even worse is that by writing about it, I am pushing others away who could be part of my life. I know some of the people who read my blog religiously and I wonder if I stopped writing about "my love" if they would enter my life and take away that wound. But I guess the fact is, though I really care about some of those people my love for whatever reason stays with Shelly.

I don't know all that motivates her, I don't know all that drives her, but she is forever in my heart and mind and I can't get her to leave. Each second of everyday is painful as I wonder what she is doing, I wonder how she is feeling. Does she miss me at all, or am I like road-kill tossed to the side of the road and forgot? How I wish I had these answers but I don't. And so since I don't have those answers I get through my work day and then as soon as the clock hits 5:00PM I start to drink - so that I can forget.

What is the solution to this problem? I really can't say at this point. I am a firm believer in love and the importance of love in any relationship. I have that love for Shelly and despite where she is right now I am pretty dam sure that she shares that love for me. If she would come out and say "I don't love you" and explain why her feelings have changed so drastically then I could understand the situation. But she refuses to contact me - leaving me uncertain of all that she is thinking. Agh... When will I find peace? When will I find happiness?

More than anything I want contentment and happiness and I want to be over this pain. The question is how? I don't want to rid my heart of my love for Shelly. But given all that what can I do? I am sure I sound like a big fat whiner. But sometimes your feelings are important - loving someone is important. In this case it is important. More than anything I want Shelly to know that she is worth it. I want her to know that despite the pain we have felt, despite all the difficult times - she is wanted by me just the way she is!

Is all this work and effort to try and bring Shelly back to me worth it? Yeah - it is. I don't care what anyone tells me - she is worth it. And I can only hope someday, whether it is tomorrow or whether it is a year from now, she comes to understand this. You're worth it Shell and you will always be worth it.

Moving on then....

My pain levels associated with my herniated disc are doing much better. The pain in the small of my back is gone, however there is still a lot of pain associated with my left hip and the actual site of the incision. My Physical Therapist Jenna tells me that is good progress as we are now actually working with the real issue as opposed to the secondary issue caused by the herniated disc. So we are making progress which is good!

I am woefully behind on my Christmas shopping. I know what I am getting people but I actually have to do all the shopping yet. Thankfully almost all of it will be done over the web. So I think tonight I am going to sit down and start pumping some of it out. What will make this really easy and nice is I will have it sent directly to my brother's house in North Carolina where we will be for Christmas. That way I won't have it shipped here and then have to pack it up myself and ship it there.

School is really starting to wind down for Zack. He is having a lot of tests in most of his classes between now and the end of the week. So he has been busy studying and getting everything ready for the tests. He has some ground to make up on some of his grades, but I think he might actually come away with his best report card ever. It would be very nice that is for sure!

Plans are really starting to come together for my trip to India. We have the agenda all laid out and I know where I will be on most days. I am definitely going to get to see some parts of India that I have never seen before as I will be flying into Delhi and flying out of Mumbai. I have never been in those parts of the country before. I am a little bit worried about how all of the travel will play out on my injured back as the flights to and from India are roughly 22 hours. On the way to India I might leave a day early and layover in Frankfurt or Dubai. I don't think I will do that on the way home as I will just want to get home at that point. Additionally you normally have a 5 - 7 hour layover in Europe on the way home. Just getting out of a plane for that long can make the rest of the journey OK.

Well - I guess that is it for a Wednesday. I hope that everyone has had a great day!

Thanks and peace to all! J.

Disrobing Myself in the Full View of the World

2011-12-12T18:51:00.001-07:00

I am sure I will get tons of hits to the blog when people see the title of today's entry! hehehehehe....

No there will be no nudity or disclosing of deep dark secrets. Yeah - that would NOT be a pretty sight... A picture of Jerry in his birth day suit! LOL! I am cracking up just thinking about it. Nor am I going to tell you that my deepest darkest fantasy is to be immersed in a tub of whipped cream with Kim Kardashian. Ahhhhh - no... that doesn't fit anywhere on my fantasy list!

What I meant by disrobing myself in the full view of the world is writing about every aspect of my life so that everyone understands me. In the past I have been told that I use this blog to "selective" describe who and what I am. To some degree I think that is true, as I do not go into full details about things, nor do I describe EVERY aspect of my life. There are lots of things that I have held close to my vest of which I haven't talked. I really struggle with this aspect of the blog. I don't want to come across as a whiner, nor do I want to come across as some kind of superior, snotty asshole. I am left with a dilemma as to how I describe myself and what I do. Well - I suppose that mean I could be a whiner and/or a snob. Umm... not a good assessment of myself.

There have been occasions in which I have opened a window into the true depth of my soul and all the things that have happened in my life. There are some memorable blog entries out there which have absolutely rocked my world to write. I would say there are probably between 5 and 10 blogs entries that I have written bawling my eyes out and having a need to get a shot of vodka when I completed them. For the most part it has been good to write those entries and the completion of them has felt like I just did an hour long mental dump in a therapists office.

What am I saying by writing all this? I am saying that there is a lot churning in my head and heart that in the coming days and weeks I want to put out there. I realize that it might cost me and might cost me something significant. Just one example that of something my blog cost me was that it cost me the opportunity to begin a relationship with someone on Match.Com.

I started on Match.Com shortly after things ended with Shelly. Though I am able to get lots of contact with women and lots of dates from Match.Com, I am coming to realize that it just isn't my thing. My blog entries cost me the opportunity to meet and develop a relationship with a widow who has 2 kids. I never made any effort to hide my blog from anyone and she read it. She couldn't handle the words that I wrote about Shelly in here and decided she didn't want to go out with me. I totally respect that. She knows exactly what my feelings are and realized that I couldn't commit to her because in my heart I still love Shelly.

What do I do? I really want to put everything in my head and heart on this blog, but I also wonder who it will harm or hurt, as I don't want to hurt anyone. What would you do if you were in my position? Would you put it all out there or would you "selectively" put stuff out there?

The answer lays in my heart and I know what I have to do. I have to put it all out there. I have to stand behind what I believe. I have to live what I believe. So what does it all mean? First it means the next several months are going to be lonely as hell. My heart is still with Shelly. I can't freaking deny it. Going on dates and trying to entertain woman (who though nice - aren't Shelly) just isn't fun. So for now, I am going to work on spending time with friends and making more friends - forget about dating. Either in time I will forget about Shelly or we will eventually be together. I think the last idea is a pretty big long-shot, but you never know sometimes one persons love does prevail. Second, I am going to own up to all that I am doing to blunt the horrible feelings of my loneliness. It isn't pleasant, it isn't good, but it is the reality. Third, I am going to be honest about all my feelings. It isn't going to be easy to put it all out there - but it will enhance all that I tell the freaking therapist.

Trust me - I will "dis-robe" myself further in coming weeks. I don't want to be seen as being selective as describing myself. I want the world to know - because I don't want to hide anything I want the world to know.

Today I had a medical procedure performed on my back to help with the herniated disc. My brother took me to the surgical center at 1:00PM this afternoon. Everything was done and I was home by 3:45PM. Though this was rated as a risky procedure they still performed it at a surgical center and it was done very quickly. It is rated as a risky procedure because if the surgeon messes up it could cause a lot of pain and I suppose in some cases even kill people. (There is no way it could have killed me because it was so far down my spine. It wasn't at all near anything too important. Though I guess the other risky thing is I could have had an adverse reaction to the medication like the late owner of Kacey Fine Furniture here in Colorado.)

(Image of my spine with two needles being inserted into it to inject the cortisone. Neat pix huh?)

Once all the paperwork was done, they took me back and got me ready for the procedure. Most of the time was spent doing this. They put an IV in my arm and had me change into a medical gown. I did get to keep my skivies on which is always good. Once in the OR, they had me move over to the OR table. The anesthesiologist was already in the room and as soon as I was positioned on the table he hit me with propofol. I was surprised that they were using that drug, but they were. Within 20 seconds of the drug being put in top of the IV I was out of it. I always tell myself that I am going to fight it and stay awake. Ha! It never happens. I was out of it so fast. In what seemed a second or two I was waking up in the recovery room and my back didn't hurt. I spent the next 40 minutes or so hanging out in recovery room. By the time I got up and got dressed my back was starting to hurt again. But as the doctor told me I would probably feel good for a while and then it would start hurting again. Before they injected the steroid in my back they inject a fair amount of pain killer. That wears off after a while and the steroid takes several days to take full effect. As I write this at 6:30PM I don't have much pain if any. I am hopeful this is going to make a big difference in my life!

Moving on to another subject - this evening after the dogs were fed I gave them each a rawhide retriever roll. Lex has run off with his and is chewing on it like there is no tomorrow. Though Finnegan has had retriever rolls before for whatever reason he doesn't seem to know what to do with this one tonight. He keeps walking around the kitchen and family room whining very quietly. He loves having it in his mouth as I tried to take it away, but he just doesn't know what to do with it. It is really cute.

I think that is about all I can write for the evening as I am tired and sleepy from the fact that I had the procedure today. Even though it was pretty simple it did take a lot out of me. Hopefully it was worth it!

I hope everyone is doing well and starting to get the Christmas spirit in their hearts. It might take me a bit but I will get it there.

Have a great evening everyone!

Thanks and peace to all! ~J.

My Lesson about the Spine!

2011-12-10T20:32:00.001-07:00

Another weekend has arrived. There has been a significant flurry of activity here for the last several days and it feels good to reach Saturday afternoon and have some time to relax.

I've gotten a number of phone calls and e-mails from people asking me how I am doing based upon the blog post I left on Tuesday. I had a consult with a neurosurgeon on Wednesday afternoon concerning the situation with my herniated disc and my spine. I learned lots and lots of interesting things in that appointment. First the doctor gave me the shock treatment by telling me I had one of the largest hernias of disc that he had ever seen in his life. Unfortunately he was not joking - but it at least explains the unbearable pain that I have been experiencing. The second shock was the he told me that I had not one but two herniated discs and that in all likelihood, the one disc had been herniated for quite a log time. Thankfully those were the only two pieces of bad news that he passed along to me. The rest of the information was good or at least made me feel better.

Did you know by the time you reach your mid-forties, approximately 80% of all people have herniated discs in their backs. In most cases they aren't even aware of them because they aren't causing pain. Of the 2 messed up discs there was one that had been there for a while and a recent one that appears to be causing all of the pain. The surgeon can tell a new versus old hernia by the way it looks and the shape of it on the MRI.

(The lower portion of the highlighted area is the area effected by my disc injury.)

My lack of knowledge of anatomy prevented me from knowing that your spinal cord comes to an end before the end of your spine. The location of the two herniated discs in my back is after the spinal cord has already ended. Instead of the spinal cord, there are large numbers of root nerves in the hollow space that the spinal cord occupies further up the back. The good thing about that is even if herniated disc applies a ton of pressure to those root nerves, they don't damage like the spinal cord damages. Therefore, in the absolute worst case scenario that the disc puts so much pressure on those root nerves that they are pretty well smashed, they are able to repair themselve and I won't be in a situation where I would be paralyzed for life. I might suffer a temporary paralysis as the absolutely worst case scenario with this injury.

The plan of action to resolve this problem starts Monday. I will be going to Littleton Hospital for another medical procedure that will start the healing. They will knock me out and then spend about 30 minutes putting between 15-20 shots of cortisone directly into the effected areas of my back with the intention that the drug will cause the extremely inflamed disc material to shrink back into it's normal space. These shots should take effect within 4 - 5 days. If it doesn't work we can make the attempt 1 - 2 more times with cortisone. If none of the those attempts work - then it will be time for surgery. The whole point of this exercise is to get it so I don't feel the intense pain that I am feeling now. As long as the pain goes away and my body functions normally, then it won't matter how bad things look on MRI, the doctor will call it a success!

Not much else going on in our world this weekend. I am attempting to finish most of my Christmas shopping as I am doing it online and having it shipped directly to my brother's house in Charlotte. That will be much easier than doing the shopping here and then packing everything up in boxes and sending it on my own.

I also had another update from a previous blog post. In relationship to a blog post from earlier this week in which I talked about compassion and cruelty, I solved my dilemma. The dilemma was a situation that I was dealing with in which there were very strict guidelines and the application of those very strict guidelines would force a very cruel outcome to the problem. Through a lot of discussion I managed to get the strict requirement that those guidelines be followed waived. I think this conclusion to the problem that I faced will bring some great happiness to the person involved. I hope it does anyway!

Well - I think I am going to call it an evening. I started writing this blog entry in the afternoon but then I got waylaid by things and I am only now finished at 8:30PM. We did a bunch of errands this morning and then worked around the house (as much as I could with my back all f'ed up) this afternoon. Then this evening Zack's cousin has been with us as Tim and Celinde were at a party. Zack and Cole have been having a great time spending the evening playing games and stuff. (I only had to get snappy once when they were rough-housing in the family room and making way too much noise.) Got to love when that works out well!

Have a great rest of your weekends!

Thanks and peace to all! ~J.

Wordless Wednesday - December 7th - Sacrifice

2011-12-07T20:41:00.000-07:00

USS Arizona in the aftermath of Japanese attack on Pearl Harbor - 12/7/1941

The silent grace and honor of the orderly rows of grace at Arlington National Cemetery. Though there is beauty in the orderly rows of tombstones, each grave marks the sacrifice and dedication of the soldier who is buried there.